« Queer Ear for the Straight Guy | Main | It's better to burn out than to fade away! »
I’m a loser baby. So why don’t you kill me? What a difference a day makes.
by ezy at 11:46 AM on August 16, 2003
This is a post I wrote just a few short months ago and was too chickenshit to share. It’s hard at times to face yourself and harder to put yourself out there for inspection. My life has changed drastically since that point. A large part of this is due to Amy. I actually give a fuck now. I’m getting my finances together and I haven’t danced with the white lady for a while. I know I’m never going to be the don’t drink don’t smoke type but I feel in control of myself for the first time in years. I owe it, largely, to the love of a wonderful woman. She makes me better. She makes me look to the future. She’s my love. This post was written about Steph when I thought she was going to move up here to start a life with me. Stranger than fiction huh?
I’m a loser. No, really. I am. Not in the competition between two individuals department, I’m pretty good at winning those, but more in the crack head, can’t control yourself section. Why? Ok, I’ll tell. I’m thirty two years old, not married, no house, and living paycheck to paycheck. I have debts I started neglecting years ago that, seemingly, have turned in to a Hydra with more heads than I can battle. My love life is in shambles. The one girl I love more than life itself, we have a sixteen year history, is on meds and in counseling due to my stupidity. I didn't protect our relationship when I was younger. I was a dog. Plain and simple. I chose not to exert control over my hormones and cheated on her every chance I got. I, also, never took the time to really listen to her and take interest. I’m not proud of this at all. It’s part of what makes me a loser. When she decided she wanted me back two years ago I was determined not to be the old me. I was monogamous, did the little things (flowers and such), paid attention to everything she said, and tried with all of my being to make her feel like the most special woman in the world. I also came clean. I told her everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I just wanted to be honest. I didn’t want even the remote chance of her hearing of something I’d done from someone’s mouth other than mine. Apparently I fucked up. She had no idea of how much bad shit I had done. Instead of causing her to respect my honesty it did the polar opposite. It pushed her away. It also drove her to seek counseling and medication. She now takes Zoloft. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world that I’ve put her in that position. Don’t get me wrong. She did some things to me that would cause most people to hate others. In my mind, though, they were precipitated by my actions. I also drink too much. I don’t know if it’s the Irish in me or my need to escape reality every chance I get. I also engage in other forms of extracurricular activities when the opportunities arise. I work in a respectable field, in an engineering capacity, so I’m around “normal” people all day. I look at these people and say to myself “Why not me?” They all have the 2.5 kids, own their own homes, and don’t party quite like I do. Their parties are conducted in back yards with children laughing and running around unlike mine which consist of shady apartments and nervous people. I feel like a freak. I know it’s something that only I can change but I’ve gotten in to such a routine it’s hard to break. I would have to distance myself from people I care about because they do things I won’t be able to. Get this. Now my ex is quitting her job in NC and moving to the D.C. area. That’s where I am. She called over Christmas and I went to see her. We talked and it felt like we hadn’t lost a day. We kissed but I didn’t sleep with her. That seems to complicate everything with me. You’re probably saying “Well what’s the problem?” The problem is my fear of being devastated again. I don’t know her intentions, only that she says she loves me. There’s the partying aspect also. She’s not in to that scene. I’m going to have to distance myself and quit everything. This is for the best. I am the king of good intentions though. I was going to stay in last weekend but one phone call from a shady friend and I was out the door and didn’t sleep for a while. I’m, always, a sucker for a good time. Maybe it’s because I have a low opinion of myself and just don’t care or maybe I’m just fucking certifiable. I don’t know. I, also, don’t understand why I’m willing to do this for her but can’t seem to do it for myself. I know I can. I did it last time we were together. I guess the facts of no house and no money in the bank makes me feel inadequate. She has her shit together and I don’t. God I have a lot of work to do before she gets here.
comments (24)
Ezy, this is uncanny. I have a post in the can entitled I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me. My wife saved my life in an eerily similar way. And we both ventured into the weekend posting graveyard. We're tracking, dude. Let's hang out.
by anna at August 16, 2003 12:36 PM
Your periods have sync'd up?
by Eviltom at August 16, 2003 3:56 PM
Very powerful, Ezy. Kudos for having the courage to write it, much less post it.
How much of this do you still feel now? It seems you might benefit from counseling or introspection. And I hope you're not still feeling responsible for setting off Steph's turmoil. It wasn't intentional. Shit happens... and sometimes we are called upon to be the shit that happens to other people, and we don't realize what we're doing. What's important is to grow as a person whenever possible.
Besides, everyone's on Zoloft. It's like candy these days. And many people get off it after a while because they don't need it anymore.
by jean at August 17, 2003 4:38 AM
I've heard about that periods syncing up deal and it kind of scares me. Supposedly Arab women in harems experience this phenomenon. You'd think the dude would oppose it.
Jean, I think Zoloft is addictive. Mike Tyson once threw a TV out a windown when guards denied him his daily fix.
by anna at August 17, 2003 7:19 AM
sync'd cycles is apperently the norm in convents. but i'm usually running out of them too fast, putting my shoes on while still moving, and buttoning my trousers to really have the time to ask.
by lajoie at August 17, 2003 2:19 PM
In my experience it hasn't been... I'm going off my Zoloft all the time, and I have to remind myself to keep taking it. Maybe he's psychologically addicted to it... decided he really "needs" it, or his sycophantic inner circle has told him that it's the fix for all his (self-created) problems, and he threw a diva hissy fit when something didn't go his way. Zoloft takes a week or two to build up to the proper dosage level in your system, and a week or two for the level to drop to zero when you stop taking it. So if Tyson only missed a few doses, I would say with 99% probability he was just being an idiot.
This brings to mind something I saw in the newspaper that steamed me immensely, which was an article that was questioning whether anti-depressant drugs should be prescribed at all (this was in the L.A. Times), because a study had found that depressed teens had the highest incidence of suicide in the two weeks immediately after being prescribed anti-depressants. NO anti-depressant I know of on the market (Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, etc. etc.) takes effect immediately. The standard doctor advice is to tell you that it will be two weeks before it takes effect. So basically the survey findings were crap from a chemical standpoint. And here some bozo features writer was using them to impugn all psychiatric medications. I'll be the first to say that I think anti-depressants are too quickly prescribed to treat personal issues, and that people really need to get serious about counseling and spiritual support. But that said, they are a good safety net until that support system gets built for the patient. I know that for me, Zoloft kept my rock-bottom from being worse than it was. It's just that a lot of people never get access to the interpersonal therapy and only stay on the chemical therapy level.
by jean at August 17, 2003 2:19 PM
In my experience it hasn't been... I'm going off my Zoloft all the time, and I have to remind myself to keep taking it. Maybe he's psychologically addicted to it... decided he really "needs" it, or his sycophantic inner circle has told him that it's the fix for all his (self-created) problems, and he threw a diva hissy fit when something didn't go his way. Zoloft takes a week or two to build up to the proper dosage level in your system, and a week or two for the level to drop to zero when you stop taking it. So if Tyson only missed a few doses, I would say with 99% probability he was just being an idiot.
This brings to mind something I saw in the newspaper that steamed me immensely, which was an article that was questioning whether anti-depressant drugs should be prescribed at all (this was in the L.A. Times), because a study had found that depressed teens had the highest incidence of suicide in the two weeks immediately after being prescribed anti-depressants. NO anti-depressant I know of on the market (Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, etc. etc.) takes effect immediately. The standard doctor advice is to tell you that it will be two weeks before it takes effect. So basically the survey findings were crap from a chemical standpoint. And here some bozo features writer was using them to impugn all psychiatric medications. I'll be the first to say that I think anti-depressants are too quickly prescribed to treat personal issues, and that people really need to get serious about counseling and spiritual support. But that said, they are a good safety net until that support system gets built for the patient. I know that for me, Zoloft kept my rock-bottom from being worse than it was. It's just that a lot of people never get access to the interpersonal therapy and only stay on the chemical therapy level.
by jean at August 17, 2003 2:19 PM
Sorry for the double-post... I got an error messy so I clicked post again.
by jean at August 17, 2003 2:23 PM
We're definitely tracking Anna. We should hang out real soon.
Jean, I did go to counseling for a bit until I got all of my demons back in their cages.I had gotten to the point where I didn't care about myself at all and was participating in every self destructive behavior I could. It wasn't a very pretty time in my life. I have gotten myself to the point now where I actually like the person I am and have forgiven myself for the things I did to Steph. What a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel like I can breathe again.
In my experience you can't, effectively, treat someone with chemicals alone. There has to be counseling involved to supplement the chemicals. If not then you're not really treating the problem just suppressing the symptoms.
by Ezy at August 18, 2003 8:55 AM
You've come a long way, baby.
I am very glad these feelings are in the past Ezy. Now I feel a little bad heckling you via email when you didn't post for a while...
Good fucking thing that events went haywire when Stephanie tried to visit you. Thank god for circumstances beyond your control. Not that I really think that it was chance. But you know what I mean.
by Linz at August 18, 2003 9:48 AM
Thank you Linz. You're a sweetie. Don't feel bad for heckling me. It actually helped. Got me off my ass so to speak.
I'm so glad about the divine intervention. I would be unbelievably unhappy with Stephanie. I can't imagine going back to that life not that I know something so much better. It's amazing what you're willing to settle for and make yourself believe it's right. How's the limey working out for ya?
by Ezy at August 18, 2003 10:15 AM
Brit boy is fabulous. We had a 24-hour date Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. Swimming to tapas bar to naughtiness to sleep to naughtiness to big breakfast (with baked beans, because they apparently eat baked beans with breakfast, and doughnuts, hash browns, french toast and canadian bacon) to him washing/buffing/removing paint scrapes from my car while I intermittently helped and played him songs in his driveway. He looked at my engine too. I love when guys know how to fix cars.
by Linz at August 18, 2003 1:43 PM
yeah, but brits always think the engine is on the right side.
by lajoie at August 18, 2003 2:03 PM
Good for you Linz. It makes me happy that this guy seems to know how to treat a lady, namely you, and isn't bullshit.
Naughtiness huh? Sounds like somebody needs a spanky if they didn't already receive one during the naughtiness. The waiting is no more I take it.
by Ezy at August 18, 2003 2:52 PM
Actually no, I am still waiting. Not much longer though...
Everything else though... good god. Good sweet god. Yes, someone does need a spanky. Can I tell you how sexy things like "I want to taste you" sound when delivered in an English accent?
I have also gotten him saying "yummy," which is quite delightful.
Hey, thanks for the interest Ezy... I didn't feel like posting about it because it's pretty sticky sweet but too new for tons of depth. And too new for me to know if it will last another week, you know? One shockingly kind gesture though (hidden deep in your comments): he offered to help me figure out my bills now that my open mic is about to be shut down in favor of monday night football. I was stressing and confessed this to him, and that was his reaction. He wants to like, do things for me.
by Linz at August 18, 2003 3:42 PM
You'll both know when the timing is right or will just get tired of waiting and consummate the deal.
He should want to do things for you and you for him also. That was when it dawned on me that I really was into Amy. I started wanting to do things for her and without her having to ask. It isn't work to do it either. It makes me happy to be able to make her life any easier.
Things usually sound better when said with an accent. Just does.
Well I'm off to see the Indigo Girls with Amy. It's gonna be a good night. Peace.
by Ezy at August 18, 2003 3:53 PM
I like it when girls know how to fix cars and lawnmowers.
by anna at August 18, 2003 5:27 PM
That is pretty sexy Anna. Nothing like seeing a hottie bent over a hood with a little bit of grease on her cheek fixing an engine. Redneck heaven.
by Ezy at August 19, 2003 9:03 AM
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When you love someone and they love you it really shoudn't matter how much you have in the bank.Now I must ask the question:Does she belittle you on your shortcomings or is this all in your head?You did not do the right thing by admitting everything to her...or were you gloating? Most women don't want to hear all your sexuall accomplishments. My advice to you is get some self respect,don't get down on yourself,wash your face,smell the java.Zoloft and relationships don't mix.
by Windex at August 30, 2003 11:03 PM
I have been looking around and see a constant state of nothingness.I don't know why I bother anymore.You're not a loser...I feel you just haven't found what you're looking for,if you can't be happy where you are you can't be happy anywhere.My Father said that to me once and I took it to heart.To comment on this femme...find another.I don't believe in soul-mates.Zoloft... damn, don't be suprised when you wake up dead,in heart and mind.I am presently listening to the A's eponymous album and the song,"Womans got the power"is playing maybe the A's have something there.
by Windex at September 3, 2003 3:31 AM
hey sexy, whats up? back in vancouver. please respond here is a phone# 360-693-5635 or use above e-mail address. this is a friends # & e-mail
DO ME NOW, DO ME HARD,I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU IN THE SHOWER,
zenja
by zenja at September 3, 2003 9:29 AM
Windex, since this little ditty was written I have picked myself up, brushed myself off and gotten my shit together. This girl was someone I had a relationship with off and on for sixteen years. She is gone now thank God.
The girl I mentioned in the first paragraph, Amy, and I have moved in together and things are going great. We have an uncanny understanding of each other and things seem to get better every day. I get bored very quickly usually but she definitely holds my attention. Things feel right and it isn't work to be together. It's about time.
by Ezy at September 3, 2003 11:34 AM
I just dont give a fuck anymore. You people think you have it bad, I have more mental conditions than I have fingers-and I have 10. Tried every Prozac and Xanax variant plus pot and alcohol and magic mushrooms. Only the 'shrooms and pot work but when I use them I can't work. Basically its come down to is it better to be fucked up or better to have society respect me. I have been on probation for a year and was just released but I give less of a fuck now. Shit. I'd rather be dead than act dead while I'm alive and the only thing that works is drugs. Despite the fact that I'm good-looking and educated I can't get any love from anybody, I've had too many bad experiences with my parents to trust them now and my only real friend is in Canada doing shit unsanctioned by society. I guess I should run up there and start over. Fuck, I've been nothing for 5 years and I hate it here. Shit I only like life when I'm fucked up around hiim, or to forget what I'm doing. You know, I just don't give a fuck, and I haven't given a fuck after 5 years of every legal and illegal drug in existence. Despite my 150 IQ and benefits of good family, I'm not happy, haven't been since I was 12, I'm 20, and haven't been remotely content since 12 1/2. FUck it. I just don't give a fuck. And for everybody wondering, if you commit suicide, you can't do drugs anymore and miss all the cool colors and emotional substitutes that the (especially harder) drugs give you. Just my 2 cents,
Someone who knows what's up and that despite therapy some shit never changes.... Know yourself, get fucked up at least every other day, and try not to worry and just be happy- DRUGS AND YOGA
FUCK EVERYBODY WHO TELLS YOU NOT TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU WANT TO DO. IF LEGALLY BASED DRUG INTERVENTION FAILS, WHY TRY?
by MD at October 9, 2003 2:02 AM
well you might call me a asshole, but it sounds to me like you got what you deserve.
i dont feel i have to explain myself but i have a strong set or morales and just sounds lto me like you got what was comeing to you.
deal with it.
by ed at February 24, 2005 1:36 PM