I love fall. This is my favorite time of the year. I mean, spring, summer and winter all have their high points but, to me, fall is the best. It might stem from my birthplace and being so close to the parkway. I used to love to drive the parkway and enjoy the different colors of the turning leaves, to pull off an overlook and write music while taking inspiration from the beauty around me. Oranges, reds, yellows tinged with brown all were absolutely gorgeous to me. It could also be that I love Halloween and all of the fanfare and mischief accorded that holiday. I have also had some of the best and worst things, in my dating life, happen to me during fall. My ex and I used to have every monumental, at the time, breakup and reaffirmation of our relationship during this season. It used to make me melancholy when fall rolled around and reminded me of Stephanie but this year is different. I have none of the anxiety, due to her, that used to accompany my favorite month. I feel like everything within my universe is in tune and harmony. This could, partly or maybe fully, be attributed to Amy but I can’t shake the sense that I have turned a corner in my life. I am finally fully over Stephanie and it feels great. I know now, somewhat, of what a prisoner must feel when released from a time of incarceration. I used to, especially during this season, reflect on all of the mistakes I had made, with myself and Stephanie, and beat myself into a state of depression. I find myself doing none of this currently and I am happy in the knowledge that it’s not going to happen. Stephanie e-mailed me the other day to remind me of a bluegrass festival held in North Carolina. She said she just wanted me to know about it. I know that this is crap and she’s just grasping for anything she can get from me but she’ll never have that power again. The funny thing is that I didn’t feel angry, sad, or depressed. I felt nothing and it was good. I have found everything I have ever wanted in a woman and I will allow no one to threaten that. Not Stephanie, no one. It’s a damn liberating feeling and I am enjoying the hell out of myself for the first time in a long time. I didn’t realize how much I have lived behind a façade for the last few years. I thought I required Stephanie, for my happiness, but you know what I have found? I have found what true love is all about. It has taken a damn long time to come to fruition but I believe I had to go through the hardships and learning in order to treat the one woman meant for me as she should be. I have no desire or need to cheat, lie, or do any other shady things some relationships breed to be with Amy. I can be myself and that is just fine with her. I can honestly say that I have never been in this position before and can’t remember, for the life of me, why I was so afraid of getting here. I guess it’s just a point of two people who found each other at the exact right moment in their lives. I’m excited about and planning for the future for the first time I can remember. I can’t wait to see what the rest of my falls to follow bring, now that I have found peace.
Oh, here’s a poem I wrote about autumn. I’m a sappy bastard sometimes so have a laugh or enjoy it. I’ll be happy either way.
I sit motionless watching the autumn leaves drift to the ground
What a wonderous time fall is to behold
While others wish for warmer weather to be found
I'm content to drink in every sight, smell, and sound
A calico carpet spreads across the forest floor
Squirrels gather nuts for their winter store
The sky is filled with formations of fowl
Flying south knowing fairer weather will be found
Summer's memories are fading fast
Cataloged in the archives of your past
The stillness of winter will soon be felt
But rest assured the snow will melt
Spring will come boundless and full of life
Erasing thoughts of winter's strife
Summer will bake the earth and drive us in
Then as if painted from an artists easel.....
Autumn comes again
"fall rolled around" shot me with the image of a fat balding man, rolling around in a pile of wet leaves...in pure ecstasy. and i know i'm not the only one.
by lajoie at September 24, 2003 11:09 AM
*sniff* i think it's just sweet.
and it's an amazing thing, the moving on with life. it really does take years, if there's enough of an emotional mess going on.
and from my perspective it's damn good to see somebody got out. gives hope to the rest of the inmates, those that are still locked up full time and those of us that get out on furlough here and there, that there is a life on the other side.
by lizard at September 24, 2003 3:34 PM
That fat balding man will probably be me in about ten years Lajoie. If things go in the direction they seem to be then ecstacy will be correct.
Liz, there is, definitely, life on the other side. I think that we sometimes hang on to things long past the point they should have been dealt with and discarded. Over sixteen years I gave Steph a ring twice and went back to her a total of five times. I wonder what it was about the first three that didn't clue me in that it was never going to work? I think most of us want to believe in the romance of the fairytale relationship that makes it despite all odds. I know I believed it enough to throw logic out the window and return to someone I knew I couldn't be myself with and keep five seperate times. I thought, wrongly, that love would conquer all. Love can solve many things but without mutual respect and understanding it isn't enough and you're setting yourself up for disaster. I do know that it's good to be happy and excited about what is to come again.
by Ezy at September 24, 2003 4:06 PM
Fall's cool but I always associate it with Rod Stewart's melancholy classic Maggie Mae. That and getting stung by crazed yellow jackets.
by anna at September 24, 2003 5:24 PM
haha! the crisp weather beats all, but fall of my youth was always about packing away outdoor items into the wood shed, and getting bitten or strafed by any number of viperous insects and nut-packing 'rodentia'.
by lajoie at September 24, 2003 7:39 PM
Perhaps alone among the crowd here, I've met Amy. Wow! Ezy it's time to delete all your Stephanie files from your memory banks. Fuck her.
by anna at September 24, 2003 8:23 PM
yes, i agree. there's only room for one girl in a mind full of thoughts.
and that includes when you stand in front of the mirror, with your hog tucked between your legs, mincing about and squealing "oh, i'm a little guurl! look how pretty!"
by lajoie at September 24, 2003 10:13 PM
Anna, those banks have been erased and I can't tell you how good it feels. I wish her no ill will and hope she finds whatever it is she is looking for. It wasn't me and I am so cool with that. Wow is right. I can't believe that I finally took a chance and it worked out like it should. Somehow I knew Amy and I would be good together but I just don't think I believed it would be this good. It's strange. It feels like we've been together forever and it has only been six months. We don't fight, we don't keep anything bottled inside, and we don't leave things unsaid. It's like nothing I have ever experienced. To think back at what I thought a relationship should be makes me shudder now.
Lajoie, how did you know I liked to stand in front of a mirror with my johnson tucked. Have you been peeping in my window you perv?
by Ezy at September 25, 2003 9:02 AM
I recognize that poem. = )
Can we NOT talk about the tip-tucking? I do not like to be reminded of that freaky scene in Silence of the Lambs.
by Linz at September 25, 2003 12:05 PM
Tip-tucking!? That's funny Linz. I did send that poem to you along with a haiku didn't I. That was when I was trying to send our demo song. Man, my short term memory blows. Must be the late 80s, early 90s coming back to haunt me.
by Ezy at September 25, 2003 12:44 PM
TIP tucking, ha! it's usually the whole tube. ask ezy.
by lajoie at September 25, 2003 1:03 PM
Yep. Lajoie would be correct. The whole tube and nothing but the tube.
by Ezy at September 25, 2003 3:14 PM
Y'all have lost me again. Is this tip-tucking some inside joke or just another freaky sexual practice?
by anna at September 25, 2003 5:24 PM
I thought "tip" was slang for the whole pee-pee.
by Linz at September 26, 2003 7:36 AM
Nah, I think tip means the ummmm tip ya know. I'd say the penis is made up of two major parts, the tip (head) and the shaft. The nuts will probably be upset at being left out but they are just sidekicks to the man.
Tip-tucking is the art of tucking your nuts and member between your legs and squeezing your thighs together so it looks like you don't have any protruding genitalia.
by Ezy at September 26, 2003 8:11 AM
ezy, somehow the word sideKICK and nuts are an uncomfotable pair. woops, another metaphor.
all these years and you've just been asking for the tip, linz?
by lajoie at September 26, 2003 11:31 AM
by Linz at September 26, 2003 12:03 PM
Somehow I doubt I made you blush Linz ;-)
Yea Lajoie, after going back and looking at it that is an uncomfortable pairing of words. Maybe little friends would be better?
by Ezy at September 26, 2003 12:46 PM
*laughing at the word little*
you done messed up again!
by lajoie at September 26, 2003 2:08 PM
Dooh!!!!! I think I'll just shut up now.
by Ezy at September 26, 2003 3:09 PM
and to think we started off talking about love and autumn.
fortunately those two words are not an uncomfortable pair.
i do miss those east coast autumns. out here, they're just too green, not to mention unseasonably warm.
by lajoie at September 26, 2003 3:48 PM
Autumn in Central Park, along the 'mall', there is but one word to describe it: Crisp.
I begin to rule in Autumn.
by Lockheed at September 26, 2003 4:11 PM
Yea, it's amazing how a conversation can take a downhill turn quickly around here. Oh well, I think it's more fun that way.
Lock my man. Good to hear from you bro. I wondered when your rule began anew. Now I know. I have to go home and change my alter over to a bronze Lockheed. I'll burn incense and sacrifice virgins to you every other Friday. Promise.
by Ezy at September 29, 2003 3:46 PM