Want Ads

by anna at 09:28 AM on August 03, 2003

Fanatical Muslim. Arab M seeks submissive Muslim F to join harem. Let’s talk jihad, baby.
I’m putty in your hands. Generic nobody, 21, seeks someone, anyone to mold her.
Sullen WF seeks BM with whom to sulk and exchange sob stories about our victimization at the hands of The Man.
Hand jobs! Adventurous BF gives them with gusto. I wear Playtex gloves to lessen the risk of infection. No preference of age, gender or sexual orientation; any guy will do. Fisting too.
Racist Southern Cracker seeks anorexic WF 12-14 to attend NASCAR events and have sex with me in the back of my pickup truck afterwards. Morning beer a must.
Dance for me! Self-indulgent WM seeks AF 80-90 lbs who’ll perform striptease dances and then walk on my back.
Rain Man. Count toothpicks with me.
Cat lover. GBM seeks special someone to help tend to 40-50 felines’ needs. Sex a remote possibility.
Doesn’t take up much space. WF, 25, who will fit in the trunk of your Cooper Mini with room to spare for your golf clubs and cooler.
Hung like a horse. WM will split you open like a coconut. You won’t walk for days.
Anal retentive. Let’s obsess over the most trivial of matters, like soap scum or the difficulty in separating coffee filters when hung over.
Droopy boobs. Decrepit eighty-something hag can slap you silly with my tits from four paces. Will crochet with that special someone. Seeks WM 10-20.
Virgin. AF, 40. Ravish me. Bust my cherry. Make me bleed.
Handyman. I am no hopeless romantic and I’ll never remember our anniversary but your faucets won’t leak, and I know my way around a caulking gun.
Chatterbox. WF who started talking at two months and hasn’t stopped since. I love political debates and to discuss existential philosophy at length. Seeks WM 40-50 who’ll try in vain to get a word in edgewise.
Reformed Wife-Beater. WM, 40 who will never hit another woman again unless the bitch refuses to fetch me a beer. Understanding of wifely duties a must.
Out on parole. And I’m never going back. Lifelong criminal has seen the error of his ways and seeks accomplice, er, partner of like mind.
Me, me, me. BM interested solely in himself. What’d you say your name was?
Cavernous Pussy. Full figured BF, 36, seeks WM with what it takes to fill me up. Child, you could park your RV in here. *Fists myself*
Love the outdoors! I have to because I live there. Homeless AM seek AF to join me in cadging cigarettes from passersby.
Sex change. Let’s swap genders every so often to keep life interesting.
Strident anti-globalization protester. Spindly GWM, 21, seeks like-minded WM to travel the country attending rallies, hoisting puppets aloft and shaking fists. Knowledge of the World Bank’s inner workings a must.
Commitment-phobe. BM, 25, seeks bitches to fuck and discard. Lots of them.
Nondescript AF who is like, just another face in the crowd. Maybe we could hang out at the mall or something. I dunno.
Al Gore won the 2000 election. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Join me for romantic evenings spent counting ballots and growing all bitter.
Flosses daily. I may not be much to look at but I’ve got class-A dental hygiene. No fillings. Healthy gums.
I’m in hell. BF has lost job, home and family. Ex-husband is homicidal and jealous as hell. Seeks BF who will be sympathetic to my plight and support me.
Hormones raging out of control! WM, 16, seeks anyone with a vagina who’s willing to have sex with me 12 times a day.
I’ll gnaw your balls off. AF, 31, with razor-sharp teeth seeks virile AM who enjoys the unique pleasure of castration without benefit of anesthetic. Lorena Bobbit has nothing on me.
Aging former porn star. 40 year old WF who has had unprotected sex with Ron Jeremy, Johnny “Wad” Holmes and all your HIV-positive favorites. Give me a facial, hell, everyone else has.

Okay. You laughed, you cried, you read the whole revolting post and now you feel terribly ashamed of yourself. If that is the case, here is your assignment: Pick one of these desperate losers and tell us why it is you chose them above all others.