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have i mentioned i'm finally getting single?
by lizard at 05:23 AM on September 18, 2003
twelve years, it's been. i think there may have been one good one in there somewhere, the rest was just dangerous stupidity and its painful consequences, rather like living a neverending jackass stunt.
there are so many regrets, but this one stands out. it was a small decision, unremarkable, really, except the part where it might have prevented twelve years of hell. it's a sad story.
a long, long time ago, in a twelve step program far, far away, there was this guy. sort of guy i considered (in those abysmal self-esteem days) 'out of my league'. name was brian. black hair, ice blue eyes, funny as hell, nose ring, tongue ring (they were not so common back then, especially among gorgeous guys with good jobs). i was seeing chris at the time, but he had just taken over the insomniac/mayfair theatre/punk venue/coffeehouse, so he wanted to date eighteen year olds and skinny blondes with hot tubs; we were in that "let's see other people" stage. and then i hear through mutual friends that brian 'liked me'. (you can take the thirty year olds out of high school, but you can't take the high school out of some thirty year olds, apparently). and it came to pass that brian asked me out, a fact which i mentioned to chris, in between hot tubs and teenagers. and quite honestly i didn't do it to get him to change his mind, i reallyreally wanted to go out with brian. oh you have no idea.
the night of the date, say an hour before, chris calls. ok, ok, he says, we'll do it your way. but you've already made the date, go ahead, it's ok. so i think and i think and i think, and i say to my self, in a stern sort of voice, "self, you said you wanted this, and now you have it, you've gotten what you wanted, you should do the right thing." dutifully but extremely regretfully, i cancelled. and thus the best years of my life were tossed casually into the toilet. at best, chris was a controlling bastard, and i felt fortunate he tolerated me, what with all my defects (which he graciously helped me discover). at worst, the abuse ... you don't want to know. of course, it is also possible that brian wasn't what he seemed, that a different choice wouldn't have made a difference, but all evidence tends to suggest otherwise; basically i just screwed up.
and as if that's not bad enough, a couple years after that, in the midst of the very very worst of the hell, i heard through more mutual friends that brian had had his dick pierced. a prince albert. i mean, i mean ...
*sob*
comments (12)
Ah the one that got away. O well, at least you got out while you're young (to paraphrase Bruce Springsteen.)
by anna at September 18, 2003 6:35 AM
now this is not worksafe. http://www.pierceit.co.uk/pictures/your-pictures/yp-gal-pa-leo.php3
that is just so ... amazing. i ... can't even describe how the thought of ... no, it renders me speechless.
i would so appreciate the universe giving me one more shot at having one of those to ... appreciate.
by lizard at September 18, 2003 6:45 AM
Arrrrgh! My eyes! My innocent eyes. That shit looks like it would be pretty damn painful. They'd have to give me a fucking epidural.
I had a mistake like that. It cost me sixteen years of my life off and on and caused me to make some terribly bad decisions which hurt others. I thought my ex and I were soul mates and it turns out I was very wrong about that. You have to take chances in life though. I think I would've regretted it more if I hadn't tried but it's a bitter pill to swallow. I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through all of that. It taught me some humility which I needed. I just decided to take the positive aspects from the experience and throw the rest away. There's nothing I can do now about a past decision anyway so fuck it.
by Ezy at September 18, 2003 9:19 AM
And look where you are today, Ezy! Older, wiser, and so much happier. And actually in love.
Liz, it is so much better late than never. You realized what was going on, you had an epiphone, you are fixing it, you are ROCKING. Now is the time when you will be ready for Brian or someone like Brian. There are many others with the lovely ice-blue eyes.
by Linz at September 18, 2003 9:25 AM
something, ok liz, tells me that eyes weren't the point. the man and his special 'pig-on-a-spit' cock were. everyone has a colossal "pass-up" or two from their youths. and life could be totally different. but if you chose to go that way, at the time, there would only have been different things you passed up on the way to here. i'm with ezy in that it's just not productive to wonder.
and off the subject...ezy, do amy a favor and get her a shirt made for christmas that says "i'm with ezy", with that delinquent arrow pointing to whatever side you normally occupy. you could get one too.
by lajoie at September 18, 2003 10:37 AM
And, you did what you thought was the right thing. That definitely counts for something.
Congrats on getting out of the abusive relationship. That's a true accomplishment. I know so many people who can't climb out of their learned helplessness and wrecked self-esteem and just keep taking it, year after year.
by jean at September 18, 2003 1:48 PM
Me too Jean. I second that!
by Linz at September 18, 2003 1:57 PM
A good while back I was perusing a blog and I ran across a story about someone who sustained a nasty gash on the foot and their spouse was real unsympathetic and only wanted them to go to the store for beer or something. Was that you?
by anna at September 18, 2003 2:44 PM
Oh and say, do you think cosmetics queen Elizabeth Arden's underlings ever call her Liz-Ard behind her back? And speaking of funny names, why didn't someone speak up before they named that car the Hummer. What's next, the Cleveland Steamer?
by anna at September 18, 2003 2:59 PM
well, i can imagine that the "dirty sanchez" is sort of like a filthy dune buggy. or a hoopty.
by lajoie at September 18, 2003 3:12 PM
wow, Anna, there's someone else out there with a jerk just like mine! no, that specific thing never happened, but the vibe is eerily familiar ... hmm, like once when i had been in the emergency room half the night with an asthma attack, i was laying on the couch and he dumped a load of laundry on me and bitched me out 'cause i never do anything around the house.
i have a lot more reasons than missing out on a fascinating body piercing, to regret. my daughter, who was 7 when i met chris, well she and i had been doing just fine but chris thought i wasn't parental enough and needed to be stricter and i really didn't stand up for myself, or leave, so my daughter had to grow up with this screaming asshole stepfather, and ... now there's a regret. sigh.
it's almost over though. been living on the couch for years, and next month, i'll be living in a different house! it will be wonderful.
by lizard at September 18, 2003 3:35 PM
12 years huh? cowabunga -- two years to go!
<cornball>truly, the best is yet to come.</cornball>
by r@d@r at September 18, 2003 5:55 PM