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Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.
by ezy at 11:38 AM on March 12, 2003
Sorry I have been so quiet lately. I have been battling a nasty flu which left me temporarily incapacitated. It sucked and thank God it’s over.
That isn’t what I really wanted to tell you about though. I want to tell you about my blind date on Saturday. I met my buddy from work, his girlfriend, and her co-worker at a local grill/bar for drinks and dinner. Well, she didn’t ask me what I made in the first twenty minutes and was rather cute so I considered this a small victory. We ate, chatted, drank our drinks, and had some great conversation. I thought to myself “Damn. Have I finally found a normal person, in this bustling metropolis, that isn’t absorbed with material things and themselves?” The talk turned to music and she and I, again, were on the same page. “Son of a bitch! She may be the coolest person I’ve met here so far.” I found myself thinking again.
We decided to go catch a local band and continue our evening. We listened to some kick ass music, had more great conversation and drank a little more. We left there around two in the morning and went back to retrieve my car from the grill/bar. She and I got out and were saying what a good time we had when she asked me if I’d take her home. I told her it would be no problem at all. “Wooohaa, I’m gonna score” the devil in me announced. I didn’t know what a large contribution the devil would make to this evening before it was over. On the drive there she was leaned over the console and began kissing my neck. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
When we got to her apartment the first thing I noticed was an abundance of sculls and other macabre artifacts. She also had a bookcase filled with reading material on Wiccan rituals and THE Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey. I shit you not. She seemed to take my interest as positive and started explaining to me that she was a Satanist and had an affinity for the black arts. Oh shit! I don’t really care, so much, about what someone decides to worship but I will admit that this did startle me a bit. My buddy and his girl are agnostic and I have friends who are athiest which doesn’t bother me at all. They’re good peeps and it’s not like they work at the Satanic Church of D.C. I thought they may have just hit it off at work on terms other than those imposed by the Dark Lord. Seems I was wrong.
She, also, told me the story of her sometime on, sometime off husband. Husband! They were married in a Satanic ritual so it’s not like state sanctioned, but married is married. I’m a strange cat but even I have limits. I could just see taking her home to my religious, southern family. Over dinner, “So Amy, would you like to attend church with us on Sunday?” my father would ask. “Death to the Son of God and all of his weak minions!” she would scream. “The Dark One is coming to burn you all!” “Mmmhammhahaha.” (evil satanic laugh) Then her sometimes on, sometimes off husband would swoop in wearing high priest garb and sacrifice one of us.
Needless to say I bowed out gracefully and returned home. Come to find out, my friends, while they knew of her interest in the dark arts, didn’t know the extent of it. They damn sure didn’t know she had a significantly dark other. They apologized and I accepted. No harm done.
I swear. My friends are killing themselves laughing at my misfortune. I think I would much rather her have asked what I make, do, drive, the size of my Johnson, anything. I know, in an earlier post, I said I wanted someone off the beaten path but, fuck. I guess I should be careful what I wish for.
comments (64)
I meant skulls. Really.
by Ezy at March 12, 2003 12:02 PM
Unholy shit!!
Are you kidding??!
by Linz at March 12, 2003 12:13 PM
wow. so how exactly did you bow out gracefully? because really, it doesn't seem like she's the kind of girl you'd want to piss off. be afraid if black cats start stalking you, or your hair starts falling out, or a large wing-ed figure with blood-red eyes of fire haunts your dreams...
by JC at March 12, 2003 12:25 PM
Speaking of hair falling out, where's Goose?
by Lucy at March 12, 2003 12:40 PM
Linz, I wish I could tell you that I was kidding. This has to rank as one of the strangest things that has happened to me in a while.
To bow out I called a friend from her bathroom and had him call me back. I feigned an emergency and left quickly. Shady but effective. I'm not proud of it but felt I had no choice.
by Ezy at March 12, 2003 1:03 PM
You f'ed her before you left though, right?
by mg at March 12, 2003 1:22 PM
MG, you should've seen this place. It was damn spooky. The thought did cross my mind but there was just a bit too much wierdness going on. I had no idea of the whereabouts of her "husband" either. If she would have caught me about five years ago, maybe.
by Ezy at March 12, 2003 2:14 PM
Ah, Boo Bitches...so desparate for you to find them interesting. It's exactly that type of freedom of religion the drafters of the Constitution had in mind. Did she have black eye makeup or fishnet stockings or, the ultimate...black lipstick? I think I'm cofusing goth with satanism. "She's got a date at midnight/With Nosferatu/Oh, baby Lily Munster/Ain't got nothing on you." I LOVE goth chicks. I'll wear a black satin robe, I'll feast on the sacrificial goat--just crawl on top of me with that long, black hair and pasty-white flesh. MMMMMMMMMMMMhhh, you smell like burning leaves...every day is Halloween.
by douchenation at March 12, 2003 2:28 PM
I found a perfect Tee shirt for you darlin....
Crazy Mother 'f'ing Chick Magent
What are we gonna do with you, hey at least she didn't tie you up and make you drink her blood?
by bandwally at March 12, 2003 2:53 PM
oops sorry mistype-
Crazy Mother F'ing Chick Magnet!!!!
Sorry Mr Editor :P
by Bandwally at March 12, 2003 2:56 PM
Bandwally, I was afraid that is where things might have gone. Call me later so I can fill you in.
Douche, I had my Goth chick phase and enjoyed every minute of it. She wasn't dressed the part, at all, which is why I was, somewhat, taken aback by her apartment. Come to think of it, I may have gone through with the ritual if the "husband" wasn't lurking out there with Satan somewhere. Hell, I might have ended up on the news, in a bad way, for all I know.
by Ezy at March 12, 2003 3:11 PM
Those are the ones you have to watch out for. Any missing small personal items? Something from the car, perhaps? Feel like you're being watched? Yup, it's the quiet ones.
by quicksilver at March 12, 2003 3:34 PM
Damn, Quicksilver, now I am scared. I'm going to have to start wearing a cross and attending church. There goes my Saturday nights.
by Ezy at March 12, 2003 5:05 PM
You missed a major opportunity. By your own admission she was hot and personable but for the whole Satanism deal. And dude, in my expereince in your very town, Satan/Goth-chicks are easy. I mean, who do they have to answer to?
by Anna at March 12, 2003 6:45 PM
It's a good thing you got away. She sounds like definite trouble. A Goth Satanist is fine. But a normal-looking Satanist probably has a body in a cooler somewhere...
by jean at March 12, 2003 11:26 PM
Anna, they answer to Satan himself. As I said before, I probably would've gone through with it but I didn't want some big dude, dressed in black, wielding a ceremonial dagger to walk in while I was banging his "wife" doggie style over a candle lit alter. I'm not too sure whether Satanic marriages swing with people outside their little groups. If they do then I missed an opportunity. If not........
My thoughts exactly Jean.
by Ezy at March 13, 2003 9:42 AM
Maybe the husband would have joined in? Then you coculd have had that threesome I've always dreamed of you having.
by mg at March 13, 2003 9:48 AM
Cmon now, the threesome you really want is with Sigfreid and Roy.
by Eviltom at March 13, 2003 10:16 AM
Mmmmmmmmm. Tigers.
by Ezy at March 13, 2003 11:37 AM
Chicks like that will turn your pecker charcoal black. "They damn sure didn’t know she had a significantly dark other." I'm significantly olive...
Why do evil chicks have to be sooo hot. You made the right choice Ezy. I feel fairly confident that no fortune cookie is worth your soul. Not even Irene Jacob.
by Joseph at March 13, 2003 1:39 PM
Ezy, did you just say: Mmmm tigers? whoa. hoo- whah. Cheetahs in Pouncing position. ah, ah, oooh. And did you say, Misfortune? You found the perfect ladyfriend, and you cowered to the Masses' opinion? Satanists are harmless! Serious! They're playful and easy to talk too, much better and safer than Jewish/Christian/Hindu...etc women. Dude, CALL HER BACK AND GET ANOTHER DATE THIS WEEKEND. DON'T FUCK THIS UP. She's seems special, her place must've been neato! Did she have any porcelain dolls? I'm so happy for you, but I'll be so disappointed if you bow out, especially because it seemed you really had some Chemistry even before you went to her place, with SIN on your mind.
by LOCKHEED at March 13, 2003 6:48 PM
Ezy, that imagery was just too much for me. I'm going to bed now.
by Anna at March 13, 2003 8:53 PM
Argh! Satanism isn't exactly about Devil worship. It's using Christian precepts in a different manner, involving doing what you would. It's not torturing people or causing death or anything like that; I can tell you more about it when I dig out my notes, but it's not as scary as it sounds.
And no, I'm not a Satanist, I've just studied a bit about them (one of my electives).
by Jen at March 14, 2003 12:55 AM
I can see why you didn't want a relationship with her. But why not fuck her before you left? I mean I don't think she'd sacrifice you on the spot right after sex!
by necropethamenos at March 14, 2003 9:14 AM
Miss Satan of D.C. called my buddy's girl yesterday, told her what a great time she had, and wants to go out with me this weekend. I, don't get disappointed Lock, am going to spend the weekend with my family in PA so there's no way I can do it.
Jen, all I know about Satanists is from high school and that guy that abducted his daughter, from this area, raped her repeatedly and said it was part of his religious rituals. Convince me I won't end up on the 11 o'clock news as a human sacrifice and I'll entertain the idea of going out with her again. I might even get freaky on the alter ;-)
My bad Anna.
by Ezy at March 14, 2003 9:26 AM
Well she might abduct you and rape you repeatedly. I think you should offer yourself to satan right away...
by necropethamenos at March 14, 2003 9:56 AM
I could handle the rape part Necro. It's just the blood sacrifices, black masses, and prayer to Satan that wigs me out. This is the D.C. area man. Her "husband" could've been hiding in the apartment for all I know. People disappear here regularly.
by Ezy at March 14, 2003 11:36 AM
YOU'RE MY HERO.
by DUTCHWHISKEY at March 14, 2003 1:20 PM
Well what if you offer yourself to be sacrificed in YOUR place or in a neutral place the next time? (thus eliminating the "husband" factor).
And I also think the fact your friends know her and talk to her etc is a kind of guarantee you wont die (or whatever...)
by necropethamenos at March 14, 2003 2:23 PM
Dutchy, I'm going to have to call you and fill you in on the deal. You're going to die laughing.
Very logical Necro. I may have more to post on this subject after all.
by Ezy at March 14, 2003 2:53 PM
Well, I've always found the best way to make Martha Stewart scream twice is to fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the drapes.
by douchenation at March 14, 2003 3:28 PM
dude!
by Linz at March 14, 2003 4:50 PM
You could up the ante a bit and stick your dick in the mashed potatoes after soiling the drapes. I bet that'd get a reaction.
by Ezy at March 14, 2003 4:56 PM
Douche, the word insane somehow seems inadequate when it comes to you.
by Anna at March 14, 2003 7:02 PM
Man, Martha is sooo hot, and evil too. Is Ezy trying to tell us that he almost nailed Martha?
by Joseph at March 14, 2003 10:00 PM
Oh, even I done Martha. Or maybe I just batched in a duvet I bought at K-Mart. It's hard to keep those two things straight.
by mg at March 14, 2003 11:33 PM
"batched in a duvet"....that's sick MG.
Dude, it's Friday night. Why am I here?
I know this is completely off topic (sorry Ezy), but your site is superb. I just finished "The Hurt gets worse..." and I have to say MG, you guys (and chicks) are damn intimidating. I am but a grasshopper...AMF.
by Joseph at March 15, 2003 12:11 AM
You're here because you're married now and your life is over. No more looking forward to the weekend, since all that means is having to spend more time with the family. The better question is why I'm here making jokes about JOing into linens, instead of out there getting it on with some fine NY chickie? I'd even be happy if I were actually batching in a duvet instead of just writing about it.
You shouldn't be intimidated by anyone. If you start getting nervous, just imagine us all naked. Thats what I do, and I don't even get nervous.
AMF? Isn't that some bowling thing?
by mg at March 15, 2003 12:53 AM
Adios Mother F.....
by Joseph at March 15, 2003 9:43 AM
shit, i'd even fuck her. although i'm goth and part satanist. I find that were pretty damn kinky when it comes to having sex. so who cares if she has a husband i agree just take her to ur place. don't forget the whips,chains,handcuffs,blindfolds.and body chocolate.
by Kitty at April 17, 2003 1:27 PM
Kitty, I did eventually take her up on her offer and my disappointment has no bounds. I went in ready for some seriously kinky shit and I damn near had to beg her to get her in the doggie position. I even went out and bought some nice restraints and a few other accessories but after about 25 minutes with her I knew I had wasted my money. Well, I thought I had wasted it at the time until Sunday night happened. Woohaaa!!!
by Ezy at April 17, 2003 3:24 PM
i was gonna say if she wasn't good enough i could fill in for her.meow.lol
by Kitty at April 17, 2003 7:29 PM
Oh she definitely wasn't good enough. She wasn't even a decent lay much less an evil satanic one. I thought I may have hyped it up a bit much before hand, like the Star Wars movies, making it hard for her to live up to the expectations, but upon further reflection; she just sucks in bed. I do enjoy petting Kitties though. Goth Kitties especially. Yummy.
By the way, Sunday night wasn't her.
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 9:33 AM
ooooo...and hey now. lets try and keep it pg. ;).well good for u. i'm almost jelouse. so you like goth kitty's. welll then i can help u in the department. but i don't think u can handle this. i could put those toys in good use.
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 11:44 AM
I have a question. How can you be part satanist? What does that mean. Seriously.
Also, I'm leaving a key under my front door mat. You'll be there at what? Midnight? Are you bringing the black candles and skulls or should I stop on the way home?
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 12:16 PM
well i believe and kinda worship satan. my friends want me to join in there cult thing but i'm not sure i want to. i wish i could be there. shit that would be soo cool.
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 12:45 PM
What are your reservations for not joining the cult? Do you not want to take it that far or are your beliefs more personal than a group worship could accomodate?
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 1:02 PM
ya i just don't really want to go that far. i mean i love the guy and all but i don't really see a point of joing a cult.
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 1:30 PM
Well, you shouldn't have to. The only reason you should join anything is for yourself. Not for anyone else.
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 1:44 PM
exactly. so anyways.yea i think midnight sounds good for me. lol. i',m so bad. (evil laugh) i think i might concider joining the cult if i learn more about it. because right now i don't really know anything anout it. so i dunno. *muah*
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 1:56 PM
You are considering becoming a full time satanist, no? You should be somewhat bad if all of the stereotypes are correct right? The dark one is evil personified so shouldn't his followers be also? Hmmmmm. Something to think about.
Find out more about the cult before you join. You should never pursue any endeavor without educating yourself first.
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 2:18 PM
Sorry to butt in, but Ezy has a good point. Investigate it and decide for you, because you feel it... not because you feel pressure to do it "for love" ya know?
by Linz at April 18, 2003 2:41 PM
You gonna talk Satan with us Linz? Butt in? Looks like somebody needs a spanky. This is a comment string grrrrl. Dive in!
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 3:02 PM
ya . i'll talk to my friend on monday. my friend said i'd love it because it seems like me. evil she said. >:).
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 3:06 PM
Kitty, why would you classify yourself as evil? Bad or evil? Hell, I'm bad in most conventional senses but I don't think I'm evil.
Bad is having hot, wet, kinky, monkey sex with a stranger, on a whim, just because they turn you on physically. Evil is lighting household pets on fire and laughing as they streak across the yard like a comet.
Are you de-clawed ;-)
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 3:15 PM
Well I just think Kitty needs to join the get-spanked-by-Ezy cult. It's for her own good...
I'll leave you guys alone now. ; )
by Linz at April 18, 2003 3:18 PM
I would have to say I agree with you Linz. The spanked-by-Ezy cult is all the rage these days. My right palm is perpetually red but happy ;-)
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 3:35 PM
lol. sounds like fun. but we get to do more than spank.right??wel anyways. ok maybe i'm just bad. i could never do that to a pet or any animal. i like fire just not that much.
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 3:52 PM
Of course Kitty. After the spanky is a very involved ritual. It takes days to completely get you inducted into the Spanked-by-Ezy cult. There's also a a game of oiled up naked twister to play before you can become a full member. It's intense.
I'm glad to hear that you're just bad and not evil. Bad is ok. Evil is just....well....evil, ya know.
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 4:01 PM
what about the chocolate body cream where we lick it off each other?lol
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 4:07 PM
Gets kind of sticky. Oh hell. If we have to ;-)
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 4:26 PM
lol. no we don't have to.gees. stop teasing mme. god.i could like go out the door and fuck someone. prefferably u.
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 4:40 PM
Woah! Can we talk like that here? MG? Where the hell are you when I need rules clarified.
It's appreciated Kitty. I need to get out of work. I'll talk to you a bit later. 9pm or so. Key's under the mat ;-)
by Ezy at April 18, 2003 4:52 PM
i'm being good. well anyways. i have nothing to say.
by Kitty at April 18, 2003 7:16 PM