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mg

sat down for a drink in her father's favourite chair

by mg at 07:33 AM on March 07, 2003

The recent rash (and I do mean rash) of reality programming has finally reached the critical mass required to move from being a genuine phenomenon to now become a societal faux pa the equivalent of whipping out a “Waaaaasup,” or “Where’s the beef?” in every day conversation.

While I can’t quite tell if this recent post on craigslist is for real, it doesn’t much matter since the quality of “in production” shows will surely make the dreck forced upon us by Married by America look like the Canterbury Tales. In order to cash in on the last days glory days of the Holy Reality TV Empire, I decided to devise a couple of my own show premises. I’m shopping them around to the networks as we speak and maybe next fall, as Bunim-Murray fiddle and the networks burn, you might be watching:

Joe Gonorrhea - Women are tempted into having sex with a millionaire underwear model, only to find out three months later that, while he is really a millionaire, he’s got a nasty case of the clap. No money will be awarded to the winner, but they will be in for a lifetime of painful pussie sores.

Who wants to marry a Mullah? - Women compete to be the 11th wife of Mullah Mohammad Omar, the former leader of the Taliban. The winner will be immediately to death stoned for appearing in public without a head covering, as will all the losing contestants, the women in the studio audience, and several viewers at home.

Queer Factor - Each week straight men compete for $50,000 by dating a homosexual man. Each round contestants must decide whether to reach the next “base.” But these aren’t straight bases, they are gay bases, which begin with some glory hole action, progress to anal beads, salad tossing. The final round each week will involve the winning contestant getting bukkaked by the Village People.

The Master Race - Representatives from every racial group compete head to head in challenges of strength, intelligence, and determination to find out which really is the “Master Race.” The losers each week are turned into collectible lampshades.

I’m a White Person, Get Me Out of Here - Blacks, Asians and Hispanics move into a suburban Connecticut neighborhood and all the white citizens must decide the exact right time to move away without looking like racists, but before the property values drop too much.

American Idle - Watch United States Marines sit around their bases in Saudi Arabia and Turkey, doing nothing and waiting for the U.N. to pass another resolution. This show will most likely be replaced after only a few weeks by Gulf War II.

Foster Failures - Orphans between the ages of 9 and 15, the group least likely to be adopted, are placed in "undesirable" foster homes. The inaugural season features families a family of nudists, some Mormons, and Paula Poundstone.

Temptation Mountain - Five unmarried couples are brought to an Appalachian resort to test and explore the strength of their relationships by being enticed by all their single relatives. Will the contestants stay with their significant others/sibling, or choose that two-toothed first cousin in the sexy overalls?

The Veal World - The true story of seven strangers, picked to live in a house to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start having sex with a baby cow.

comments (14)

About the "American Idle" part. Ummm would I be a complete asshole if I suggested THEY SHOULD remain seated on their asses forever? (and ever.) (and even some more). I realize you'll probably want to kill me for this (and that this discussion must've been made about 1000 times in here) but there's no real reason for them to remain idle there. I hope the UN DOES find a solution. Don't kick my ass for it :p

by necropethamenos at March 7, 2003 7:50 AM


Hmmm ok I read again my last comment and it does'nt make sense. What I meant was: Please go home. Pleeeease?

by necropethamenos at March 7, 2003 7:52 AM


Too funny. And two questions: 1 Will someone explain to me what salad-tossing entails? 2 Would I be stoned to death for appearing in public without a head covering?

by Anna at March 7, 2003 8:29 AM


No, except if you're reeally ugly.

by necropethamenos at March 7, 2003 8:38 AM


Wow, someone remembers Ned's Atomic Dustbin!! In these troubled times, we all need reminding of them, don'tcherknow.

Oh, the post? Er, I haven't read it yet. --Wait, there it goes. Funny funny stuff. Don't let any Fox executives read it though.

by Adam at March 7, 2003 9:34 AM


That is some funny shit! The only bummer is that you didn't mention my personal favorite as far as reality shows go:

Rough Enough - High-flying, head-locking young contestants endure the lumps and bumps of a 20-week WWE training schedule lead by head trainer, Al Snow. At the end of the season, the toughest of the tough is chosen to have rough sex with Robert Chambers.

by Eviltom at March 7, 2003 9:55 AM


MG you're killing me homey. That is some hilarious stuff. I, actually, laughed so loud, in my office, that my boss came in to see what was so funny. I let him read your post and he cracked the fuck up. I can now read Bad Sam, at work, minus the fear of being caught. Rock on man.

by Ezy at March 7, 2003 10:26 AM


I still don't understand why it's called "salad tossing".

by MrBlank at March 7, 2003 10:42 AM


I'm not exactly sure where the term salad tossing came from either. I think the act initially involved the use of salad dressing to cover up the taste. Or maybe it's because of the tongs. Who knows?

PS: Of course I remember Ned's. (do a search for them and the title of this post if you don't know what we're talking about. If you do, nice! This site is all about layers people, if you don't dig a little deeper, all you get is the hard pulpy shell instead of the yummy fleshy interior of this artichoke I like to call "Bad Samaritan.")

by mg at March 7, 2003 11:52 AM


I can play Grey Cell Green.

Artichokes?

Oh, good god, the Master Race followed by I'm a White Person, Get Me Out of Here...

I too was laughing at my desk, but apparently I do that so much that no one questions it anymore...

by Linz at March 7, 2003 3:20 PM


Dude, I wasn't kidding. What, exactly, does salad-tossing involve.

by Anna at March 7, 2003 6:50 PM


Professor Chris Rock taught me what salad tossing was: Apparently, prisoners make other prisoners lick their assholes. When asked "why not a blowjob?" a prisoner responded "well, when you're sucking a dick, you can close your eyes and pretend it's something else. But when you're eating ass...you know it's ass." He described the act as salad tossing, because some inmates used salad dressing and some used syrup--he preferred syrup.
And the word bukkake rules Such imagery...I need a shower.

by douchenation at March 7, 2003 8:23 PM


Oh. I've heard that some Oriental girls do that of their own accord. We used to call it zoo-der for the noise you make when it happens unexpectedly. Zoo-der!

by Anna at March 7, 2003 8:34 PM


*snerk* Ok, I laughed AND got an education. That was awesome, mg.

by skits at March 8, 2003 12:04 PM