Episode I: The Chewbeccan Menace

by ezy at 01:16 PM on July 16, 2003

I told a bit of this story commenting on one of Eff’s posts. I would link you to it but I’m too lazy to go find it. To fully appreciate the story, I need to tell it from the beginning. This will, also, be a two or three part odyssey.

I met Becca at a friend’s house when I was a junior in high school. My friend played guitar and I thought I could sing so he twanged away as I howled at the moon. He was giving Becca’s brother lessons so she was always around. Whether we were good, or not, I can’t say. We impressed the hell out of Becca though. She would sit there for hours listening to us making moon eyes all the while. All was well until the weekend I fucked up.

I was at a field party and Becca happened to show up. I was hammered, one thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with her. I, honestly, didn’t remember much the next day. My friends filled me in on my antics of the night before. They ribbed me mercilessly for having sex with Becca. She’s not the best looking thing. Well, I’m not either but if I can say this about someone, well, you get the picture. My friends dubbed her Chewbecca, in honor of everyone’s favorite wookie, due to some visible facial hair among other things. Kids are ruthless.

Monday rolled around and I thought I might get off easy. Man was I wrong. Becca was waiting at my locker for me. My friends were also waiting with amused looks on their faces, probably to see how I handled the situation. She wanted to know if what happened meant we were going steady now. I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings but was, in no way, going to go out with her. I told her that, while we had fun, I was interested in a girl at another school. Needless to say this hurt her feelings. I didn’t say it in a mean way but the result was the same. C’mon. This was the 80s. Free love was making a comeback and everyone, it seemed, was getting on the bus. She walked off and I didn’t hear from her until that night. She called me around 8pm and wanted to talk about our relationship. Relationship!? What relationship!? I was thinking. I asked her what she meant. “Well,” she says “the more I think about what we did, it just makes sense that we should be in a relationship. The other guys I’ve slept with dated me” “Becca” I said “I’ve slept with other girls besides you and none of us are in a committed relationship.” Evidently she thought I was a virgin, until the night we bumped uglies, because she hung up on me.

The next day she was, again, waiting at my locker. Damn. This girl couldn’t take a hint. I put away the books I wouldn’t need and, without a word to her, walked to my first period class. She walked the entire way with me and stood at the door peering in at me until the bell rang and the teacher asked her to leave. My God. That day in class was brutal. I got dumped on by everyone. People I didn’t even hang with were giving me shit. I know it was my own fault now but at seventeen that just doesn’t compute. She called again that night and I told her, in no uncertain terms, that we were not dating. She hung up again.

This cycle went on for about a week then, to my surprise, it quit. She had found a man. Thank the Gods. I could, finally, move forward, assess the damage, and live again. I, actually, thought this would go away forever. My tranquility lasted for a month. She and her boyfriend broke up. She called me up that night wanting to talk about her breakup. She seemed genuinely upset so I decided to talk with her about it. We talked for an hour or so and had a good conversation. No crazy talk about relationships or UFOs. Maybe we could be friends? Maybe? Fuck no. The conversation drifted back around to our “relationship”. I got off the phone pretty quickly after that. This vicious cycle went on through the remainder of high school with me taking the brunt of many jokes. I thought that once we were out of high school the girl would just fade away. Wrong.

When I finished school I decided to give college a try and stayed with my parents while attending. This gave Becca access to me. She had already won my Dad over and I would come home to them sitting in the living room having spirited discussions. She would act like that was the reason she came bye until I left the room. She would then disengage herself and follow me around. What the hell!? I only slept with her once. I came to the only diagnosis that made any sense to me. She must be certifiable. Crushes are one thing but this crap was ridiculous. This behavior went on until I left for the Army. Finally, some distance and, hopefully, peace.

My hopes were soon to be dashed. My first deployment was sunny downtown Port-au-Prince, Haiti. I was kicking back playing spades with some fellow troops when I was called downstairs for a phone call. Guess who? Becca. My family couldn’t even get through to me and she, somehow, found a way? We made small talk for a while then, much to my chagrin, the relationship talk began. She kept telling me about these recurring dreams she had been having where we’re married. She thought it was fate talking to her. Well, Mr. Fate and I had some drastically different views of my future I’m here to tell you. I told her that dreams were just that, dreams. While they may be a direct representation of what your subconscious may want, they are still nothing but dreams. She never heard me. Well, she may have heard but some connection between her ears and brain wasn’t functioning correctly. She continued to call every other week to see how I was doing and tell me more about her whacked out dreams which I refused to listen to. She quit calling after a couple of months. Thank you again God. She must have found another boyfriend. I finished out my deployment and returned to Ft. Bragg.

I had about two months of peace and quiet then one night, after being at the bars until closing, I came home to find Becca sitting on my barracks steps. What the fuck! She made up some lame excuse about traveling through and needing a place to crash. I still, to this day, don't know how she found out where I lived or what she would've done if I hadn't come home that night. Against my better judgment; I told her she could sleep in my bed and I’d take the other one. My roommate was away on deployment. Everything was fine until about 4am. I awoke to Becca trying to crawl in bed with me. I told her to get the fuck out and find a hotel. I asked her why she couldn’t respect my wishes and get it through her head that I didn’t want to date her. Her reply was “But I think we’re supposed to be together”. I said “Well I don’t. Please leave”. She left and things returned to normal. For a while. To be continued…………….