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I can't erase that rock 'n roll feeling from my mind
by anna at 08:09 AM on September 05, 2003
You know those things you've heard somewhere but would rather not dwell upon? Those things you must drive from your mind in order to stave off your inevitable descent into madness and despair?
1) Meat residue can remain in your colon for weeks or even months.
2) Most kitchen sponges are teeming with deadly germs.
3) Stomach acid can eat gaping holes in your esophagus.
4) Global warming will cause massive flooding in coastal regions.
5) At the same time, global cooling will plunge us into a protracted new Ice Age.
6) Moustaches smack of insincerity. I have one. When I shaved it off my wife protested that I looked ridiculous.
7) This new millennium didn't really begin on 1/1/00 when everyone pretended to celebrate it. It really commenced 1/1/01 or some other time.
8) Pi goes on forever.
9) Like Pi, the universe too is infinite.
10) Half the world's population has yet to place a phone call.
11) People drill holes in their heads to let pesky demons dissipate.
12) Lots of middle school girls give head but still maintain that they're technically still virgins. They are pure as the driven slush, so to speak.
13) Similarly, bacteria are mutating so rapidly that they'll soon be immune to all antibiotics.
14) As still more living proof of ongoing evolution, more and more babies are born sans appendix, tonsils, little toes, wisdom teeth or brains.
15) Not all homeless people are poor, insane or both. Some live al fresco by choice.
16) Everybody is bisexual.
17) Shark attacks are not all uncommon. Neither is human spontaneous combustion.
18) Police sirens make them go deaf, which is why your lame excuses for speeding fall on deaf ears.
19) Physiologically speaking, a sneeze is no different a sensation than an orgasm. Bah!
20) All our attractions, dislikes and attitudes are determined by complex neurophysiology in our brains. Thus our fate is preordained before birth.
21) The plural of cactus is cacti. The plural of octopus is octopi. Thus the stuff piled up in dumpsters outside abortion clinics would be termed "feti."
22) If you could fly fast enough, time would stand still.
23) Until it starts eating solid food, a baby's shit don't stink. Hence, if you subsisted solely on breast milk, yours wouldn't either. Hmmm.
24) But someone could run off with your very identity at any given moment.
25) And HIV arose from men cavorting with green monkeys in east Africa. My son wants to know whether the ones who banged male monkeys are gay. See # 16.
26) Oh, and we're all going to die alone.
comments (36)
i was told once, by a preachy vegetarian, that the average red-meat eating person dies with roughly 14 lb. of undigested meat in their intestines. sounds like a lot to me, but if it's true, that solves problem #26.
by lajoie at September 5, 2003 11:15 AM
Stupid preachy vegens, D'oh! One of them once told me that eating all that asparagus made her pee bad. I told her to quit eating it. Next patient please. LaJo, are you the only one out there?
by anna at September 5, 2003 12:21 PM
Stupid preachy vegens, D'oh! One of them once told me that eating all that asparagus made her pee bad. I told her to quit eating it. Next patient please. LaJo, are you the only one out there?
by anna at September 5, 2003 12:22 PM
i feel like everyone else took the blue pill. anna, we took the red. wait, fuck....which one makes you small? i can't remember my grace slick lyrics.
i can see you're making up for the recent dearth in sammers with all the 'double posting'.....which may or may not be a pornographic euphemism.
by lajoie at September 5, 2003 12:30 PM
also, two apsparagus/urine comments in one week.
by lajoie at September 5, 2003 12:31 PM
ASparagus. ahh the triple post.
by lajoie at September 5, 2003 12:33 PM
I'm lurking around here somewhere. I've been finding other things to do besides tool around on the internet. I haven't even updated my site for almost a month.
by MrBlank at September 5, 2003 1:57 PM
Good for you Mr. Blank. This isn't healthy. No, Lajo, I would never do that. It's my damn mouse that sticks sometimes. And I meant to say "pee smell bad" not "pee bad." What other asparagus/urine remark did I make?
I just killed something on purpose. It was a big snake and I intentionally ran it over with my mower. I feel kinda bad about cuz it was just minding its own business in the foot-tall jungle of my yard.
Lots of folks are lurking about, seventeen presently. Who are you? What say ye?
by anna at September 5, 2003 2:49 PM
Pi is infinite? I thought it was just slightly more than 3.
by Eviltom at September 5, 2003 8:23 PM
My son claims that if you don't round the damn thing off, it's decimal places go on forever. And he should know, cuz sometimes he will go on forever about such matters.
by anna at September 6, 2003 8:27 AM
Your son's right, Anna, but there are tons of numbers like that. For example, any number not evenly divisible by 3. 1/3 = .33333.... forever.
I used to love math because of such hard-and-fast oddities like these. The infinite number of tangents that can be formed off a circle. A circle's absolute two-dimensionality. A point's absolute one-dimensionality. It's not tall, it's not wide, it's not deep. It's just a point. Crazy stuff!
by jean at September 6, 2003 3:27 PM
Young Ian is right about that particular property of Pi. But that doesn't make it "infinite." It's "irrational." I love that term. Like women. Irrational. Wooooo!
by Eviltom at September 6, 2003 6:44 PM
Crapola. Scratch the last thing I said. I am drunk.
by Eviltom at September 6, 2003 6:45 PM
Yeah, as opposed to "rational numbers". I used to kind of dig math too, because there's a final answer. Problem was, while taking algebra and geometry, I was so stoned I just couldn't comprehend any of it. Now it's hopeless. Ian knows not to even ask me to help with his math homework anymore. But I do "edit" his term papers. Perfect grammar and syntax!
by anna at September 6, 2003 7:09 PM
That's wild. So would you smoke out before school, or in between periods? That must have led to some interesting situations, or maybe not... that was probably before "narcs" became popular. Those rent-a-cops were a constant presence when I was in high school.
I wonder what the reasoning is behind saying that sneezes are like orgasms? It seems like a stretch, although I've heard it elsewhere, before.
by jean at September 7, 2003 3:46 AM
We had these weird smokeless hash pipes and lighters. This combo enable to smoke IN CLASS. Those were different times.
I think both sneezes and orgasms are momentary suspensions of all other feelings, total focus on the matter at hand.
I've just discovered something else that should be on this "mildly disturbing" list: One of the greatest philosophers of all time, Jean-Paul Sartre, doesn't get a grave to himself. He shares it with somebody else. Guess French real estate is valuable.
by anna at September 7, 2003 10:24 AM
Sarte doesn't have a grave to himself? That sucks. Spontaneous combustion is a total myth. Voluntary homelesness? you've gotta be joking. And we're not going to die alone for the Lord God is always with us. What's that? He doesn't exist? Oh. Nevermind, then.
by EpisodeII at September 8, 2003 6:49 PM
Please tell me more about these smokeless pipes.
by Episode II at September 8, 2003 6:51 PM
Please tell me more about these smokeless pipes.
by Episode II at September 8, 2003 6:51 PM
Please tell me more about these smokeless pipes.
by Episode II at September 8, 2003 6:51 PM
No, someone who died six years later is interred with him. The pipes were just metal tubes with a tiny hole in the front. You'd ignite the material within through that hole, using a lighter. And people can combust, I heard it in This Is Spinal Tap. One of their drummers did.
by anna at September 9, 2003 6:48 AM
Pardon the redundancy. Thanks for the info.
It's ironic that the guy who told us were all alone in the world had to double up in the crypt.
Spinal Tap was awesome, though I don't think that's where you should be getting your facts from.
by Episode II at September 9, 2003 7:27 AM
Pardon the redundancy. Thanks for the info.
It's ironic that the guy who told us were all alone in the world had to double up in the crypt.
Spinal Tap was awesome, though I don't think that's where you should be getting your facts from.
by Episode II at September 9, 2003 7:27 AM
Pardon the redundancy. Thanks for the info.
It's ironic that the guy who told us were all alone in the world had to double up in the crypt.
Spinal Tap was awesome, though I don't think that's where you should be getting your facts from.
by Episode II at September 9, 2003 7:27 AM
Dammit! That wasn't on purpose. Maybe my clicking finger's got Parkinson's disease or something.
by EpisodeII at September 9, 2003 7:28 AM
i beg to differ, episode ll, with regards to fact. when nigel tufnel says 'you can't, like, dust for vomit", i have to believe him.
by lajoie at September 9, 2003 9:53 AM
Anna, we used to use one hitters then blow the smoke through and ingenious invention called "The Thing." Poetic name, effective product. We'd take the bathroom tissue roll, stuff it full of the most scented bathroom tissue possible, tape one end except for a 1/4" or so wide slit then blow through it. The damn thing actually worked. Blow smoke in one end and get flowery goodness out the other. Sweet!
by Ezy at September 9, 2003 11:00 AM
yes the thing. scented dryer sheets have also been used. and......abused.
good to hear from you again ezy. you've been ill communicado since, i think, about the time you went to go see the indigo girls in concert. i figured you had become a man-hater.
by lajoie at September 9, 2003 11:39 AM
Not me Lajoie. I saw plenty of women with facial hair though. They scared me. Moving, work, and a few other things have kept me too busy to do much lately. My home PC also died so I have to do my Bad Samming at work until I get a new one. I'm back until work kicks my ass again though.
by Ezy at September 9, 2003 12:52 PM
The Thing! The Thing! That's what that thing is called! I was getting high with this lesbian couple that lives down the street from me. One of them was trying to explain the function of this contraption her younger brother had made, but I was way too stoned to grasp the concept. So I just nodded and pretended to understand. Thanks, Ezy. It makes so much sense now.
by Epiode II at September 9, 2003 6:24 PM
I think we've got a new friend in EpisodeII. But you should fill in the email address so you get the cool underline thing going on.
I'll condense a post to a comment now that this has come up. In Biology class they wanted us to sketch rodent skulls that were set on the table we were underneath with said smokeless pipes. We all started to draw our skull when my friend Billy smashed it to bits with his fist. Blood was spurting copiously from his hand. The teacher asked him what had happened and he said, "I dunno sir, I was just looking at it and it...broke."
This one goes to eleven.
by anna at September 9, 2003 7:32 PM
#1 can occur with a steady diet of the aforementioned meat; it is not a given (I'm not a red-meat eater)
#2 Well...of course. This can be averted by putting said sponge in the microwave for 1.5 minutes (or through the dishwasher)
#3 Can occur after years of neglecting acid reflux disease, or if you're a raging alcoholic (watch out me)
#'s 4 and 5 patently make no sense
#6 I have nothing against the moustache; to me it signifies a State Police officer
#10 is awesome if it's true
#14 One of my friends had / has no signs wisdom teeth
#15 Reeks; one can throw a wrench in virtually every equation. The homeless are primarily fucked, and to pretend otherwise is idealistic
#16 is bogus...sorry
#19 I believe that: [the situation (along with bloodflow to certain regions of the body) is the sole determining factor]
#22 One cannot exceed the speed of light (C), for as one approaches the speed of light(C), that person's mass approaches infinity. In fact, if one goes beyond the "event horizon" in a black hole, they will look back and admire an image frozen in time for eternity. Hopefully, that image will be me flipping that person off.
#23 I have been telling my mother that for the past 25 years
#25 What does bi-sexuality have to do with bestiality? (Unless you want to get technical)
by douchenation at September 10, 2003 4:54 AM
#6 You should shave it, you look like a dork
#9
#14 you are proof of evolution, since you look funny
#16 false
#17 Shark attacks on humans statistically improbable
#20 sounds like determinism
#25
"HIV in all likelihood arose by adaptation of a closely related virus in a simian (ape) species."
Fore more evolution in relation to aids, go to the following site:
http://volokh.blogspot.com/2003_01_26_volokh_archive.html#90257145
by AL PAC at September 10, 2003 6:52 AM
I just slipped #16 in there to see what people might say about it. But there is a theory that everyone has at some point had homosexual impulses, though they may not have acted upon them. Personally I believe most raging homophobes are gay.
by anna at September 10, 2003 7:03 AM
only about half the people on my mother's side ever get wisdom teeth. she missed having them. i got'em, but i think my sister might not. luck of the draw, but i must say...getting them out didn't hurt at all. just a little sore. but when i saw the roots on those sonsabitches, i started thinking about oak trees and got a little woozy.
by lajoie at September 10, 2003 12:00 PM
No problem Episode. That invention, as simple as it is, revolutionized smoking weed. No longer did we have to hide out behind buildings or down dark alleys. We were free to toke in classes, in our rooms at home and all other types of public places. The Thing, I salute you.
by Ezy at September 11, 2003 8:26 AM