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anna

Heroes Are Hard to Find

by anna at 02:55 PM on March 22, 2003

So I’m cowering in my bunker with eyes glued to CNN. General Tommy Franks is matter-of-factly discussing the ongoing carnage in Iraq. I hark back to 1991, when Colin Powell played that role with much aplomb. Powell inspired awe whereas Franks seems merely...competent. Maybe it’s because he calls himself Tommy.

I’m safe as sex with a used condom down here. Spring is here at last. All is calm on the home front. The war appears to be going swimmingly. I should be happy but I’m not. I feel disillusioned and I’ll tell you why: I crave new heroes. As an aspiring standup comic, I used to idolize Richard Pryor. Then he got hooked on coke, made a series of awful movies with Gene Wilder and caught on fire. Now he’s a pathetic shell of his former vibrant self, inexorably wasting away.

In sports, I admired Mohammed Ali. He combined smarts, agility and deceptive punching power to dominate opponents. He also showed the courage of his pacifist beliefs in giving up the best years of his career. But just look at him now. His buff daughter could kick his ass.

I also admired plucky Swiss tennis phenom Martina Hingis. When she first burst upon the scene, she bad-mouthed tennis legends from Steffi Graf to Monica Seles. She then proceeded to back it up on-court, ruthlessly driving both into early retirement. She did so while maintaining her aura of femininity, unlike many of her homely, muscle-bound rivals. Now she’s poised to retire herself at the ripe old age of 24.

In music, I looked up to Bob Dylan. Despite his mediocre singing voice, he became the poet laureate for an entire generation. Though recorded in 1966, Like a Rolling Stone still resonates today. Since then, Bob’s gone through a painful and messy divorce, almost died and has been reduced to a nonstop world tour of small venues. His son Jakob has garnered more fame as leader of the Wallflowers.

On the world stage, I dug Slobodan Milosevic. Even as bombs pummeled his country, he remained defiant. He openly mocked Bubba Clinton’s sissified approach to the War Over Kosovo, daring his nemesis to fight like a man. Slobo Dan lost the war, got snatched from his homeland and is currently defending himself in a mock trial at the World Court. His ordeal is widely expected to last forever.

Nelson Mandela spent most of his life in prison, got out and almost single-handedly abolished apartheid. Then he launched a cruel vendetta against his own wife Winnie, whom he threw in jail. Most men would been making up for lost time, slathering her with pearl necklaces 24-7. One must wonder if he got turned around while incarcerated.

While I disagreed with his politics, few would deny that Ronald Reagan was a captivating orator. Now his wife Nancy is thinking for two. He’s got an airport, a battleship and a Federal office complex named after him though he’s not even dead yet. There’s something pitiful about that.

Problem is that in today’s topsy-turvy world, celebrity has supplanted heroism. Charisma gets mistaken for valor. Peons ooh and ah over actors and actresses even though they are all self-absorbed, unpatriotic hedonists with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Tomorrow you’ll see them backslapping in all their finery at the fucking Oscar extravaganza. In a nod to USA vs. Iraq, they’ve forgone the red carpet that is traditionally spread before them on Hollywood Boulevard. Some will don “peace pins.” Among the preening peaceniks will be gasbag Alec Baldwin, who promised to flee this great nation if George W. Bush ever won the election from hell. I stand prepared to purchase him a one-way ticket to his beloved Baghdad. If you're out there Alec, my Visa # is 4321 6662 6969.

Skeptics need only consider that in ‘97, Princess Diana and Mother Teresa bought it the same week. Whose funeral drew the most intense media attention?

So help me out. Name a single living or freshly deceased person worthy of hero worship. Or for that matter, a true antihero alive today. A Patrick Bateman for the new millennium, that's what we need.

comments (20)

Let's see, I'd say the Qusay Hussein (Saddam's son), is pretty evil. He allegedly dropped opponents into plastic shredders, feet first so they'd be alive for most of the way, while forcing their familes to watch. [link] I'm not sure how much more evil you could get without being a James Bond villian. Qusay is also in charge of the Iraqi Olympic team and supposedly killed at one of the athletes because he returned home without a medal.

As for truly good, uhm. err. ahh. I can't think of any.

by mg at March 22, 2003 3:54 PM


I gotta admit for a fondness for Bill Hicks, although the freshness dating on his death is a bit past your deadline. Living people wise, I know non-famous people who are kicking my ass with their courage and dedication, but I don't know that they'd serve well as objects of worship...these are real people who curse and fuck and make mistakes. I like them, though.

by Ezrael at March 22, 2003 4:08 PM


Ezrael, I didn't really set a deadline. Like, 9/11 firefighters might qualify. But who is Bill Hicks? What did he do? Agree about the everyday people, I know many too. MG, that was a pretty harrowing link. I've also read that some lady complained about her husband being detained by Saddam's henchmen. They assured her he'd be home the next day. Which he was, sliced/diced in a body bag and delivered via overnight mail. I can't wait till they remove that piece of shit from the gene pool.

by Anna at March 22, 2003 4:48 PM


http://www.billhicks.com/main/darktimes/other/darktimes20/words/relentless.html is a good place to get to know Mr. Hicks. He was a comedian, which gave him license to be profane, outraged, and often funny as hell, and sometimes a bit more preachy than he needed to be. The main site at http://www.billhicks.com/main/ has links to his albums and stuff if you're interested...he was kind of like what you'd get if Terrance McKenna, Jesus and Lenny Bruce had a three way and somehow had a kid.

by Ezrael at March 22, 2003 6:17 PM


Ok, I've checked out Hicks. He definately qualifies. Now who else? There are 18 of y'all here per MG's user-meter. Let's have a little audience participation. It's free.

by Anna at March 22, 2003 8:02 PM


My all-time hero is definitely Ike Turner. My runner up would be George Washington, the father of our country.

by Eviltom at March 22, 2003 11:10 PM


HERO: Arthur Blank for this or especially this. He does what he says he's going to and he's made me a fan of a consistently winning football team for the first time since 1974 when I started watching them. Anyone who can do what he's done in ONE season with the Falcons is a hero in my book. Stay tuned...Mike Vick might be next on the list.

by Tom at March 23, 2003 8:48 AM


oops here's that second link: click me

by Tom at March 23, 2003 8:50 AM


Antihero: Whoever that asshole was that rolled a grenade into his fellow soldiers' tent in Kuwait. I believe that is known as treason.

by Andrew at March 23, 2003 9:49 AM


Not very good treason either, I mean who commits treason with only one grenade?... I bet he was french...

by LostSoul at March 23, 2003 6:27 PM


hicks. is. god.

by undertoad at March 23, 2003 7:09 PM


LostSoul, you and MG are going to love my next post on the French. As for Michael Vick, I've seen him play. Not sure he's human so we'll disqualify him.

by Anna at March 23, 2003 8:48 PM


Yeah. Where is GARY CONDIT these days? I really struggled to figure out what his name was, even though it was utterly burned into one of my neurons about two, or one year ago? When was that Circus? Same as it ever was... then a twister comes, here comes the twister... Um, ANNA, that's a little fucked up that you actually know the character's name in American Psycho. but that character was just a dick, not even an anti-hero. We need the timeless Holden Caulfield to sit on the Next MOAB, but of course he has to watch his baby sister ride the Carousel in the Central Park, I do believe that will be opening soon, I like to listen to the carousel music in the lazy heat with the smell of cotton candy. I was going to throw a nerf football at a puppetteers' head the other day near the The Pond, (southeast portion of Central Park), while she was making some Puppet orchestrate to Tchaikovsky, while a brothel of little boys and girls sat cross legged surrounding her, it would have been funny, but I would have only done it if DOUCHE was with me with the video camera.

by LOckHeEd at March 24, 2003 6:58 PM


UNDERTOAD is an AWESOME name.

by doublepslock at March 24, 2003 7:34 PM


Yeah it is. Regular readers know I obsess over screen names. Here's my ranking: 1) Douchenation 2) ElongatedBeaver 3) Undertoad. 4) doublepslock. 5) Jen, just because of the racy stuff she says that belies her generic name. And 'Heed, I only recall that character's name because Douche mentioned it in a comment. Still, an awesome flick it was. Stay tuned for my opus on the French.

by Anna at March 24, 2003 8:09 PM


Wow, you are previewing your posts? (Multiple times, for that matter.) That opus on the French better be good!

by Eviltom at March 24, 2003 10:39 PM


Jerome, JJJJERRROME... put on that Bobby Womack.... no way back Teddy Pendergrass..... way back... check this out.... .... That' better be GOOD the awaited FRENCH POST BY ANNA.

...I must be sick because I'm currently more concerned about downloading INFORMER by SNOW right now, more concerned about it than anything else, and YESS!!!! COMplete download.

by LOCKHEED at March 24, 2003 11:24 PM


It may not be that good, but it's free. And to tell you the truth, I really don't know what an "opus" is. Maybe some kind of infection.

by Anna at March 25, 2003 7:40 AM


haha, how bout Bill Cosby. j-e-l-l-o...

by Blitzkrieg at March 26, 2003 2:39 PM


haha, how bout Bill Cosby. j-e-l-l-o...

by Blitzkrieg at March 26, 2003 2:39 PM