« Fair Use: Above The Fold | Main | fair use: the happiest place on earth »
You're once... twice... three times a lady
by ezy at 01:11 PM on March 31, 2003
Sorry I have been quiet again. I had a brutal certification class for my job and had to devote all of my time to it. I passed though. Go me. Mo money!! Anyway, here is one of the things that have been going on lately.
With all of the negative things going on in the world right now, I finally, have something positive to dwell on. I hope. I’m going to spend next weekend with my ex-fiancé. We have a very long history spanning sixteen years. We met at a church camp when I was sixteen and she was fourteen. We dated through high school and two years of college until I left for the Army. The distance proved to be a bit much for her and, with the feelings of abandonment she broke things off with me. We toyed with the idea of getting back together on many occasions but I was in Colorado and she was in Virginia. Needless to say, long distance relationships usually work only in movies, if then, and ours just didn’t work at all. We kept in touch though.
I made a monumental mistake on the rebound from (let’s call her) Steph and married someone I shouldn’t have. K was a nice girl and I thought I loved her. What I wanted to be love was soon shown for what it was; rebound love. Rebound love is a strange beast, no? It will definitely make you do things totally out of character like get married when you have doubts. I guess I had been torn down to the point that any affection directed my way by a member of the opposite sex qualified them for unconditional love from me. It’s disgusting actually. Whiney, sniveling and disgusting. Is there anything as pitiful as a man going through a rebound that has cut him to the soul?
Well, Steph chose the day after I was married to call me and say she thought we needed to talk. Talk!? You haven’t called in three months and now we have things to talk about? I informed her that I had just gotten married and didn’t think my wife would appreciate that. She was devastated. I couldn’t understand why. Isn’t this what she wanted? Me out of her life. After I hung up I couldn’t shake the thought of her. That lasted for a month until I finally called her.
I called during work hours, when I thought she wouldn’t be there, so I could listen to her voice on the answering machine. Pitiful huh? Everything went according to plan until she answered. Oh shit! I had no idea what to say so I said "hi." We ended up talking for an hour or so telling each other how much we missed and loved each other. When we got off the phone I knew I had made a huge mistake. What the hell was I going to do now? Well, I went home that night and told K that I couldn’t stay married to her. I was in love with Steph and didn’t think it would be fair to her if I lived a lie and involved her. She wasn’t happy but said she knew that I loved Steph. She told me she was just hoping I would forget about her given the time. The next week was a tough one for all parties involved. K and I had to live in the same house until she found a place to move to. The whole time she wouldn’t sleep and would keep me up trying to convince me that we could work things out if I’d just forget about Steph. I could just as soon forget how to breathe and told her so. Suffice to say that that was one shitty week. The guilt I felt for involving K was terrible. She didn’t deserve any of this and was going through her own personal hell due to my actions. I still, to this day, know I did the right thing by leaving though. I couldn’t have loved her like a husband should and I know this, so why go through the motions?
Steph and I got back together and tried to make things work. I was still in the Army and she was living about an hour away so we had weekends to see each other. It worked until I got out and moved in with her. I landed a job that kept me away from home about six months out of the year. If anyone here has had to make a long distance relationship work you know how rough it can be. We started growing away from each other a bit more each day. She had her circle of friends and when I came home I would just try to fit in her life as best I could. I never felt like any of it was mine, or even a part of it. Then I would leave again for months and the divide ended up being too much for us to overcome. We split again.
This time we stayed apart for almost three years. One night I was having a party at my apartment when Steph calls. I thought she was this girl that wouldn’t stop calling so I was a bit rude and hung up. Steph’s Mom called me the next day and asked why I was such an ass to Steph. I asked her what the hell she was talking about. I hadn’t talked with Steph in years. She informed me that it was her I had hung up on the previous night. Shit! I called Steph back and talked with her for a while. She told me she was going to get married but her fiancé had pulled out at the last minute and she needed a friend to talk to. Fuck! I didn’t really want to hear about it since I still had feelings for her but felt I owed that much, at least, for doing some of the bad things I’d done to her when we were younger. Oh I forgot to tell that part. I was a bit of a dog in my younger days and used to cheat on her pretty regularly. I am not proud of this and felt that everything that she had done, in retaliation, was justified. I deserved what I had gotten thus far and thought that if I could help her then I owed that to her. We began talking every night and she poured her soul out to me about how different this guy had been from me and how she thought he was the elusive “Mr. Perfect” that every woman seems to be looking for. He did all the things from making a scrap book of their relationship to getting the ring from Tiffany’s. The guy was good. I have to give him that. He did all of these things up to the point where it was time to put up or shut up then left. He’d gotten what he wanted. He was accepted to the MBA program where Steph had great connections and was able to put in the right word for the right person. Elementary my dear Watson. She was left to pick up the pieces. Fucker.
I listened to her as a friend, and would drive two states away to sit with her and let her cry on my shoulder. One weekend she instigated sex and I went with it. We ended up back in each other’s family’s lives and the whole deal. She said she wanted to move to D.C., after finishing her MBA, so we could give things a fair shot. Well, a couple of months away from graduation she started having second, and maybe third, thoughts. Needless to say I was a bit confused and hurt by this. I was totally structuring my life to have her here and had been for months, what was this last minute wishy-washy shit? Well, things fell apart and I learned, from keeping up with her family, that she had a new beau. Sucks for me huh? We didn’t talk for another year.
She called me this past Christmas and said she would like to see me if it was ok. If you would have told me, before Christmas, that Santa or Steph might call, I would’ve put my cash on the fat guy. I went to see her. Now she has quit her job in N.C. and moved to Richmond.
This is two hours south from D.C. She says she is looking for jobs in the D.C. area and I’m a large factor for this. Whew. I am one scared mofo. To do this again I’m going to have to take down every wall and allow her back within striking distance of my heart. She’s my Kryptonite. There’s no doubt about that. I am going to do it though. I feel that you meet that special person once, twice maybe if you’re lucky, and it’s worth the potential pain to me to find out if we can put the past away and just enjoy one another. I may be setting myself up for one hell of a fall. I’m not sure if I should cease and desist all other female correspondence or keep things as they are until I see some concrete proof that I’m what she wants. I really don’t know what to do but I don’t want to fuck up a chance with her if I can help it. I also don’t want to give 110% to get back 40%. This is going to be touch and go for sure. Any ideas?
comments (32)
I bet mg could offer some advice in this department.
I will say this though; set a limit for the number of chances you will give her & don't exceed that limit. It's may be that now that you guys have grown up a bit you are ready to be good for each other.
by Linz at March 31, 2003 2:33 PM
EZY, sheesh, put some effort into your posts, will ya? Dont make Lockheed get all over your case. I agree with LINZ, btw. Set a limit. But that limit should be at least 20 or 25 chances.
by Eviltom at March 31, 2003 3:28 PM
Jeez Tom, you are such an ass.
Anyway Ezy, sounds like you might have better luck with the married, satanist blind date. But, I'm probably not the best person to give advice about this kind of thing, as Linz was trying to point out.
by mg at March 31, 2003 3:31 PM
Evil One, I pour my heart out to you and this is what I get? I thought you loved me man. I'll try harder. Promise. I just have some shit on my mind at the moment.
MG, I'll be such a basket case, if this doesn't work out, that I will join my dark princess, in her worship, bang her bent over a headstone, in the graveyard of her choosing, with her "husband" chanting incantations and burning my ass intermittently with a black, satanic candle . How's that for losing it?
Linz, I haven't figured out how to say no to this woman in sixteen years, as if you couldn't tell. Maybe that is a large part of the problem? She knows I'll be here so she treats me any way she wants and leaves me to put my shit back together. Who knows? Not me evidently.
by Ezy at March 31, 2003 4:06 PM
I'd hate to be the putz, but I think you should let this one go. If you two haven't been able to get it right in the last sixteen years, perhaps you should investigate other fishes in the sea. It would be a shame to spend the next sixteen years trying to make it happen only to realize you two just weren't meant to be. I'm not trying to be an ass, but I don't think anything can stop the vicious cycle.
Or you could start drinking. Heavily. Either way, something's got to work.
by Jimnice at March 31, 2003 4:17 PM
JIMNICE, that's not being a putz. See the Evil One's post above. I could start drinking heavily...wait...I already do that. I guess there's always heroin.
Logically, I know that, maybe, I should move on but my head and heart are at serious odds here. I also must say that I have played a huge role getting us to where we are now. My cheating, not paying attention, and not showing up emotionally have contributed here. For sixteen years we have had one long term relationship after another and I was a complete ass so I don't think we've had a fair shot to make things work. I guess I'm hoping that, now that we're older, we can live in the same place, come home to each other, and have a relationship where we can be together and grow as a couple. I don't think that is to much to ask. I am going to have to prove myself to her all over again which is going to be a bitch. I'm a different person than I was and everyone I know can trust and count on me. It'll be tough seeing doubt in her eyes where there should be complete trust. Fuck it. I did it to myself so that's my albatross I guess.
by Ezy at March 31, 2003 4:58 PM
run. or better yet, don't. but don't let her back into your life. i guarantee you it will end the same as every other time you've tried this. i had a similar relationship, and trust me, they're never "happily ever after" pretty. the best you can hope for is some good sex before getting your heart broken again, and who needs that? you can get good sex with no emotional attachment from a variety of sources. (let's not forget about the loose women and their head-giving fetuses that frequent abortion clinics)
my two cents is that you need to tell this chick to fuck off and leave it at that.
by JC at March 31, 2003 5:05 PM
oh sure, comment when i'm commenting so that i'm commenting on outdated material. thanks a ton.
well if it's your fault, fuck it, give it a shot. but don't say i didn't warn you...
by JC at March 31, 2003 5:07 PM
She was 14 when you met and you've been on again off again for 16 years. That means she's 30 now. That is too old. Is K any younger?
by Anna at March 31, 2003 6:17 PM
Your guilt is gonna fry your ass. Get over it. But if you absolutely have to get together again, please do the rest of us a favor, do not have any children.
by skorpius at March 31, 2003 11:20 PM
Whatever professionalism is left in me says, don't do it, unless your probability is 60/40. Especially if you have a beau right now. Generalized Anxiety is on high these days for civilizations, rash moves might save your ass or eradicate it, I know this all to well. So, there goes the 60/40 professionalism; be prepared to lose it all if you fall in love again. And um, you were young when you were a 'dawg', don't let that GUILT trip you. No more guilt. No more sorrow, Ezy. Have you ever watched a flower grow?
by LOCKHEED at April 1, 2003 1:22 AM
Well I definitely won't name them Skorpius if I do.
Anna, K would be about 27 now. She was living with an agoraphobic gent in NC last I heard. That was six years ago. Why do you say that that is too old? Old dog new tricks or what?
Dooh! Sorry JC. A lot of it was my fault. I feel like I have to give it a try or I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I'd rather be hurt now than wonder "what if" later. It's just a little scary. That's all.
Thanks Lock. That makes sense.
by Ezy at April 1, 2003 8:41 AM
It was just my lame stab @ humor. You know the old older guy/young chippie kind of thing.
by Anna at April 2, 2003 7:49 AM
Man, you'll hate me for this cause I will point it out as badly and with no manners at all. Well.
IT WON'T WORK.
It has nothing to do with WHO started behaving like shit or whatever. It is only obvious by 16 years of come and go. Your guilt has nothing to do with it either. You did stuff, she did stuff, blame her, blame you, its DONE. And because of that, the more you try with her through the years, the more there is to base another disaster.
Just an opinion of course.
(go out, find a woman, find 50 of them, one of them will be just right for you and FORGET about your ex.)
p.s. I really am not sure my advice is any good though, I do things I don't understand in my own life right now!
by necropethamenos at April 2, 2003 8:00 AM
I think we all do a little of that at times Necro. I don't hate ya either. I have kicked that argument around in my head for months now. I keep telling myself to stop beating a dead horse then I see her or talk to her and none of that matters anymore. Dude, I don't know what she has done to me but when I am dating other women I inadvertently measure them against her. I haven't found one that matches up yet. Well, Linz or maybe Anna before she became (m)Anna maybe but Linz lives in Atlanta and (m)Anna's married and a dude so.... ;) Maybe I haven't met the right one, granted, but it hasn't been for lack of trying and opportunities.
by Ezy at April 2, 2003 10:12 AM
Thanks man! *curtsy*
Ezy, seriously, there are tons of chicks out there that are just as cool as her AND that you haven't screwed over AND that haven't screwed you over. I know a bunch of them and I can't think that this is unique to Atlanta. The thing that worries me about this is that you (and about 5 other irksome people I know) do a really half-assed attempt at entering the dating world, have one bad or silly experience, or have a little more alone time then you wanted, and then think that there is nothing better than your whacked-ass recycled relationship.
But I am sort of a believer in fairy tales so if it really makes your soul soar to be with her, then don't listen to anyone. I follow my heart above reason every time, and I don't regret a bit of it.
by Linz at April 2, 2003 1:54 PM
That's, kind of, what I have been thinking. The fairy tale, damn this shit is actually gonna work vibe. I just think I'd really regret it later on if I didn't give it a shot. I'm a different person now than I was then. I have a lot to offer her now where as before I couldn't even keep myself straight much less manage a relationship. If things between us would ever work it would be now. This is, really, the only reason I'm entertaining the possibilities.
When I first got here I dated rather heavily but couldn't find anyone I wanted to have around more than on weekends. Hell, I'm still dating and have the same results. I think one problem, if you can call it that, is that I'm not willing to settle for less than what I want in a partner. I'd rather be alone than settle. That's a very difficult mix to find. I want a rock star that's loyal and loving. Haven't run across that one here except once and she had two kids. I found out I couldn't handle it and wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility. Off by a degree but she rocks.
By the way, you're welcome milady. Did you get the song I sent yet? It's in your bad sam e-mail.
by Ezy at April 2, 2003 3:06 PM
I feel yah bro! Good luck, and don't kill nobody. :)
by DUTCHWHISKEY at April 2, 2003 3:22 PM
Dutchy, you can be sure that I'll be calling you to cry and for you to make fun of my pain if this shit happens like last time. I'm taking all of my weapons to Dad's and having him stash them somewhere safe. Kiddin. Thanks for the support bro. Why don't you call a brother sometime?
Oh yea. You never answered my question in an earlier post. Can I crash at your pad in August during the Bad Sam convention? C'mon Jigga. We don't have to spoon.
by Ezy at April 2, 2003 3:45 PM
According to Mapquest, our towns are about 25 miles apart. We could spoon anytime. Not.
by Anna at April 2, 2003 6:26 PM
(m)Anna, you're gettin me all hot. You vixen.
We should have a drink (or 10) sometime though. That'd be cool. We could call it training for the Bad Sam convention in Aug.
by Ezy at April 3, 2003 9:27 AM
Ezy your story sounds sooooo sad, but don't worry I will spoon you anytime. Not!!!! I think that might be incest sorry about you luck.
by Melissa at April 3, 2003 6:10 PM
I believe in fairy tales. I could cry if I read a Frog and Toad book these days. You haven't stuck by each other through the thick and thin, not once, why bother with it now? Is it predominantly passionate love still, or unconditional?
by Lockheed at April 3, 2003 9:54 PM
Melissa, hey baby girl. I don't think we should be spooning. We're not in WVA grrrl. You trying to send me to therapy? Love ya sweetie. What are you guys doing this weekend?
Lock, the passionate and unconditional love are there for me. I can't speak for her though. I have to say that she stuck by me while I was running around on her and being an idiot. Listen, I know this isn't going to be easy and there are going to be a lot of hurdles to cross. I just think it could be so good if we allow it to be. I think we're on the same page now, at this point in our lives.
You've never had a girl that the rules you use, dealing with every other woman, don't apply to? That's the best way I can think to put it. She transcends the rules.
by Ezy at April 4, 2003 9:41 AM
Well i guess your right, but i am only 15 min from the border of WVA. Just kidding. Were not doing much this weekend just hanging out.
by Melissa at April 4, 2003 6:37 PM
Alright Ezy we'll do it. I note you don't usually include your email address, probably for the same reason I don't. So email me @ thisonegoes@aol.com and we'll make it a foursome. I think we'll have something to talk about,dude.
by Anna at April 4, 2003 8:15 PM
Sounds good Anna.
by Ezy at April 7, 2003 12:48 PM
The rules never seem to apply to that first love, do they? i think first love is the one chance we have to love someone else without all the baggage and hurt that comes with past relationships. it is almost like crack- even though you will never recapture that pure feeling of the first time, you'll keep on coming back for more until it ruins you.
The thing that concerns me in this relationship is that you had the "perfect" girl, yet you still felt compelled to go elsewhere. why was that? was it because steph wasn't fulfilling some need, because you were lonely or needed an ego boost, or were you just trying to get back at her for not loving you they way you obviously love her?
i hate to be harsh, but when she rebounds, you seem to love to bounce. no doubt she has you by the short ones. are you sure you aren't more to her than just safe, convenient, and reliable? i could be totally off base here, but if i'm not, you are just putting yourself first in line for more years of torment and self-flagellation.
i guess there is no point in us all pretending that you won't be getting back together, and maybe this time you will both be mature and committed enough to make it work. but to the realist (or cynic), it merely seems like a masochist crawling back to his master and begging her to hurt him just a little more.
by ThrowingMuses at April 8, 2003 4:16 PM
I think the reason I looked elsewhere was just young male stupidity. In the crown I hung with it was all about how many girls you could be with and not get caught. Sickening I know but that's what it was. I have also thought about the possible futility of this relationship. We're very different people who don't see eye to eye on many important issues. I think we may have grown too far apart to go back sometimes then we're together and it doesn't matter. I do seem to crawl back quite a bit but I've never looked at it like that. Maybe I should.
I just posted another page in our ongoing saga so all of this might be a moot point anyway.
by Ezy at April 8, 2003 4:37 PM
Dude i just saw this its very touching i hope i can get back with my ex her name is stephanine too. Well take a shot you got nothing to lose
by Bobby Nyczaj at March 9, 2004 9:47 PM
Bobby, the girl I wrote this about is long gone. Good luck with your ex though. I hope it goes better for you than mine did. I am happier now that she's gone though. I found the best woman I have ever met and she digs me. Go figure.
by Ezy at March 10, 2004 12:40 PM
wow, what a story@!
by dr love at October 2, 2005 9:59 PM