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Don’t come around here no more
by ezy at 04:29 PM on April 23, 2003
One of Necro’s comments got me to thinking about a little adventure my buddy Eddie and I had when we were around seventeen.
I was supposed to go out with Stephanie but opted to hang with my buddy on Friday night. We went to supper at a country diner (well due to where I grew up all of the diners were country) with my Dad to get some home cooked grub. We were checking out the menus when our waitress walked over. She was hot. I started flirting with her and she surprised me by flirting back. Whoa. The flirting got to a point, then she asked me what I was doing later. Going to the football game with my bud I informed her. She asked if she could tag along and bring a friend for him. Ed kicked me under the table and I quickly said yes. We worked out the details, finished eating and walked away from the diner feeling triumphant. We had at least one hottie showing up with us to the football game. Sweet!
We picked the ladies up and proceeded to the high school. We had gotten a friend to get us beer, some whisky, and I had an eighth of bud. We were primed for a good time. We went in and started watching the game. I was in the process of completing my mack move when there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and who was there? Stephanie!!! Oh fuck! How long had she been there I wondered? Well, too late now. I was busted. She went to another school. They weren’t playing my school. What the hell was she doing there? I wasn’t sure what to do so I started a scene and accused her of spying on me. How ridiculous is that? Well, Ed and I scooped up the ladies and left. We were determined to have a good time and nothing as trivial as a pissed off girlfriend was going to thwart our plans.
We drove up to the Blue Ridge Parkway and pulled off at a place I knew. We started a small campfire and got down to getting those girls drunk and high. Things were progressing nicely (I even got my hands up my girl’s skirt. Go Me!) then the girls asked if we could go back to their house where there were beds. Not a problem I assured them. I asked my girl where her parents were and she informed me that she lived with her Dad and had the basement to herself. She also told me that her Dad didn’t really care what she did and never came downstairs. Perfect.
We got to her house and I parked up the street so as not to tip off her Pops and went in the basement door. We didn’t talk or anything. We just started taking off clothes throwing them everywhere. I had my girl on her bed while Ed was making good use of the couch. I was fumbling with a condom when the upstairs door opened. Shit! Then footsteps on the stairs. Shit!! Ed and I beat feet to her closet and got inside. There we were, two naked dudes, in uncomfortably close quarters, in complete darkness. We heard her Dad yelling at her about hearing guy’s voices in the basement. She then proceeded to yell “They’re not in the closet!” Oh my God. Could she be any more stupid? Ed and I pulled what clothes we could over us then the door opened. “You boys have about one minute to get the hell out of here. I’m going upstairs to get my shotgun.” her Dad said. He turned and we heard him going back up the stairs. Ed and I were frantically looking for our clothes when we heard him coming back. I had a tee shirt and Ed found his pants. We bolted. We were running up the street when we heard a loud BOOM! To this day I don’t know if he actually shot at us or not but it was enough to coax Jessie Owens like speed out of both of us. We were parked about fifty yards up the street. On the way to the car we ran past an old lady walking her dog. I think we all made the same face when we saw each other. We got to the car and got the hell out of there.
It didn’t end there. I had to try to sneak into my house in nothing but a tee shirt. Naturally my parents caught me. My Mom freaked while my Dad stood behind her trying not to laugh. Needless to say I didn’t pursue anything else with either of those girls. It was probably exactly what I deserved for cheating on my girl but I really liked those pants.
comments (14)
A priceless story! A dad with an honest-to-goodness shotgun... it doesn't get any better :)
by jean at April 23, 2003 10:28 PM
I get this funny feeling that EZY writes a lot of fiction. Does anyone else get the same feeling? Maybe it's just the Hamberger Helper sitting in my colon.
by MrBlank at April 24, 2003 12:52 AM
Well, he and I are neighbors. Maybe I'll find out, but it all seems stranger than fiction online.
by Anna at April 24, 2003 1:39 AM
you rock Ezy... fabulous story. The time my first boyfriend's dad caught us with his hand in my shirt no longer seems at all excruciating.
by Linz at April 24, 2003 10:05 AM
I had a girlfriend's dad catch me trying to have sex once. Unfortunately, I was trying to have sex with him after he fell asleep on the coutch in the den. Boy was he upset when he woke up, but I could tell he was only pretending to sleep that last five minutes.
by mg at April 24, 2003 10:14 AM
Blank, you shouldn't eat Hamburger Helper. It'll give you the runs. Anywho, nothing I write is fiction. As strange as it seems, I haved lived everything I write here. I can provide proof for everything I have written and will write on this site. In fact, if Anna can swing it, he'll meet the girl I posted about last week on Saturday when we have drinks. If you live a mundane life don't blame me.
Jean, you have to remember that I am from redneck central. Every Dad has a shotgun.
MG, you rock. You should've slipped him a roofie.
Linz, you're still the shiznit. A hand in the shirt? You bad, bad girl.
by Ezy at April 24, 2003 10:31 AM
I din't say they were bad stories. Besides, I eat a lot of Hamberger Helper so my colon can kick your colon's ass.
by MrBlank at April 24, 2003 11:30 AM
Glad you enjoy them. Besides, I've had your colon. It wasn't that great.
by Ezy at April 24, 2003 12:23 PM
Okay, Okay.....heres the funny thing about Ezy...he's a lad I've had the pleasure of having him in my life for about three years...I know first hand that Ezy has a way of falling into the most bizare predicaments....anywhere from girls that throw themselves at him, to finding free drugs laying around for his use. He's a bit on the crazy side and I think most individuals that are simalar can smell it on him. I know that's what happened when I met him. I've seen him in action enought to know that he tells no fiction....I've met half of the folks he tells these freaky stories about, and trust me they are just as crazy as he is! Ezy is a good hearted lad that you can detect his trustworthy'ness in the first five mins that you meet him...so alot of folks immediatly take down their gaurd and just let him guide the way.
Seriously folks...this guy just runs into this stuff! You can find out more about ezy @ www.kittymagnet.com
by bandwally at April 24, 2003 4:54 PM
Ya Ya...I saw the mistypes...sorry bout dat Ezy...I'll take my demerits when your ready to hand them out-
by bandwally at April 24, 2003 4:57 PM
Bandwally, I love you mistypes and all girl. No demerits this time. You do get a pass for a free ride on the Ezycoaster though ;-)
by Ezy at April 25, 2003 9:17 AM
one word...Weeeeeeeeeeee
by badwally at April 25, 2003 2:06 PM
Lets see if you can keep your hands up the entire way. Call me later jigga.
by Ezy at April 25, 2003 3:50 PM
Not that it has anything to do w/ this post but I suspect Ezy, non-Satanist Amy, Nanci and I had a good time last night. We got together and I don't remember much.
by Anna at April 27, 2003 8:06 PM