Three Cups of Coffee and I Can't Clear My Head

by anna at 11:38 AM on January 01, 2003

Was feeling pretty chipper until I checked my email. Therein found a missive about "my account" from some shadowy online casino. It's all coming back to me albeit in bits and pieces. Bottom line is I must deal with this nightmare, just not now. Hence this post.

Among the gifts my beloved received this year was a female chinchilla. It wasn't easy to find one since breeders tend to hold them in reserve, but we now have a breeding pair.

So I'll be tendering my two weeks notice. Yes indeed, we're going to become full-time chinchilla ranchers. We hope to entice fur merchants with offers of bulk discounts, and to tap into the burgeoning market for chinchillas as pets. Hopefully it will pan out better than that emu debacle.

Chinchillas are vulnerable to drafts, so we're going to keep them in our hermetically sealed bedroom.

Downside #1: These overgrown rodents are nocturnal creatures. Come sundown, they're bursting with energy. And while it's one thing to be awakened prematurely by one running maniacally on its squeeky exercise wheel, I'd imagine it's another entirely to be kept up nights by a herd of them.... fornicating. Hear their muted cries of ecstasy as they reach the big O and then switch partners. Think the Playboy Mansion only on an incestuous rodent scale. Eek.

Downside #2: We fully anticipate guff from PETA operatives once they get wind of this operation. Perhaps they'll confront us as they did supermodel Gisele. Or else they'll stage a chinchilla liberation as they did with minks in Manchester, England. Within a month the entire population of a rare species of river vole had been decimated.

Downside #3: The possibility of a surprise visit from Richard Gere can't be discounted either. Although he's repeatedly denied having an affinity for our furry friends, ugly rumors persist.

Which is why I might be moving to Montana soon; raise me up a crop of dental floss. Or at least that was my original plan, until tragedy struck. We'd been pleasantly surprised with the newest addition to our menagerie, which currently includes three fish tanks, a gerbil, a parrot, a parakeet, an iguana, three toads, two dogs, two cats, untold ants and of course Mr. Chilla. Who was simply delighted when we introduced him to his bride-to-be. You see, Ms. Chilla proved to be far more docile and cuddly than the original. Which, as it turned out, was because she was in the process of dying. Within a matter of days she lay lifeless with the lascivious Mr. Chilla still ogling her.

So I contact the pet shop, and was told that---lo and behold--- they had another female on hand. I scurry twenty miles across town with a cadaver stinking up my ride, only to find myself examining chinchilla genitalia with a tiny ruler. Alas, 'twas a commonpace male. Hence it could be weeks before we can get the whole rodent ranching deal off the ground.

Man, if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck @ all.