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Monkey-Like Beast Causes Panic in Council Bluffs and it ain't even ME!
by effenheimer at 06:22 PM on September 07, 2003
I've been busy moving my office from one craphole to a newer, more corporate looking craphole. Just got everything up and running and thought I'd share this story with you. A reader dropped off an 80 year old front page from the Cincinatti Post that contained a story about my hometown.
I was all like, what the hell am I supposed to do with a piece of paper that's older than me? I didnt want to toss it, but I didn't want to be responsible for it either you know? Just thinking about it made the edges crumble and I dont like committment, especially when it involves custom framing for $80.
Luyckily for me, the library jumped at it and I get a donor cred. SWEET! I'm practically mayor of this town.
So here is the story. ENJOY!
Police Trap Is Baited For Ape-Man
Officers Disguised as Women Stroll Thru Streets
Victim Tells of Attack
Monkey-Like Beast Causes Panic in Council Bluffs
COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA, March 21 � The police of Council Bluffs laid aside their blue uniforms Tuesday night and donned skirts, bonnets, silk stockings and feminine undies.
With orders to shoot to kill if necessary, they sauntered singly thru the residential section of the city, clad in the habiliments of their wives, sisters and sweethearts, in an attempt to lure and capture the huge �ape-man� which has been terrorizing Council Bluffs women for more than a week.
While the �ape-man,� a huge, ungainly creature, believed to be but half human, with most of the characteristics of a gorilla, has inflicted no more harm than a terrific shock and a few bruises on the dozen or more women it has attacked. James C. Nicoli, police chief, believes fatalities have been averted only by pure luck.
In Exclusive District
The beast has operated only in the city�s most exclusive residential district, usually between 6 and 9 p.m.
Unless the ape-man is possessed of a sixth sense of sex, Nicoli believes, he will succumb sooner or later to the attractive bait of the masquerading cops.
Several of the women molested were returning from the Y.M.C.A. at the time. They were reluctant to tell of their experiences, but compared notes, and one of the victims gave a written description of the man to the police Tuesday.
She described him as �dark, heavy set and with a small, red face.� He has long hair which almost covers the face, she said, and bloodshot eyes. His arms are hairy and he is roughly dressed.
Moves Like Monkey
�His movements are monkey-like,� this women continued. �He slinks along in a stooped fashion, arms swinging loosely like those of a gorilla.
�His attacks are like those of a wild animal. He slips up from behind and clutches at his victim. He tears at her clothing.
�The girls who have been attacked were nervous wrecks afterward. I know of one girl whom he dragged between two buildings, where she had to put up a fight for her life.
�But he is a coward. When his victim screams he darts off with lightning rapidity and disappears behind buildings.�
comments (9)
I'm glad you didn't chuck the artifact, cuz now I've got a name for my imaginary band: Sixth Sense of Sex. Is there a sequel, I mean did they catch the hirsute man? Did it ever molest an officer?
by anna at September 8, 2003 6:51 AM
Marauding ape-men and police in drag. America was simpler then.
by Adam at September 8, 2003 8:13 AM
not to get all linz on you guys, but my guess is that things could have gone a little something like this:
http://www.theonion.com/onion2920w/bearrape.html
now, substitute the word bear with ape, ursine wtih simian, and zookeeper with townswoman.
by lajoie at September 8, 2003 9:43 AM
well if things went back then the way they go now, they arrested a black dude who was killed in prison, then they found out it was retarded white kid from a rich family and did nothing about it.
I am actually ina good position to find out what happened to the ape-man this weekend. there is a cop/historian doing a book signing and I plan to ask him about this and another case where a guy was described as a gorilla. I think they were just big on calling people monkeys back then because of the whole scopes monkey trial.
by eff at September 9, 2003 5:55 PM
speaking of strange creatures lurking, there's this guy, a man of the street i believe, who always walks around holding a towel over his mouth. i've also witnessed more than a few older ladies do this in chinatown. not so many recently. but THIS guy has really got my attention. he ambles about, close to where i work. just today we shared not one but TWO traffic corners upon which we stopped before crossing. here's what's really got me: i don't know whether the towel is keeping things out or in.
if he's worried about a possible corporal coup in which the local bacteria stage the opening beachhead in his mouth, fine. everyone has a right...but i just don't know whether or not he's holding something equally infectious in. that towel is like the closet door you don't want to open in a dark room. i feel like should he remove it, he'd just be SHOUTING blood. needless to say, that's no good.
i really can't even look at him when we're near each other, but i've got him locked in my periphery. he makes one move suspiciously towards me and i'm climbing up the streetlight, screaming like an old lady on dust.
by lajoie at September 9, 2003 6:54 PM
Lajo, that made me laugh aloud and I never do that. You should try your hand at posting.
by anna at September 9, 2003 7:24 PM
aww shit, i'd be honored to ever get to do that.
by lajoie at September 9, 2003 7:50 PM
I can't believe Robin Williams never got busted for terrorizing chicks in Council Bluffs, IA.
by douchenation at September 10, 2003 4:18 AM
That's rough, but Robin Williams truly is the missing link!
by jean at September 14, 2003 1:23 AM