Men: Philosophy and Fart Jokes

by effenheimer at 06:59 PM on July 12, 2003

Since the first hominid came down from the trees, man has struggled with difficult philosophical questions like “Who am I?” “Where do I come from?” “Is that lion looking at me funny?” “Is there an afterlife?” “If I drink Coke and eat Pop Rocks at the same time, will my stomach explode?” “Is there a God?” “How can I convince women to have sex with me?” “Is that all there is to a fire?” and “Can I get extra cheese on that?”
The duality of man – two sides at odds that create a kind of a whole or A-hole as the case may be – is in everything we do. We are driven in various ways by biological needs, but we are also compelled by curiousity about our world. This makes us explorers as well as plunderers. We love and destroy nature at the same time. We can crave luxury until it overwhelms us and makes simplicity preferable.
While I do not believe men should lose touch with their animal natures, there seems to be a less-than-impressive trend lately of men reveling in their supposed manliness the way pigs fail to avoid their own feces. Programs like “The Man Show” on Comedy Central portray men as hairy children who think the funniest things in the world are extended fart jokes, watching women jump around on trampolines and daring audience members to let a fat man sit on their face. And this is one of the good shows. The trend has been spreading across cable networks far and wide. Recently, one network has decided to take the trend to the outer limits.
Spike TV (formerly The National Network, formerly The Nashville Network) wants to be the first network for men. Apparently, no one at TNN or Spike got the message that CBS won that distinction in the late ’70s when they ran “The Incredible Hulk” and “The Dukes of Hazzard” back to back.
Having just settled a ludicrous lawsuit with director Spike Lee over the use of the name, Spike TV plans to become “the first network for men” by converting its programming to include only such quality programs as “Stan Lee’s Stripperella,” “Gary the Rat,” “Trucks,” “Baywatch,” “Miami Vice,” “The A-Team,” “Car and Driver TV,” “100 Most Irresistible Women” and, as if the originals weren’t vulgar enough, “Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoons” in which our early-90s heroes are back to actually try and gross us out this time.
Apparently, being a man is about sitting around sniffing one’s finger. Being a man means taking WAY TOO MUCH delight in one’s own bodily functions while drinking stanky, cheap beer from a can and doing everything in one’s power to not use the brain. If fact, brainlessness is about the one thing Spike’s shows have in common. I don’t think Spike TV’s programming is so much about being a man, but about being a man who is also a HUGE, FREAKIN’ loser.
Watching Spike TV, you’d never realize Plato was a man. Or that Ben Franklin was a man. Or Oscar Wilde, J. Edgar Hoover, FDR, Michelangelo, Alexander, Marcus Aurelius. Heck, this kind of programming makes General Patton look like a pretty, little school girl because he liked poetry, read history books and believed in reincarnation.
I suppose Spike is some kind of backward reaction to Lifetime, Oxygen and WE purporting to be women’s networks, which, appropriately enough, don’t represent women any better. I would be the first guy to line up for a “network for men,” if such a thing could be conceived and executed by someone with brain cells, but frankly, it’s like cold fusion – a good theory but not bloody likely unless our world suddenly gets 57 hour days.
I’m a man, a real man, a hearty, lusty man of adventure ready for just about anything and between the History Channel, Sci Fi, Cartoon Network, Food Network, CNN, Comedy Central and TNT, my needs are pretty well covered. Most guys can get their kicks by adding ESPN, ESPN2, FoxNews and maybe Telemundo.
Spike TV represents a very small and mentally challenged segment of the masculine audience that can still get its jollies staring at breasts bouncing in slow motion, grease, gay jokes and poop. Call me light-in-the-loafers, but I need something a bit more mentally stimulating on any given night.