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Smells like mean spirit
by anna at 06:06 PM on August 13, 2003
I love to peruse movie ads. It amazes how even the ones for total stinkers always have favorable excerpts from reviews. Sometimes they have to scrounge around in small town papers or websites, but they'll find something to entice moviegoers. I'd imagine admen take things out of context for their own devious purposes. "Lots of unpredictable plot twists..." is distilled from "Lots of unpredictable plot twists are merely a feeble attempt to distract the viewer from its total lack of a story line."
Check out your local paper. Every single movies boasts a glowing blurb, with the exception of the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez clunker Gigli. Even though there must be 10,000 reviewers out there, not a one had anything good to say about this atrocity. This is unprecedented. While most reviewers skewered Glitter ("Osama is hiding in a place no one will ever find him, a theater showing Glitter) the studio was still able to scare up some vaguely noncommital comments.
If they can't, why then, they'll simply invent a reviewer as Sony Pictures did a while back. Was the Hartford Courant ever surprised to learn about its imaginary employee.
Here's a sample of what the real critics have been saying about Gigli: "This movie was so awful I had to cleanse my palate afterwards by watching Glitter." "This is the worst movie I've ever seen." "Ben and Jennifer finally get some privacy." (If anyone in the audience has seen it, please review below.)
And from the little I know about it, rightly so. The megastars B&J play hit persons who derive jollies from tormenting an autistic boy---nothing like some mean-spirited fun at the expense of disabled kids to tickle your funny bone, no? She plays a lesbian, thereby extinguishing any potential romantic sparks which might otherwise fly between the two real-life lovers. At one point her ex-flame storms in and proceeds to slash her wrists. This bit of tragicomedy has nothing to do with the plot and goes nowhere.
For once the public has heeded highbow critics' warnings. Gigli is still stinking up some 2,100 theaters, five times a day. Weekly box office has totaled about $600,000. There are more paying customers on the International Space Station.
Part of the problem might be the stars' real-life romance. Among the worst movies I've ever endured was Proof of Life with a depixified Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe. At the time it was shot Ryan was cramming her dainty fingers down Crowe's trousers every chance she got. They generated all the onscreen chemistry of the Three Stooges with Curly Joe instead of Curly. I can't remember a single thing about this incoherent mess other than thinking that death by anthrax poisoning would be better cuz it's quicker. Word of mouth might travel fast but it never seems to reach the House of Anna.
Also, Affleck and Lopez are two of a rare breed: luminaries famous by virtue of their celebrity alone. Name one other movie he's starred in, and no consulting websites. Her credits include Enough and Maid in Manhattan, both of which tanked. They will win Oscars right after Mariah Carey gets her plum recording contract back and lands another starring role i.e. never. Oh well, there's always the Razzies.
I can't help but wonder how something this horrendous could possibly pass muster. Hollywood producers are notoriously stingy. They don't part easily with the $30 million it takes to get these slackers off their asses to emote. Germ-phobic Howard Hughes would sooner visit a filthy brothel. So why didn't they realize that everyday people would be turned off by the grotesque antics as outlined above? Wouldn't they then seek to cut their losses like any other savvy businessmen? Or do they live in such insular dream worlds that they are blind to the mindset of ordinary folk?
So what are the worst movies of all time?
comments (24)
'cool as ice' - the vanilla ice story. it had so much potential. and that boy danced like his heart was on fire! that or like he had a gun to his head. one or the other.
by lajoie at August 13, 2003 6:54 PM
Now there's a story just aching to be told. Isn't he now someone else, maybe simply Ice like MC Hammer became Hammer?
by anna at August 14, 2003 6:35 AM
Maybe he's Vanilla now. Or Nilla, like the wafers. (Nilla the Killa, his new gangsta rap persona?)
Anyway, Battlefield Earth was pretty terrible. I have not actually seen it, but the commercials more than I needed to see. Much more. The world did not John Travolta in dreads.
There's http://us.imdb.com/bottom_100_films, which has a lot of things I've never heard of but which are weirdly fascinating, such as "Santa With Muscles", starring master thespian Hulk Hogan.
(Cool As Ice hits at #27; Gigli takes the pole position, #1.)
by Adam at August 14, 2003 8:15 AM
"The world did not John Travolta in dreads." Did not need, I meant. Nor want.
by Adam at August 14, 2003 8:15 AM
Waterworld nuff said. Planet of the Apes was pretty damn horrible too.
by Ezy at August 14, 2003 8:37 AM
Worst movie? Half Baked. I was so appalled at how dumb they made stoners look. I was stoned and I wasn't even laughing.
Actually though, the next time I saw it I liked it.
by Linz at August 14, 2003 9:01 AM
I'd have to say that any Steven Segal movie sucks it pretty hard, but the shittiest flick I've ever seen is Con Air. Battlefield Earth wasn't too bad, and neither was Waterworld. Sci-fi flicks never really get good reviews.
by MrBlank at August 14, 2003 10:19 AM
ahhh screw you. i had steve buscemi in me. and a buffed up nick cage. what's in you? rice crispies? a scone? some coffee? yeah, that'll be around for ever.
Con Air's least favorite movie ever? you.
by Con Air at August 14, 2003 10:44 AM
linz. don't know why, but i laughed out loud when i read your comment. oh wait, i know why...because it's exactly what a stoner would say!
i also hated that movie, but every time harlan williams is on screen, just looking at him makes me laugh. for those not into name dropping like me, he was they guy who went to jail in that movie, and drank the bottle of piss in dumb and dumber. he was also in a terrible movie about going to space with a monkey, and he STILL made me laugh. some guys just got it.
by lajoie at August 14, 2003 10:58 AM
I haven't seen Red Dragon, which completes the Silence of the Lambs trilogy. But my wife said this AM that she fell asleep during it FOR THE SECOND TIME. I figure it must suck, which is why I watched the smarmy Lou Gehrig Story instead. Now THAT'S bad. Real bad. And I hate Citizen Kane and It's a Wonderful Life too.
by anna at August 14, 2003 12:17 PM
could just be the pace (don't get me started on pacing... of any type). one of the movies i've enjoyed most in the last few years, 'waking life', always puts me down for a few, somewhere in the middle. could be an interesting movie, but a little hum-drum in parts. don't write it off like i wrote off rocky IV and lived to regret it.
by lajoie at August 14, 2003 3:14 PM
Not to correct you anna, but I believe red dragon is actually a re-make of manhunter which was the first in the trilogy.
by D-money at August 14, 2003 7:21 PM
I actually enjoyed a couple movies with Ben Affleck in them (the New Jersey trillogy)
Although Affleck did stink up his portions on the screen.
I still want back the time I spent watching Ishtar, even though it was a night when I couldn't sleep and came across it deep in the cable channels night programming.
by chuckwoolery at August 15, 2003 10:04 AM
What? You don't even own a TV let alone have cable, Chuck.
by anna at August 15, 2003 10:49 AM
True, True (interesting to see that you remember these little things)
Ishtar is more than a few years old, and at the time I had a roomate who had a TV. I also haven't had insomnia like that in about 5 years.
My memory of that particular night is one of the reasons why I never went the step to buying my own TV when I ceased having roomates. I think I may have been able to get to sleep if the box hadn't had me glued to it. With Ishtar showing for gods sake.
by chuckwoolery at August 15, 2003 2:54 PM
It is sick how many little details I am aware of. I'm the one who determined that "Chris" (not necessarily the Thoughtful Commentator) was also Rayanne who posts about her sex life and such here.
And Chuck I really do hope I am one of those authors your opinion of has changed. When I first started posting here I thought it was all about being provocative and getting a rise out of people. But while that can be fun, it isn't the main thing. Not for me,anyway.
by anna at August 15, 2003 6:11 PM
anna, not to be too handjobbish, but your posts were the reason i started reading this list in the first place. i've gotten to enjoy everyone's posts for their individual takes on posting, their styles, and their lives shared. but you were the gateway drug, my friend. provocative and personal, i've enjoyed them all. and also the mustache....i grew one about a year ago, mostly as spectacle because i so clearly belong without one. i was single and in a mood to offend and repell the opposite sex. one night, i trimmed it up before going out, pencil thin and short. vaudevillian i thought...i went to a friend's party later on that evening and the first response i received was 'hey, what's happening hitler'. needless to say, shaving ensued.
by lajoie at August 16, 2003 11:26 AM
Ah, back in my movie-reviewing days I regularly saw films that made me cry because I wanted the two hours of my life back. Even today, when my ex-colleagues from that company tell me they've seen something really bad, I ask them if it was enough to make them want the time back. That always gets a laugh.
I reviewed independent and foreign films, so the list isn't super-stellar, but it's definitely there. Neil LaBute's "Your Friends and Neighbors," Beat Takeshi's "Fireworks," some horrible soul-sucking film about Gypsies (made by a Gypsy), "Still Breathing" with Brendan Fraser, "Never Met Picasso" starring an Arquette sibling, "Just the Ticket" starring Andy Garcia and produced by Studio Canal, all distributed by major studios or their independent-film arms. "Fireworks" in particular was so bad that I decided even the snacks and soda that Warner Brothers served at their screenings hadn't made up for having to sit through it.
by jean at August 17, 2003 5:45 AM
It always amazes me what cool jobs you guys have held. Chuck is a DA, Jean reviewed movies for money etc. Jo, an old GF once persuaded me to wear mascara to a party. Just a touch to get that rock star thing going on. My friends immediately laughed and said, "Who are you supposed to be, Keith Richards?" They aren' real progressive.
by anna at August 17, 2003 7:34 AM
but...weren't you trying to be keith richards? or something less, like a major player in molly hatchet? i'm reminded of denis leary's rant about keith richards 'we can't do any drugs...keith already did them all. we have to wait until he's dead and smoke his ashes...' or thereabouts.
by lajoie at August 17, 2003 9:54 PM
Oh my God. If any of you are thinking about going to the movies anytime soon avoid Open Range like the bubonic plague. That has to be one of the most corny, boring films I have seen in a while. Amy and I walked out it was so bad. Well that was after I woke her up. I kept waiting for something, anything remotely resembling action to happen and was sorely disappointed. Kevin Costner just stunk up the screen. It was pitiful. It was almost as bad a Shadow of the Vampire which was a tale of the making of Murnau’s Nosferatu. That movie was absolutely painful to endure. A picture about an actor playing a vampire. The whole idea stunk if you ask me. It was nothing more than a feature length "The making of". Horrific.
by Ezy at August 18, 2003 9:33 AM
Anna, You are definitely one of the authors whose esteem has risen sharply.... Your style of posting has gotten much more relaxed and entertaining at the same time... All good.
Oh I'm a CP, not a DA (Crown Prosecutor) The justice system is a little different here in Canada, being a Constitutional Monarchy and all. Same idea as a DA though...
by chuckwoolery at August 18, 2003 2:21 PM
Anna, it was just something I had the luck to fall into, I think. If the job hadn't come through, I would've been writing for some tiny community newspaper. Hee.
by jean at August 19, 2003 3:02 AM
I think I've heard that Keith Richards quote somewhere but I can't quite place it. It reminds me of George Thurogood's stock retort when people asked why he didn't write songs: Chuck Berry already wrote them all.
by anna at August 19, 2003 6:47 AM