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What's in a name?
by anna at 08:03 AM on July 26, 2003
So we hear this "P. Diddy" hopes to purchase the Knicks. BFD. Like you, I couldn't care less about this self-aggrandizing 90s relic's exploits. But I do find it intriguing how the media oh so casually alludes to Sean Combs by his latest contrived nickname. You'll recall how he used to go by "Puff Daddy" back when he was reaming Jennifer Lopez a.k.a. "J. Lo."
Lopez/Lo: Ooh, give it to me Puff! Shove it up my big ass.
Daddy/Diddy: J, you so wet!
Lopez/Lo: Well, it's not me who's gonna sleep on the wet spot.
Daddy/Diddy: Shut up. Who's ya daddy?
Time was you could only assume a nickname if someone else gave it to you. Whereas today's stars simply hold a news conference to announce their new monikers. They shed names more often than hermit crabs do shells. Their slavishly loyal fans go along with it. And while that's sickening indeed, it's not nearly as bad as Lopez's sister informing Howard Stern that no one in her inner circle calls her J. Lo. *pukes up vital internal organs"
When you hear such ridiculous names as Jenny Talia or Anita Dick, it's hard not to wonder just what their parents were thinking. Mr. & Mrs. Dick had plenty of names to choose from; why go with Anita? Is her brother named Isaac? Did the pair enter into a suicide pact as a result?
Like Ms. Talia and that despondent Dick duo, I've always despaired over my name. In my youth I tried to get my peers to call me Vic, which is short for my middle name Victor. This clumsy attempt to rename myself only brought me ridicule and scorn. I also tried to persuade them to call me "The Kid" with similarly disastrous results. I am cringing just thinking about it.
Those who don't believe in the importance of names need only consider teenage cum receptacle-cum-Respectable Actress/Author Traci Lords. Don't think for a seccond that's she'd have achieved such lofty porn icon status had she spelled Tracy with a y. Mispelling it lent her a certain naughty aura perverts found irresistible.
Even my putative porn name sounds all awkward and uninspired. As you probably know, this is determind by combining your 1st dog or cat's name with the first street you lived on. In my case it's Shadow Leesburg. Somehow I doubt you'll ever see that name emblazoned across some sleazy XXX marquee. But hey, at least I'm not Isaac Dick.
comments (14)
these people exist. i had a consultant named bob. he went by robert. his surname was nuss. on his business card was his middle initial 'a'. on his answering machine was his middle initial 'a'. probably on his license, his library card, his passport, his frequent video rental card, as well as his university diploma, is the letter 'a'. he must have been past fifty and he's held on to including that damning little letter all these years. balls of steel, but the anus of robert.
by lajoie at July 27, 2003 1:13 PM
That is too funny. Last time I mentioned Anita Dick (an actual classmate of mine in HS) somebody went on a person-ID website and determined that there are indeed people with that name. I wonder if there are any Isaac Dicks out there and if so, whether they were fated from birth to a career in the gay porn industry.
by anna at July 27, 2003 1:57 PM
When I was reviewing mortgages I saw some of the craziest names. Always funny were the Willie and Richard Johnsons. There were also people whose last names were such gems as Pinkstaff and Boysnack. One unfortunate immigrant's name was Ashcan Gharbani. Mary Christmas was normal in comparison.
by jean at July 27, 2003 5:36 PM
Anna, my porn name is Midnight Jeter. Not quite as cool as Peter Cumsalot but pretty phat none the less? If I ever decide to join the porn industry I WILL go by that moniker.
by Ezy at July 28, 2003 9:04 AM
I always was relieved that nothing rhymes with Lindsay. That was, nothing did until kids decided to take rhyming liberties with "Flimsy." Doh!
by Linz at July 28, 2003 9:11 AM
Yeah Ezy I'm not overly surprised that your porn name is cool while mine is lame. And don't feel bad Linz. Rhyming kids used to call me Crusty Rusty. But I can't help but wonder if your tormentors meant flimsy like easily broken into or metaphorically as in a flimsy excuse.
by anna at July 28, 2003 5:24 PM
i guess mine would have been 'daphne cedar'. which i surely would have changed to 'daphne?...pee'd her!'
i'm not sure what the protocol is on using descriptive punctuation within a proper name, but i've got to think the 'industry' is a bit looser in it's rules. pun stupid, but intended. of course you can never go wrong with tit and ball size names, secretions and scatology......big jim gonadal, sara zgotcumonherbrow.....
by lajoie at July 28, 2003 7:07 PM
almost forgot, fay shell. lord forgive me.
by lajoie at July 28, 2003 7:15 PM
I think Shadow Leesburg is, kind of, mysterious Anna. Made me hot. Posting about the war again huh? Are you trying to lure MG back?
by Ezy at July 29, 2003 1:17 PM
My porn name is Roxy Lovejoy. Not bad, eh?
by Leaffin at July 29, 2003 1:34 PM
That Rox Leaffin.
by Ezy at July 29, 2003 3:58 PM
Yeah that was the general idea Ezy. I miss that guy and wonder what his porn name is. I should also point out that the thing doesn't work for many native New Yorkers like my wife who was born on 86th Ave.
by anna at July 29, 2003 5:07 PM
Omigod Ezy, my wife is off at Dog Beating Club and you've provided me with an inspiration: Recycled MG. When I first started checking out this site I read all the old stuff he wrote, when no one even commented at all. There was this widely ignored but masterful post about him wandering the streets of Queens and running across some strange man unloading even stranger meats from his trunk. It just captivated me, but for the life of me I can't find it. If I could, I'd have cut n pasted it here. So here's the thing: Find your favorite MG post and paste excerpts into the comments. Sooner or later he will return but until then it's the next best thing for all the MG fans out there. There are over 500 entries to choose from, incidentally. Click "Archives" and allot a day or two.
by anna at July 29, 2003 5:52 PM
Will do Anna. Maybe that will invoke the devil? We'll see.
by Ezy at July 30, 2003 10:35 AM