i'm sorry if i seem to be monopolizing the place

by lizard at 04:32 AM on September 19, 2003

but i shouldn't really talk about this over at my little place.

once upon another lifetime, i found myself in vons at two in the afternoon in ratty old sweats, buying booze and catfood. i reassured myself it wasn't at all what it looked like, but that was just ridiculous, it was everything it appeared to be, and then some. ahh, the fat drunk years.

i remembered catfood boozelady yesterday afternoon, as i laid my purchases down on the conveyor belt and thought, this is such a different life: the fun joe boxer undies, the stockings, the batteries ... oh! no it's not what you think. i don't even have one of those. no, the batteries are for the camera. i seriously love my digicam. it's an older olympus, but it was top of the line in its time, outstanding image quality. i mean, look! see? pretty impressive, yes? it's helping me overcome all sorts of fears. i mean, i will climb right up on the furniture and stick my camera right in a bug's face, in spite of being severely phobic on both counts. i still feel the fear, it just isn't what sets my limits anymore. and oh, i have been exploring all kinds of limitlessness lately.

i can't tell you how much i hope i uploaded the right pictures there. one of the perils of leading a strange secret sexlife which takes place almost entirely via email and lately, some really creative photobloggery. the distances and other issues separating the participants will most likely never be resolved; for a while i was seriously distressed by this, which led me to conclude i should just let go. i got as far as giving up trying to make things conform to my idea of how they should be, and experienced a rather startling revelation: this is the best sex i've ever had. taking the frustrated whining out of our interactions left two like minds sharing this wild open way out beyond the boundaries intimate intense ... thing. now, i have always known that physical pleasure is mostly in the mind, but i never imagined ... this. i never imagined that, properly inspired, the mind will lead the body into this psychedelic hyperconsciousness, i mean the earth moves and fireworks and waves crashing over the beach and everything. everything. i suppose it helps he has this way with words. they find this resonance in me, and set off the same sensations as swinging the swing up so high you find weightlessness at the top. gravity. his words feel like gravity.

being a practical girl, i have decided that this is a Good Thing and worth not screwing up trying to make it into some different thing. this life i'm living is different from anything i ever expected, but i am adjusting. because nothing has ever felt quite like this does. to quote myself, directly after the fact: "...right out loud and bursts of color convulsing pulsing energy it was fission it was fusion it was blinding it was birth and death and the aftermath, it is an hour later now and still i am less a physical thing with mass and density than i am say the gilttering notes of a soft guitar spilling into the night sky."

i can live with that.

Life begins when you accept your fate
Right or wrong,
the main criterion is what you do and not what you say
The roads you take, the friends you make and those you throw away
The method is a simple synthesis of the past and present state
You never lose if the path you choose is one you can easily navigate
I had a dream, light and carefree
But now there's doubt and gravity
But I won't run in place in the human rat race
I can set the pace and accept my fate
~Greg Graffin