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Meet the French
by anna at 07:19 PM on March 25, 2003
Ah, the French. MG referred to our blind hatred them. He obviously isn’t alone in this sentiment. Just as clearly, it couldn’t possibly be quite that simple or as the French would say, facile.
Today we’ll be getting to know our new bitter enemies and hopefully gaining a better understanding of what makes them tick. But first, a little misguided stereotyping would seem in order: The French are a bunch of slovenly, wine-guzzling, snail-eating, promiscuous surrender monkeys with all the perseverance and tenacity of a candle in the midst of a tsunami. A French groom views the bridesmaids as his personal harem. French chicks are wanton sluts who don’t even bother to shave their underarms or legs. Even though they’re ugly as sin and smell worse, the French parade around their beaches buck naked with pendulous breasts and bellies lolling down to their knobby knees.
Or are they? According to their website, the French are 58.3 million strong. Of that population, 26 million hold down full-time jobs of which 19 million are salaried. True, they take twice as much vacation as Americans, but at least they report for work. That is, unless they’re too hung over from all that wine-guzzling, no? Wishful thinking, I’m afraid. French wine consumption is going down while Brits’ affinity for the grape is on the rise.
It’s indeed a fact that Frenchmen scarf snails, which most rightly find disgusting. But it turns out that escargot is a delicacy like pan-seared beagle in Korea. Since you can’t just pick up any old driveway slug, slather it in garlic butter and call it escargot, the average Pierre never gets (or has) to try what must be an acquired taste.
True, the French army hasn’t fared so well when they’ve tangled with their German neighbors. German soldiers’ jackboots invariably wind up pressed on their gullets, as other Krauts Roman Polanski them with bayonets. But if you go a little further back in history, you’ll see that they once mixed it up with England for 230 freaking years! Specifically, they soldiered on from 1336-1565. (Why it’s then called the Hundred Years’ War is anyone’s guess.) Folks, we’re talking six generations.
Moreover, contrary to popular beliefs, my research shows that 80% of French women use deodorant. A comparable percentage shave too. Turns out the French are like, fastidious or something.
According to this site, French wenches are quite flirtatious as well. Yet that doesn’t necessarily equate to promiscuity. In fact, most teases I’ve known don’t put out unless you slip them roofies. Or at least it takes longer to bed them as compared with their more reserved counterparts. It’s also true that they are unabashed when it comes to nudity. But if you’ve got it, hey, then flaunt it.
And as it turns out, many French men and women are quite the head-turners. Although I did find it odd that Mister France isn’t the muscle-bound beefcake his American counterpart is. Some of these guys look downright frail.
I’ve only known one French guy. His name was Phillip, a blonde, blue-eyed exchange student who looked like a frailer version of those studs in the link above. You could fracture his arm with your bare hands. Yet girls flocked to him while jealous guys wanted to kick his ass. I befriended him, figuring I’d snag some runoff action. Smug as ever, Phillip once said to me, “These American girls are such, how do you say... whores.” He hadn’t gotten so much as a French kiss in his homeland, let alone the slobbery blowjobs he enjoyed here.
This Romeo got more head from American gals than Ron Jeremy. And look how he showed his gratitude.
comments (21)
I don't know anything about the French. I flew over their airspace a few times, and maybe graced the border of Belgium or Luxembourg with them, but no comment, Anna. Unless the comment threads lure me in.
by LOCKHEED at March 25, 2003 8:13 PM
Hmm. How anti-climactic so far, anna. No comments. But I have to say: AMERICAN WOMEN HAVE WHORE-LIKE TENDENCIES AND ARE BEAUTIFUL TOO. I LOVE THEM ALL AND WILL PROTECT THEM ALL. THE TRULY AMERICAN. Non-semitic WOMEN.
by LOCKHEED at March 25, 2003 8:53 PM
SEMITIC JAP JEWS, NOT INCLUDED.
by LOCKHEED at March 25, 2003 8:54 PM
What's going on. I don't here air sirens on the upperwest side of Manhattan. And there's a JCC two blocks from me. Where is everyone.
....GO WHITE BOY GO WHITE BOY GO...
....Ice Ice baby...Deadly.... If there's a problem, YO I'll solve it... Now that the party is jumping, cooking MC's like a pound of bacon....
by LOCKHEED at March 25, 2003 9:03 PM
Making fun of the French? That's so two weeks ago (m)Anna.
Ah, Lockheed. After a string of really insightful comments, you are back to your old incomprehensible self. Let me guess, you've decided to go off your meds again?
by mg at March 25, 2003 9:44 PM
Hell, I don't know what a tsunami is, but the rest of that sentence sounds about right. From there, it's downhill. Except for snails- they're good-damn, good really.
by Tom at March 25, 2003 9:50 PM
I followed the 'French women' link. Don't French women have more than one hairstyle? All look same. That's it! There is a French conspiracy. All their women are clones. Hot clones.
by MrBlank at March 25, 2003 10:13 PM
Maybe he's back on his meds. A little baking soda, water, crystalline powder and a tiny torch perhaps. A tsunami is like a tidal wave, very bad thing. And yeah, I was struck by the same thing about the bevy o' French babes. I also noticed how they grouped all the ethnic chicks together @ the bottom.
by Anna at March 25, 2003 10:26 PM
Oh and Tom, I'm sorry this one didn't do it for you. But I do agree about escargot. We have a French place here that is real classy. On anniverseries and such we devour snails by the dozen. And yes, MG, the reference is a bit outdated. But still fun.
by Anna at March 25, 2003 10:32 PM
Just giving you a hard time. I probably shouldn't have said anything at all, considering my next post is going to be those commie bastards in Leningrad. Fucking Kruschev.
by mg at March 25, 2003 10:43 PM
Lockheed will be gone for a few days. Ain't gonna trade during this shit skirmish they call a war. A bunch of French dressed as Iraqis surrendering. And Anna, I like the gritty, non-sugar coated verse in your New posts as Who you Are. You are confident, and not insecure. You are a man. I fully support your posts as they get more and more RAW. Look forward to reading you next one sometime later.(if I could find a computer where I am going).
by LOCKHEED at March 25, 2003 11:32 PM
47billion dollars, sounds like a business plan to me.
Don't forget the French helped to free your sorry asses.
(bite me lockheed)
by Yeah ok at March 26, 2003 5:58 AM
Oh yeah, there was that little inconvenient fact. And the terrorist target Statue of Liberty and Lafayette designing the inhospitable streets of DC too. And thanks Lockheed.
by Anna at March 26, 2003 7:47 AM
TRIP ABORTED. The bonds just keep pulling me in.... gotta finish out the month is MOAB style. Who's YEAH? He said 'bite me'. YEAH, be careful what you wish for... what BIG TEETH I HAVE...
by LOCKHEED at March 26, 2003 3:50 PM
I was kind of wondering about Yeah ok too. What $47 billion? He can't be talking about the war, 'cuz that's projected to run twice that much. Tax cuts, maybe?
by Anna at March 26, 2003 6:13 PM
The French are nothing but snobby coward bastards that never know what to do. Half of them were nazis in Vichy France in WWII and the other half that weren't nazis, were cowards that surrendered before firing a single shot. And of course when the Allies liberated them everything was all peachy. By the way the French Foreign Legion did't join the war because they didn't know what side to take! This legacy goes back quite a ways. In the French Revolution they overthrew the monarchy and not knowing what to do and being french (don't cry if i don't capitalize it, it's hardly a country anyway) they eventually after beheading a whole bunch of people replaced the king with Napoleon, except as "Emperor". WOW. France did have some days of glory, but that hardly makes up for the numerous mistakes they have made.
by Burn3r at May 27, 2003 2:25 AM
jERK
by Patrick at December 21, 2005 10:28 PM
7t6tt
by No remorse at December 22, 2005 8:06 PM
7t6tt
by No remorse at December 22, 2005 8:06 PM
Lookin over Ebay.
French Rifle-Only dropped once!
by Clonereject1138 at December 23, 2005 11:47 AM
Burn3r and Clonereject1138, you two bastards wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for the French saving your asses in the American revolution so shut up. You Amercians didn't give a shit about France until your asses were bombed in Pearl Harbor, and you never had an enemy for a next door neighbor either. I'm sick of hearing American assholes who have no idea what true warfare is about spout out their ignorant garbage. My grandfather was in the resistance, and he never surrendered to anyone, you pricks. If I ever met any of you on the street, I would punch you both in your faces.
by Reliant33 at July 5, 2007 11:50 AM