« Gypsies Tramps and Thieves | Main | let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be »
Sex is fun, but a gyro is a thing of beauty
by effenheimer at 03:03 PM on April 11, 2003
Most of my best "sex" stories are near misses. I worked at a telemarketing place back the mid 90s. The X Files were new and everything seemed right with the world. Believe it or not, this story involves TWO strippers. I worked with this chick at the telemarketing place who lived in downtown Omaha, but we worked out in west Omaha and she didn't have a car. She was bussin' it home every night.
Now, in spite of appearances, I am a pretty nice guy, unassuming, good-natured and not particularly lascivious. I had to go the train station near her house to pick up some train tickets. So I asked her if she wanted a ride home so she didn't have to spend 45 minutes on the bus and make two transfers. She said OK. I picked up my tickets, dropped her off and was prepared to go my own way when she invited me up to her place to blow some really good herb.
Bomp-chic-a-bomp-baaaaaah, bomp-bah-duh!
She was a stripper. Her roommate was a stripper and they had to get ready to go to work, but I could sit down and smoke. Well, it was only about 5 o clock and they didn't have to go to work until like 8 or 9, but I had never been to their particular club so I didn't know if they were day or night or whatever. So there I am, smokin' this really good ganja, watching Highlander and these two strippers are getting changed for work. They are both takin' showers and then the one is wearing a teddy, which is odd, because most dancers do their makeup but they don't wear their costumes to the club and most of THOSE don't wear teddy's.
I know what you're thinkin'. "This guy must have been stupid." And I was. For you see, the weed was so good, I was totally out of it. I had been hanging around strip clubs so long, I was desensitized and thought they were merely being immodest in my presence. Plus I'm not the most sought after piece of ass in the Midwest and really don't expect women, let alone TWO women, LET ALONE TWO STRIPPERS, to want to have sex with me at the same time. CAN YOU DIG IT?!
But here is the really good part. My friend was like "come in here so we can talk" and I was all like "that's cools, I can wait until you're done changing." Then i got tired of waiting around. I was getting hungry for my usual Friday night gyro so I said, "Well ladies, thank you for the very nice time, but I guess you have to go to work and I need to be moseying along so I will say good night."
As they walked me to the door, they stood there in their underwear looking at me with the greatest incredulity I have ever seen on a human face. I waved from by the elevator and I SWEAR TO GOD I didn't figure out what was going on until I was eating my gyro some 30 minutes later. "OH MAAAN" i said with that little frustrated whine.
Now in retrospect, this dancer was working at a lesser club, HAD been on the pipe, HAD been a hooker and was probably not the best best for some reasonably safe sex. even if I wore a condom, how could I have my wicked way with two women who had a wall full of pictures of themselves partying with dudes and not end up with a face full of mystery muff and while I might escape the HIV i don't need a huge scab on my mouth that comes back every few weeks either.
But DAMN that gyro was good! I REGRET NOTHING! But still...
comments (10)
LOL. Genius. A near miss for sure. I love Gyro's did it have that great creamy sause on it?
by syd at April 11, 2003 3:13 PM
I didn't think it qualified as a gyro without the creamy cucumber sauce.
Great story Eff. I thnk all of us have had experiences of that nature. It sounds like it may not have been the most healthy thing you could've done though. Divine intervention?
by Ezy at April 11, 2003 3:32 PM
~blinks blank faced...blinks again~
I'm not sure if I should pat you on the back, or spank your ass. ~smiles~
There are times when an opportunity arises and we just don't get it. A subtle hint overlooked. A direct hint goes un-noticed. Dahhhmmmn! You could have scored in a major way! Ggeeessh…then again, you’re prolly right, you may have just nearly escaped with balls intact.
Big guy like you could have gotten raped, or something (gawd forbid) and spent the next several days rubbing “owie” lotion over your cock. Or worse yet, spent the oncoming years with a disease that kills.
Chalk it up for a moment lost…
and I am certain fate had something to with it…
like live another day to tell your story. ? !
NOTE: never fuck a crack whore! eewwwwie
Later Elffin Hammer! ~giggles~
(I like this name better than ELFY BOY, don’t you?)
Pantera
by Pantera at April 11, 2003 3:41 PM
Ah man, when I saw the title, I was hoping this would be about the Gyro stand on Welch Ave. Hmm... drunken gyros.
(Sorry, this comment is totally inside)
by mg at April 11, 2003 4:17 PM
Yeah it's always a day late and a dollar short. When my friends and I ran into the flirtatious Miss Canada contestants @ the Waldorf Astoria bar, we figured they were just playing with our minds. Ah, to be back there.
by Anna at April 11, 2003 5:02 PM
chalk that one up to the killer bud. reminds me of the time i hit a six foot bong for the first time...there was some hot stoner chick all over me, but i was so wrecked i couldn't do anything about it - i literally couldn't move. by the time i came out of the haze, she had gotten bored and moved on...doh!
by JC at April 11, 2003 7:41 PM
I was going to write that I had never personally had a Welch Ave. gyro but that i'd seen many a drunken folk standing in line in the wee hours of the morning, but then I realized that I had indeed had one of them.. i was one of the drunken folk standing around waiting for my turn. i don't really remember how it tasted, but i'm sure it was marvelous! don't think i ever gave up sex for a gyro, though...
by Leaffin at April 12, 2003 11:58 AM
tzatziki sauce! that is the gyro sauce of which you speak and yes, this place had the best REAL gyros around. good supplier for the meat, none of that "grecian delight" horseshit. just pure delight. and the people who owned the place were all fat and made the gyros so big you never walked away hungry. sometimes you walked away with a damn good snack. all for 8 bucks.
yeah i was stoned and Im kind of glad because these chicks were definitely not the kind of girl you take home to mother.. especially if mother works at the free clinic. The one soon after found herself prgnant and went BACK on the pipe briefly, had an abortion and disappeared into parts unknown.
THEN I got fired from my telemarketing job, hit the skids for a nearly two years and when i finally decided to go back to college i had to get a job at ANOTHER telemarketing place working nights on the psychic hotline and guess who was one of the supervisors? I shit you not. I didnt even recognize her right away. Apparently she dropped out, moved to Denver, got into a rehab and met a nice fella. the fell in love and for some odd reason moved back to Omaha where she got this job.
And the question you know you want answered, was she bitchy to me for turning her down? YES SHE WAS. Hell, i didnt even turn her down, i was just out of it.
the gyro man is still around, MG. I dont know if you read the daily or not, but he was just having a huge rau with Jimmy Johns, it moved to the store right by the Gyro man and then started bitching about the smoke and his customers. what a hassle.
by eff at April 13, 2003 5:13 PM
Look the right thing to do was FIRST have sex THEN move on to devour gyros. The other way round is cool too but your mouth will smell like shit after tzatziki so I guess it won't happen.
Plus if you've eaten too much it's not very comfortable.
But, stoned or not, 2 gals wanted YOU to USE them. I mean, shake you head to get your thoughts in the right order. IT WAS 2 OF THEM.
Even the herpes disease (or whatever it's called in english) all over you mouth later on would be worth it.
by necropethamenos at April 14, 2003 5:05 AM
I am not an orgy guy. Oh sure, it sounds cool on paper, but the actual mechanics of it... the only good thing is that when I have done and left two women unsatisfied, they can talk to each other.
but herpes is EXACTLY what I feared.
by eff at April 16, 2003 2:30 PM