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anna

Some Assembly Required

by anna at 05:24 PM on March 29, 2003

I'm here with some sound practical advice for you single gals out there. In addition to handsome, suave, funny and well-hung, there is another quality to consider when seeking a mate: You need a man who is handy with tools and well-versed in couplings, plumb lines, flanges and such.

It's a cinch to determine whether or not he possesses these vital skills. Just throw some silverware in your disposal. Once it stops functioning, call him up and insist that he fix it right away. Don't give him time to visit one of those home improvement websites.

When he goes out for beer, rummage through his belongings. See if he has tools. At a bare minimum he should own a drill, a full set of screwdrivers/socket wrenches and a full complement of power saws. Don't be surprised to run across his stash of kinky porn.

Or else tear off your blouse when a tradesman visit your home to fix broken appliances. Offer up all your orifices to him. Give the sexual performance of your life, complete with multiple faked orgasms and anal action.

For chances are a guy who can fix your dishwasher is also adept at plumbing, electrical repairs and carpentry. And God knows you don't want to familiarize yourself with such mundane matters.

When I first got married and bought this dilapidated hovel, the only tool I knew how to use was a corkscrew. That changed in a hurry, as we were house-poor and things kept breaking down with alarming regularity. Through trial and error, I learned how to replace faucets and toilets, fix appliances and lay flooring. I've also hung drywall, wallpaper and crown moldings under the direction of my wife's ex, who is a jack-of-all-trades.

Yes, I am the household plumber, electrician, carpenter and handyman. The only time I've called The Guy was when our hot water heater went on the fritz. He expertly reached underneath it and moved the lever back to the "on" position. Turns out my then-toddler son had monkeyed with it. Total cost = $90. Never again, I swore.

So what qualities are you looking for in a man, woman or barely legal teen?

comments (7)

On the practical side I want a guy who knows his way under the hood of a car, cause I obviously don't want to spend more than I have to for auto parts and labor. I actually know basic house hold repair, since I am the eldest of three girls and thus was stuck with the role of dad's helper.

by Lucy at March 30, 2003 1:42 AM


Oh Lucy, when you said "knows his way under the hood of a car" you actually were referring to a real car.

PS: What I'm looking for in a guy is a vagina.

by mg at March 30, 2003 1:48 AM


Funny but for all my skills around the house, I couldn't change the oil if my life depended on it. Too damn messy.

by Anna at March 30, 2003 7:39 AM


MG's looking for a female->male tranny?

by Eviltom at March 30, 2003 9:09 AM


The email notification comments here generates reads, "A comment has been posted to Some Ass..." Heh-heh. For what it's worth, I always looked for long legs, a long neck and a good steady gait. Stubby girls who stagger are more trouble than they're worth.

by Anna at March 30, 2003 11:30 AM


Barely legal teens? What kind of website is this???

heh heh

by Linz at March 30, 2003 8:17 PM


I think it's more like "what is it that you DON'T look for in a woman".
Well she needs to :
a) NOT be stupid
b) NOT be under 55 kilos (65 is much better, yeah I'm a pervert)
c) NOT be extreme in ANY ways at all
d) NOT be dressing up for 2 hours every time she leaves home
e) NOT have very small boobs
f) ABSOLUTELY NOT shave (no I don't mean the legs)

Obviously there's more to it, but that's a good start :)

by necropethamenos at March 31, 2003 3:32 AM