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anna

I Played Them All the Old Songs, Thought That's Why They Came

by anna at 07:28 PM on March 13, 2003

Lockheed requests a post about freedom fries and Hummers. Normally I wouldn't derive subject matter from suggestions, but this is a special case. First, I reserve a special place in my heart for this nut. Second, I'm fresh out of ideas.

Seems some congressman wants the Capitol Hill cafeteria to substitute "freedom fries" for "french fries" on its menu. He's also renamed "french toast" so it reads "freedom toast." This is part of a larger Franco-bashing trend that's sweeping the nation. A French-owned hotel in NYC has stopped flying the French flag. A boycott of their products is underway. Or not. I asked the manager of Total Wine about sales of French wine. He says traffic has been better than ever due to lower prices. So much for that.

It's gotten fashionable to denigrate the French as foppish, snooty ingrates who couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. Central to this premise is their woeful performance in WWII. Thus today's Frenchmen should be eternally grateful to us for bailing them out. This is the same pretzel logic that brought you the idea that today's white Americans should empty their wallets in penance for the sins of their slave-driving ancestors. It's a laughable notion at best; xenophobic and condescending @ worst.

Putting aside my question about why any private citizen would need a Humvee, I have to laugh whenever I see those commercials for the Hummer 2. Ad campaigns aren't slapped together overnight. Car companies agonize over which names will entice their target market. So why didn't anyone speak up and say, "Hey, hummer is slang for fellatio. We don't want our product associated with dick-sucking."

Speaking of which, I still remember a flap over a Law and Order script that had a cop using "Lewinsky" as a euphemism for "blowjob." Mr. Lewinsky got all fired up, saying they'd impugned his daughter's pristine reputation. He missed the point entirely. The proper slang isn't "Lewinsky," it's "Monica." As in, how's about a Monica? TV screenwriters live in such an insular world. They are way out-of-touch. Like me, they need to get out more.

And besides, what's the shame in giving a little head now and again? Studies show that even in middle school, gals dispense oral favors with little or no hesitation. In my own experience, only one girl I dated ever balked @ it. She relented after I slipped her some roofies.

Well Lockheed, that's the best I could do on such short notice.

comments (23)

Here's looking at you, kid. In such short notice to comment something cool, well here goes: I think the Posters of Badsam should retroactively give some of the advertisment money that just flows through to site(which is soon to come) to the commentors. It's akin to the Patricians and Plebeians, the Proletariat and the Bouergouise (sp), and on and on. Let's also have national chair day, and let all chairs sit on us. and all horses ride on us. Chairs of the world Unite. Um, the only thing I like about the Hummer commercials is that occasionaly computerized beepy-beepy sample that comes up. ON SAP,(silent) the letters say: distorted background music. It's funny. I'd love to work as an SAP for commercials. Totally manipulate the commercial for what it is. Especially the one dollar a day for a needy dark skinned or southeast asian kid.

by LOCKHEED at March 13, 2003 9:35 PM


I, like many Americans, have no love for the French. But, unlike most Americans who base their hatred on such illogical arguements as "We saved their asses in WWII, they owe us now!" (which makes about as much sense as saying the U.S. shouldn't dethrone Saddam just because the CIA once supported him), my hatred is based on certain facts. For example, did you hear that the French announced today that they wouldn't support any American resolution regarding Iraq. It doesn't matter what the resolution says, what the U.N. finds, or what Iraq does; the French won't support any resolution penned by America. How fucking stupid is that? What more sign do you need that their opposition to war has nothing to do with wanting peace, but with a selfish attempt to protect their lower than market value oil deals with a country supposedly cut off from all world trade.

Anyway, I think "Freedom Toast" is stupid. As is anyone who thinks not ordering french fries is making any kind of statement besides "I'm a moron." I mean, come on, who can resist that greasy, salty, potatoey goodness?

by mg at March 13, 2003 11:01 PM


I used to be cool with the idea of oral sex but lately I've come to think it's gross. I guess it doesn't matter since I don't have a boyfriend anyways. Does anyone else share my opinion?

by jean at March 13, 2003 11:16 PM


What exactly is gross about it? If I've got no problem imagining going down on you, why should you have any trouble going down on me?

by mg at March 13, 2003 11:38 PM


freedom fries? freedom toast? is this for real? during WWI, they started changing the "New Berlin"s of the US into "Libertyville"s, and coleslaw became patriot salad. and we're not even fighting the french here.. anyone else think we're over-reacting?

by leaffin at March 13, 2003 11:47 PM


speaking of oral sex, i've recently developed a phobia of semen. the stuff both weirds and grosses me out. maybe i should just become a lesbian.

by leaffin at March 13, 2003 11:50 PM


I hear the French are retaliating the "freedom food" business by boycotting american coca cola and supporting an islamic manufactured brand instead.

by Lucy at March 14, 2003 1:53 AM


Lucy, the whole idea of Frenchmen swilling Islamic cola is cracking me up. Hope you got your postcards. And Leaffin, your phobia might be well-grounded. As millions of AIDS sufferers have found out, semen is often a lethal poison. And no MG, I am not down with the French either. Screw their pompous asses.

by Anna at March 14, 2003 7:47 AM


Mg, it's interesting that you can point out the flaws of other countries' stances & yet think that OUR involvement with all this is innocent or noble or something.

Also, since when do you know all of France and think you can dislike an entire country? I sure as hell hope that when French people meet me they don't assume that my views are in alignment with our president. But that's just me, and YES, in answer to all, I DO try to see all sides of arguments. I just don't like killing. Kay? Kay.

Also, I would like to assert that I think giving & receiving oral sex is great... as long as both parties have a little finesse and respect each other. But I don't give it out freely, that shit's gotta be EARNED. (I most often wait til I get some before I give some... I will not date a guy that won't give it up.)

by Linz at March 14, 2003 9:04 AM


All us war mongers just love killing. Kay? Why just this morning I squashed a baby's head on the curb with my military boot. The brain splatter made a nice shape on the pavement that resembled Mr. Bush.

by MrBlank at March 14, 2003 9:33 AM


Whatever anyone think about UN+the french+iraq, "Freedom fries" sounds like a joke. What's worse ppl around the world get an argument to support the "americans are a joke" thesis.
And oral sex kicks ass. I mean you all love getting it why find it gross to get some?
And no, the US is not so innocent in the whole war business. I mean, US WILL cause some millions of deaths and WILL get a shitload of money in order to build iraq back after they've destroyed it.
I don't know what the truth is about the war, I'm not anti-american or whatever. It just seems suspicious. (or whatever the spelling for that is.)

by necropethamenos at March 14, 2003 9:43 AM


"why find it gross to GIVE some?" is what I meant...

by necropethamenos at March 14, 2003 9:44 AM


Misguided patriotism, France bashing and BJs all in one post is a beautiful thing. Rock on Anna!

Just for the record, oral sex rules whether giving or receiving as long as both parties understand, and practice, proper hygiene. Now there's a cause I can be passionate about.

by Ezy at March 14, 2003 11:30 AM


hooray for carpet munching! i don't know about the rest of you, but i LOVE fish tacos.
now wait a minute here...wasn't cunnilingus popularized by the french? i thought "french" kissing was a taste of what a guy was going to do downstairs later on...if that's true, i guess they have contributed something positive to the world.

by JC at March 14, 2003 12:29 PM


Well, so much for a Lockheed meltdown after finding out Anna was a Manna with a pink banana.
And car companies DON'T agonize over the names--that's the problem. When GM exported the Chevy Nova to Latin America, no one said "Um...excuse me, but 'no va' in Spanish means 'doesn't go'."
The Hummer H2 is an incredible vehicle but, unless you live on a ranch in Montana, what's the point? Maybe I'm just underestimating Park Avenue pot holes.
I remember that Law and Order. The only thing I could say to Monica's parents would be: "Your daughter sucked the most powerful cock on the face of the earth...people are bound to make fun of her. Grow Up."
As far as "freedom" food goes, of course it's stupid. Nevertheless, the goal of solidarity is a noble one. When football players are in the locker room preparing for a game, they're not yelling the other team's name. Hopefully most people aren't like me, because it would take three pots of coffe and a few hours of freebasing to get me excitied about a name change on the cafetaria menu.

by douchenation at March 14, 2003 2:59 PM


I think GM was trying to evoke the image of a celestial body. Or maybe they were trying to use it like Nova = Nueva = New. I dunno, I'm not a fan of car names. Anywho, in answer to your question Anna, no I haven't received any of the postcards yet.

by Lucy at March 14, 2003 3:09 PM


Be free to base, douche... I shalomed a jew on the 3 train today, just for good luck. Let's see how my weekend turns out. Um. There's no country called Onion is there? Freedom Rings? What am I thinking, there is absolutely no country called Onion. This weekend Lockheed will decide whether or not to bankrupt his jewish firm in one fell swoop. hheheheheheeheheheheh I lost everything I had...starting over from scratch.... (thanks douche)

by LOCKHEED at March 14, 2003 3:37 PM


Mr. Blank's blog just has pictures. He claims he wasn't real good @ the written format. He is lying. I 'bout fell out my chair when I read his comment. Oh sure, I'm drunk as usual but that has nothing to do with it.

In a totally unrelated matter, check out the author list under "staff." There is one Bad Samaritan who is quite hot in a punk kind of way, but....she has never posted anything. Not once. What's up w/ that?

by Anna at March 14, 2003 6:46 PM


pardon my freedom, but what a fucking cop out.

by capitalj at March 14, 2003 11:15 PM


YES! After a wild goose chase across cyberspace that has produced permanent music on my computer, I have located the mysterious non-posting Bad Samaritan, Rayanne. Check out her site: http://www.mscl..com/charweb/rayanne/home.htm.

by Anna at March 15, 2003 4:06 PM


I thought Rayanne was the chick from My So-Called Life.

by Linz at March 18, 2003 10:37 AM


Maybe she was. The Rayanne who (doesn't) write here was linked to a My So-Called Life ring or something. My point is only that she should post @ least once. Zero is such a lonely number.

by Anna at March 18, 2003 6:21 PM


Zero rocks, because it beats my sad number of posts and makes it look good...

MG: Well, for one, even if you did go down on me, you probably wouldn't be very good, because as far as I (ahem) know about the matter, nobody seems to be particularly good at it. So I'd be happy doing without. Secondly, people don't generally make it a point to shower before sex. So there is the question of hygiene. Both in terms of giving oral sex and in terms of locking lips with someone you're getting it from. Ew, I'm wincing just thinking about it.

by jean at March 19, 2003 2:35 AM