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I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
by anna at 05:59 PM on July 08, 2003
It's actually Linz's turn to post, I think, but she hasn't. Anyway she's all anti-religious so just imagine it's her without all the sexual tension of her posts.
Many Muslims believe that an act of martyrdom will land one in Heaven with 72 vestigial virgin's at one's disposal. Oh great. Just what you need, an oversized harem comprised of fumbling, inexperienced sexual rookies who bleed profusely upon penetration. Hope you brought a change of sheets.
As that overplayed song goes, Heaven is vastly overrated. Before you can gain entrance, you must endure a grueling interrogation at the hands of St. Peter. He'll delve into every little bit of wrongdoing you've done, even those instances you've conveniently forgotten. Shoplifting, date rape, all of it (just for kicks, confess your worst below. You'll feel a lot better after getting it off your chest.) Plead the Fifth and he'll slam those Pearly Gates in your face.
Those who pass muster qualify for angelhood. Angels have wings. They can fly. I detest flying. Seldom flew before Sept 11, haven't since and never will. Flying is for Peter Pan.
Like the Holy Land, Heaven is riven by religious rivalries. Jesus, Mohammed, Moses and Buddha all compete for the title of Top Prophet. Each commands a loyal fan base but only one gets to sit alongside God and fetch Him beers.
Now some would argue that Heaven rocks cuz you get to hobnob with Him. But let's face it, every good person who's died is up there. Fat chance God will find time for a heart-to-heart with your sorry ass. Plus, God is a pushy, vindictive know-it-all. He's also a homophobe who destroyed entire villages cuz some gays were cavorting there. And this was when he wasn't unleashing nasty plagues. Or else sacrificing His only Son to absolve our sins. As Pete Townsend once wrote, I don't need to be forgiven.
Worst of all, this is the Guy responsible for the vacuous likes of Enya. For that reason alone we should all start worshiping graven idols.
Speaking of musicians, angels are fond of idly plucking harp strings and it doesn't get any more pretentious that that. Forget a pin, ever try dancing on a cloud to harp music? Likewise, suppose you require the services of a lawyer, assassin or prostitute? You sure won't find any of them in Heaven.
So to recap: Heaven is a contentious place chock full of virgins, angels, tiresome music, God and His nosy henchmen. Not only that but you're continually surrounded by goody-goody-two-shoes. And while they may indeed be virtuous, they're about as mirthful as a global warming conference. Billy Joel had it right---the sinners are much more fun.
Four things could happen when you die: Going to Heaven, going to Hell, being cryogenically frozen Ted Williams-style or rotting in a pine box. Given a choice, I'd choose the latter any day of the week. How about you?
comments (18)
Yea, heaven does sound a bit boring but I'm not too sure I like the alternative. I'll hang out with Ned Flanders every day as opposed to having to tread water in a lake of fire or some other nasty punishment doled out by someone more sadistic and evil than me. That's just scary.
by Ezy at July 9, 2003 7:52 AM
Yeah it is. Funny Ned Flanders reference. I was tryin to remember his name when I posted this. As for wrongdoing, I once sold angel dust to bikers knowing full well they'd tool around on their scoots after smoking it.
by Anna at July 9, 2003 11:54 AM
I feel your evil Anna. Back in the day I used to sell blow and acid to high school students. It was about two years after I had graduated so I knew some of them from when I was there but there were a couple I didn't know. I felt strange doing it then but said what the fuck. If selling drugs to high school kids isn't a ticket straight to hell I'm sure I've done other things that are bad enough to deserve it.
by Ezy at July 9, 2003 12:04 PM
Heaven is just a place we've made up to make ourselves feel better about what is at the end of this madness. Or at least that is what I like to tell myself. I mean how many people have asked for some kind of sign or for some kind of help and recieved nothing. Could we just become another life at the end of this one and forever be in this loop of arguing over what "Heaven" could be?? And I am with you, I will pass on the virgins and take the experienced goddesses instead!!
by Darren at July 9, 2003 2:55 PM
Did anyone ever consider that the reward in Heaven for martyrdom may well be 72 virgins ?
Male lowland mountain gorillas, that is !! What shock and horror must befall their surprised facades.
by HamerPrototype at July 9, 2003 3:43 PM
You guys are too funny. I remember reading back when AIDS first reared its ugly head how it started just like that---perverts defiling green monkeys in east Africa. Of course that's since been disproved but still the...imagery remains.
by anna at July 9, 2003 4:52 PM
I've always wondered, is it pious to do something because you'll have access to 72 virgins? What's pleasurable about sticking your dick into an orifice causing pain and blood?
I've also wondered where the virgins come from. The female:male martyr ratio's not 72:1, so female martyrs are not rewarded by promises of re-virgination and access to 1/72 of the penis time of a male martyr. So then are they simply young women who die while virgins? Am I supposed to feel happy when my young daughter dies knowing that she'll go to heaven to be fucked by some male martyr, along with 71 of her closest friends? Are young women supposed to look forward to going to heaven (should they die young) to be flowers in a martyr harem? I didn't realize so many young women had such aspirations.
As for heaven, something I wonder about is how does god solve the empathy problem, which goes like this: how can heaven be a perfect paradise when you know that there are people burning in hell (i.e. agonizing in pain)? It's important to realize that hell is full of good people. As, being an ethical person and accepting god can be two entirely different things. One of those actions is sure to get you into heaven, the other is not. I've always found it kind of odd that one could be the most ethical, selfless person on the face of the earth, but that would be insufficient for heavenworthiness. If I were in heaven I don't know how I could be happy knowing there were people suffering.
by chris at July 9, 2003 4:57 PM
By the way, where does this number 72 come from? If one liked to fuck three times a day (morning, noon, and night, I could go for that if I had my druthers). Let's further say that each session involved a different one of the 72 virgins, and that the morning and night sessions involved two virgins, for a grand total of fucking five different women each day. That would make for a rotation cycle of two weeks before the first woman comes around again. Are 72 women really supposed to be satisfied waiting two weeks between martyr fucks? Sex drive might be slightly different between the sexes, but 72:1?
by chris at July 10, 2003 1:35 AM
Chris, your combination of an ability to dispassionately analyze something and simultaneously display heartfelt empathy for others' suffering is pretty amazing. Double adverb alert!
by anna at July 10, 2003 6:57 AM
That's some good shit Chris. I always wondered where the 72 virgins thing came from too. I mean, why not 80 or better yet an endless supply of porn stars put there just to pleasure you. If my experience serves me right; you probably won't be getting anal from a virgin.
The wait between martyr fucks could be longer than two weeks unless God gives the man stamina like no other. What if you just get tired? You're in heaven for an eternity also. What if you wear your 72 virgins out and their vaginas become cavernous? Is there a trade in plan? What if a couple are just screaming bitches? Can you cast them to hell to get rid of them? So many questions.
by Ezy at July 10, 2003 9:06 AM
But I like Enya...
by Linz at July 10, 2003 3:19 PM
Did you mean vestigial virgins, or vestal?
Vestal virgins have sex but remain pure because... erm, don't know the details... that's how the cult was set up. A vestigial virgin, though... reminds me of my ole' vestigial tailbone. My vestigial ear-swivelling muscles. My vestigial student loan balance that won't go away because minimum payments are so damn low... :)
by jean at July 10, 2003 3:26 PM
Actually I don't know. Vestigial is like, your tonsils or some other unnecessary organ. But there is a word that is usually associated with virgins. I don't know what it means either. And here's a confession: that Enya song that's on the radio
constantly puts me in this weirdly pleasant trance. I just chose her cuz I figured you hip young whippersnappers hated her. Gotta go buy her CD.
by anna at July 10, 2003 5:24 PM
I’ve always wondered, if heaven is such a great place, then why is that Touched by an Angel bitch always trying to keep everyone from killing themselves?
by MrBlank at July 10, 2003 7:31 PM
What about those girls who refuse to have vaginal sex for fea of STDs or pregnancy but greely give oral and/or anal? Are they technically virgins? And where do you find these girls?
by BD Man at July 11, 2003 6:44 AM
My friend died in his early twenties via hanging himself on a tree, since then, he told me that heaven is generally a 'swell' place, and that it is also what you want to make of it. He also said, there truly is no hell place, because our current condition makes up for that. And then let's see, um, I just ate the most profoundly good tasting baked beans, and I poured tabasco sauce on it and pretended I was on a ranch in the midwest while the sun was setting. Yeah, that's what I do for fun and relaxation these days.
by loxspreed at July 11, 2003 4:30 PM
Yeah if this global warming thing ever gets its act together we'll have no need for the hot place down below. We could put ol' Satan out of business! I want his pitchfork.
by Anna at July 12, 2003 7:42 AM
Does anyone know if you get *exclusive* access to the virgins or not? Cos that'd explain the two-week gap between 'em. Or maybe threeways are the answer. Or an extra dick to speed things along... actually, no, that's just dumb.
Seems to be a lot of stuff to be fixed in this martyr-contract, first.
by Andy at July 12, 2003 1:57 PM