Eff, portrait of a public figger

by effenheimer at 05:49 PM on September 16, 2003

So this is interesting. I am now at the point in my career where I need a publicist apparently. A friend of mine knows a good one who is a fan of mine who seemed genuinely interested in "making me famous." That's cool, I don't have anything else to do and maybe if I'm lucky I can take a poke at J-Lo.

I supposed the reason this is interesting to me is that for most of my life, right up until the age of 29, I couldn't tell you the name of one person who could really give a shit about what I had to say. Suddenly, there I was just saying the kind of shit I am bound to say, only this time in a column in a student newspaper. People were staring at me, but now it wasn't just because I was a fat ass, they were wanting some of the glowing people perceive as coming off of public figures.

That takes some getting used to. If you're like me and I know I am, you immediately want to hide. I likes my privacy. I like a good conversation and that can never happen if starts of "hey aren't you blah blah blah?" unless the next lines is "wow, I'd really like to suck it." It never is though.

So here I am a scant five years into this writing gig trying to be smart about things you know. Trying to work all the angles to get me where I gotta go. Why? Cause I GOT-TA! Hiring a publicist? Geez, I hope this works. I got about 50 cents to my name after bills.

But GM is pretty sure she can turn me into a household name, loved and respected by hundreds, maybe a thousand people.

Maybe I'll write a book about my gastric bypass surgery. That would be funny as hell. Nobody describes the indignity of funny pooping like me. NOBODY!