I said I wanna touch the earth, I wanna break it in my hands

by osama at 07:48 AM on March 21, 2003

With all this talk about war with Iraq, I?ve noticed my name hasn't been getting bandied about nearly as much as it was a couple years ago. Now, I'm no egomaniac, unlike a certain "Mister-I-need-to-be-on-TV-everyday," but I'm sitting here wondering if you've all forgotten about me.

Remember me, Osama bin Laden? I've killed thousands of people? I bombed the U.S.S. Cole? I'm America's #1 Most Wanted criminal? I blew up the Twin Fucking Towers?

Two years ago my name was on everyone's lips, and today I can't even score an off-handed comment on the Rush Limbaugh show? Sheesh! When they say everyone gets fifteen minutes of fame in America, they really aren't kidding. The ways things are going, it looks like I'll have to pose naked in Playboy or do some lame B terrorist reality show just to get anybody to notice me at all. (I hear ABC is in production for I'm a terrorist: Hijack me out of here!)

What really bugs me is that I'm being preempted by Saddam "I've got more Twins than a Coors Light commercial" Hussein. I just don't understand what everyone's fascination is with that guy. Saddam as biggest threat to world peace is like Cindy Crawford being a supermodel. No one is quite sure how it happened, but no one remembers a time when it wasn't so.

I'm sure Hitler, Dick Nixon, Caligula, and the guy who thought you should play music in elevators are all sitting around together in hell laughing at all the people who think Saddam Hussein is true evil. When it comes down to it, Saddam is an absolute nobody compared to real tyrants.

He hasn't done a thing nearly bad enough to deserve all this attention. And, I should know what I'm talking about. You know what they say about people who live in glass houses not throwing Small Pox-headed Scud missiles? Well, I don't live in a glass house. I live in a cave.

In fact, just last night I was hanging around the cave with some friends and we were talking about Saddam. Between us, we couldn't think of a single thing he was guilty of that at least one of us wasn't guilty of ourselves. Drop people feet first into a plastic shredder? Done it. Raped a woman in front of her husband? Done it. Launch an unprovoked attack on Kuwait? Done it... well, gonna do it so maybe I shouldn't have mentioned anything about that.

Anyway. There is a reason why George and Tony couldn't get U.N. support for this "war." Because, like a sequel to Pluto Nash, people couldn?t care less about Saddam Hussein. You guys couldn't even get support from France, who, with the guaranteed victory in Iraq, could have brought their nation?s military average ever closer to that Mendoza Line.

Anyway, I just wanted to remind you all that I'm still here. I hate to be one of those kids in the back of class with my hand raised and all "Oh! Oh! Oh, pick me! Pick me!" But, you've seen the other way I have of getting attention. So, listen to me now, hear me later, and believe me never, I'm just asking for a spiteful word every now and then, an uranium tipped missile or two, and a little more irrational fear that'll I'll steal your children in the middle of the night.

I don't like being taken for granted, and you never know, you may turn around one day to look for me and find I'm off terrorizing China or something. You'll be sorry then, oh yes you will.