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The Worst Date EVER ...
by effenheimer at 03:01 PM on January 28, 2003
Since MG is busy whoring, I thought I better fill in with some bits of whimsy. Especially since I am busy trying to write a column and can't seem to muster anything up. I need to get my engine revving. Like a crappy car, I can't squeal my tires witout red-lining the engine first.
I appreciate what Linz had to say about dating. I myself have been so out of the dating game that I don't think I was ever in it to be honest.
I did have the worst date ever last October when I was on hiatus from BS. So I will show you mine, then you can show me your ... WORST DATE EVER! It'll be FUN? Not shooting horse with William S. Burroughs fun, obviously, but grandma's birthday party fun nonetheless.
As you may or may not know, I am a reporter/columnist at the daily nonpareil in council bluffs iowa. In a small city like mine, it doesn't take much to be the biggest celebrity in town. So I am not bragging when I say I honestly can't think of anyone in this town besides the mayor who is better known than I am. It is necessary to tell you these things only because I occasionally draw freaks because of this and I don't want you wondering why that is.
So this chick, we'll call her Mary, ran for school board recently in Council Bluffs. She lost, but I had occasion to run into professionally on more than one occasion. We had a professional lunch one day, I would see her out and she would look at me all impressed and wide eyed like I was the kind of guy who could not only make a difference in our city, but could bring her to edge of ecstasy with little to no effort. And I could, believe me. I know what the ladies like, I can take my time and figure things out and I don't get mine til you get yours, trust me, I'm a gentleman.
Then one day when I saw her out and about we realize we graduated from HS the same year, she starts telling me about her divorce and suggests that we might go out and have fun sometime (while making this weirdass pot smoking, pinched finger sign). Whatever, it was like making a date with a narc.
Now, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to put 2 and 2 together and one of the things I have been looking forward to most about getting older is divorcees. Right about now, all the women my age who married jackasses are getting divorced and looking to have some fun. They are just now cruising into their sexual peak, they have been broken in like a fine riding horse and they are fully prepared to get involved with a stud like me with NO STRINGS ATTACHED 'cause I don't want ANY STRINGS BABY.
So Mary seems decent enough, plus I heard rumors she was wild in high school. Combine that with her recently divorced status and that is some love that will melt your face, Slappy!
We emailed a few times, talked on the phone, made our plans. And she starts to get slowly more and more worked up. I was honest. I told her I wanted one thing and I wanted that in the red hot monkey variety. I didn't want to stay over unless i passed out from blood loss, I didn't want to take her kids to Chuck E. Cheese or go for long walks on the shores of Lake Manawa. Frankly, I didn't want to have to spend a lot of money on anything but tequila and condoms either, but i was willing to spring for a burger.
Well, apparently, her idea of "FUN" involved at least one date. I figured that was the least I could do so I suggest we go to the drive-in (we have one of those here, it's pretty cool) and its fun to get mess around in a car in public. She seems to like that suggestion.
So there I was on a Friday writing my nards off. I got up at 5 am and couldnt sleep so I wrote my Saturday column and a 15-inch story by 7 am then went and interviewed some tweeker skel out to the county jail who got kicked in the mouth by a woman when he tried to break into her car to steal whatever he could find to buy his meth, then home for a quick nap, then off to cover a parade for two hours (I hate parades), then back to the office to write up the parade and write up the story about the woman who kicked the tweeker in the mouth because THAT was going on page one, above the fold the next day.
I was beat. I got the diabetes, I wasn't in the mood for a date and the later it got the harder it was to write. It was especially hard with "MARY" calling me every 20 minutes cause she was all excited about our big date, which is another thing I thought i could avoid by "dating" a 35 year old divorcee.
I pick her up around 8:30, she's had a couple of drinks because she is just so nervous about going to see a movie in my hyundai that she needed some nerve tonic – enough to make her puke twice. I think it rather odd she would tell me this, but then she told me so many odd things like "I'm on my rag" and "mind if I spit, i have a mouth full of phlegm" and "I can't believe we missed "sweet home alabama."
I stop to get cash and she starts fucking with my radio. That is a big no-no. You don't like the music, then the least you can do is say something about it while I am in the car, you don't wait until i step out to get the cash to pay for this little excurison and then tune my radio to the 80s station. We graduated in 1986, see so I have to put up with this, werent the 80s great? and don't you just love the 80s? this is our generations music! Sorry dumbass, but I didnt shut my brain off in 1989 especially when it comes to music so I actually don't like "we built this city on rock and roll" enough to listen to it with glee when i was chillin with the deep grooves of Morphnine you freak.
Come to find our she's on Prozac and drinking while on prozac is a really bad idea, not just a kind of bad idea, but a REALLY FREAKIN BAD IDEA since almost everyone I know whose had a few, especially over a long period of time like several hours or all day, has gone nuts... as did MARY.
Mary wouldnt shut up for two seconds, she was totally manic, I had to buy her a burrito just to keep her from talking and even that didnt work. She was chain smoking like Micky Rourke at the Marlboro factory tour and because I have a new car, I insisted we smoke outside the car. I won't even let my father smoke in my car and I LIKE him.
"Why won't you talk to me, i thought we were supposed to be getting to know each other, tell me something about you I don't know." and other questions that piss me off rolled off her foul tonge at the rate of one per minute for 2 hours. Have you ever sat in a car with someone for two hours who is certain that you are a man of mystery and that you are consciously hiding something you should be able to tell them at their request? Well its not fun. It feels like being mindfucked and if there is one thing I don't like is mindfucking.
Then she starts bitching about her ex-husband - he did this, he did that... i dont care! - and what is jackie chan talking about and I don't get this damn movie, I can't believe we missed sweet home alabama for the 20th time and why can't i smoke in you car, i can't belive you've had this car for three months and you still havent smoked in it, you make me nervous.
I make YOU nervous. Well as soon as the credits rolled on Jackie Chan's latest piece of crap, I said, baby, I'm tired, maybe we should do this some either time. Well that kicked the old prozac and budweiser into overdrive. i must have run every yellow light for 15 miles. "God forbid you stop at a red light so we can talk!" yes, god forbid.
"Jesus Christ," I said.
"Don't say that, my ex-husband used to say that."
"Well lot's of people do, it is a common expression of frustration."
"What's that supposed to mean."
I hit the gas and do about 50 all the way up the main drag until we get to her corner.
"Mind if I drop you off here." Three feet from your house.
"Don't even joke about that, my ex-husband used to kick me out the car and make me walk all the way across town."
Good thing youre not one of those BITTER divorcees. Used to hit her as well, imagine that. Can't say as I'd blame him if she acted like this for 13 years with me, i am pretty sure I'd hit her too eventually and i don't have an abusive bone in my body.
I drop her off and just as she's slamming my door, she comes up with this corker that is supposed to hurt my feelings. She says all snotty like: "Thanks for the burrito!"
I laughed my ass off as I drove away, safe, but for how long.
I sent her one email after that in response to one of her 10,000 asking me for another chance. The following monday i said "its no problem, it didn't work out, cest la vie. Let's just keep it professional. I have enough chaos in my life."
Well, that was the wrong thing to say obviously since it would have been too easy for her to accept keeping things professional and "no hard feelings," but she wants to know WHAT I MEAN BY CHAOS?
BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK I MEAN BY CHAOS? I must have gotten an email once every three minutes for the next week. I was on a local radio show to talk about the Huskers and she calls in AND has her mom call in. She threatens to come by my office and "embarrass me" in front of my coworkers as if everyone I work with doesn't know everything already... yeah right, with material like this, you think I'm gonna keep it to myself?
Well it calmed down about three weeks ago and remember, this date was in OCTOBER, but i still suspect that one of these days i will run into her while she is running for school board or standing outside the human services building holding up a sign about how her ex husband isnt paying child support (again) and it will be kind of, you know, awkward.
Now I suppose someone out there has been date raped or got into a car accident or been abducted by aliens and YES those would be worse situations, but I am curious to know if anyone has had a worse date within the normal parameters of a date type situation?
comments (27)
No way man, I don't have anything that compares to that. Shesh, what a nut case.
by sydney at January 28, 2003 3:12 PM
i edited this thin about 5 times. i kept forgetting little things that really put the horror into sharp relief.
by eff at January 28, 2003 3:28 PM
Sweet jesus! Uhm... aside from the fact that all the guys I've met through Nerve seemed to be gay, I don't really have any bad stories.
Wow. At first I saw this, and I was like, christ, what a fucking epic, are you kidding?! But I must confess, every horrifying, riveting second flew by. And my (also clueless on dating) heart goes out to you.
by Linz at January 28, 2003 4:22 PM
The time my Rolling Stones concert date unglued our lips just long enough to vomit in my car and then continued as if nothing untoward had happened doesn't begin to compare.
by Anna at January 28, 2003 5:05 PM
as into the nookie as I was, i didnt even hold this woman's hand let alone think about kissing her and beyond. Sometimes i wonder if it is just me or if this really was a hideous date. I'm not trying to win any awards here or anything but damn. This is the third woman I've dated this year and as bad as THOSE two were, this one made them look like marryin' material, I KID YOU NOT.
Still, sometimes at night when i get lonely I think, all it would really take is one phone call and I could be IN SOME SKIN in about an hour. That is the one thing that sucks most about being a man. I hate being led around by my johnson. Thank god for a strong right hand and canola oil! There's an attitude adjustment I can live with!
by eff at January 28, 2003 5:30 PM
Man, I thought I had it bad with the last girl I dated. At least she stopped the e-mail after about 3 weeks (well, frequency lessened anyway from 15 a day to 10) Finally ended after about 4 weeks total. That is 4 weeks after I said enough.
She was of the bitter ex variety too... He used to do this, he used to do that etc... when "he" had been gone for 3 years...
Yeah, those types don't like to be told they might not be "normal". I stayed away from that subject when I realized that every second e-mail contained some form of "I'm not crazy" when the subject of sanity had not come up.
She doth protest too much and all that.
Nice line by the way, I have enough chaos in my life.... I'm gonna have to remember that one.
Thanks for sharing. Made my day.
by ChuckWoolery at January 28, 2003 11:31 PM
EFF, I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune but damn. That was some histerical reading. I don't think I can compare in excitement compressed in to a short amount of time but I have had this girl stalking me for 14 years. Becca C. She has been dubbed Chewbecca, in honor of everyone's favorite Wookie, by my friends due to the amount of hair she has on various parts of her body. I think that's a bit mean but who am I? I was drunk and it was late at my high school grad party so I ended up hooking up with someone I shouldn't have. Over the past 14 years she has tracked me down in Bosnia, Haiti, Utah, Wisconsin and now she's calling me here in D.C. I've told her countless times that it's never gonna happen but she has selective hearing. I can't even answer my home phone because we don't have caller ID. I did find out how she gets my numbers though. My Dad. He's such a schmooze that he's being talked out of my contact info. before he realizes it. My own family is my security leak. That sucks. I do have enough chaos in my life.
by EZY at January 29, 2003 10:22 AM
Hysterical I mean. I can spell. Really.
by EZY at January 29, 2003 10:48 AM
Hey! That is SOOO not nice, what you said about me! We need to talk. I'll call you tonight.
by Becca C. at January 29, 2003 11:35 AM
See what I mean. She's around every corner. I guess there's always Tibet.
by EZY at January 29, 2003 11:55 AM
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER!!
Here I am talking about how i think its all cool when guess who calls? "MARY". she called my paper and wants a copy of every single column I've ever written. That's about 157 columns.
The dumb fucking receptionist took the call and told her it would be next to impossible and that she would have to go through every single paper, but she might try asking me. This made psycho's day, i'm sure, because in her world it suddenly became OK to call me directly because someone else suggested it.
So she leaves me this message, luckily I was out of the office: Hi this is "MARY BLANK" I hope you are doing OK. I was talking to someone else about getting a copy of all of your columns and she said I should talk to you. I know this will probably take quite a bit of time but I would really appreciate it. My address is in the phone book. Hope you are doing well. BYE_EE"
Fucking psycho. The receptionsist was all like "gee, she sounded nice." REALLY? DUMBASS? And pray tell what does a well-heeled psycho sound like? You don't get far stalking people if you are OBVIOUSLY CRAZY!
This is so typical for me. No one likes me who is sane. i only get nutjobs who think they have a right to suck at my soul like fucking vampire bitches from Bitchsylvania. I'm this close to getting a restraining order and a shotgun for home defense.
by eff at January 29, 2003 6:30 PM
14 YEARS? that is fucked up, my friend. I don't take kindly to freaks and I know I couldnt put up with that shit for even a year. I won't put up with it here. I am just glad this freak doesn't know where I live.
by eff at January 29, 2003 6:37 PM
Ah, stalkers. Back from college for summer, hook up with haircut girl. Bad move. This chick was one of those who conjers up all manner of plausible lies to suck you back into her calamitous life. The damsel in distress who calls all frantic in the middle of the night. You're horny and one thing leads to another. Summer over, flee 300 miles back to school. Guess who's my new neighbor there? And who went so far as to fake a pregnancy? Must learn to steer clear of possessive people.
by Andy at January 29, 2003 7:17 PM
First word of advice, Andy, is not to fuck people who are obsessed with you. If you knowingly do this, you might be demonstrating a need to learn the hard way.
by Linz at January 30, 2003 9:14 AM
Damn EFF. What in the hell could she possibly want with all of your columns? Maybe she is trying to get inside your head through your writing style to win you over? I'd have to say a disappearance is almost in order.
Yes my man. 14 years. Every time I move it takes her all of a couple of weeks to start calling my new number. It's my own fault for not being an ass to her and hurting her feelings enough to stop this madness. I just really like and respect her Dad. He's a great person and I visit him, almost, every time I go home. He wants to see me marry his little girl even though I tell him I have other aspirations. They're, also, extremely close and it would hurt him if I hurt her. I'm trying to wait her out but that's not working at all. I'm just screwed.
Andy, RUN!!!!!!!!! And it might be a good idea to find a fuck buddy that isn't a psycho.
by EZY at January 30, 2003 9:40 AM
Your all losers.
by Osama at January 30, 2003 10:58 AM
Linz is right in that womanish sort of way, but as a man, i have to admit that even i think to myself, "well, if this crazy piece of crap is this into me, what WOULDNT she do under the right circumstances?" sure its sick but the jammy wants what the jammy wants, I'm I right guys? YEAH!
In a perfect world, you would be able to do what you want with these freaks, use them like the meat they are and dump them out, but oh no, suddenly I'M the bad guy for suggesting it. Screw that. I tell you to stay away from me ONE time... capische?
by eff at January 30, 2003 12:10 PM
Osama, where've ya been hiding? In a camel's ass?
EFF, I have to say I agree with Linz but we, as men, seem to be ruled by an appendage without reason. It's also very impatient. Sonuvabitch. All we are a means of transportation for this thing. I think he's listening...........gotta go.
by EZY at January 30, 2003 12:59 PM
Let me say this in my defense: That was over 20 years ago. In the ensuing years Bunny From Hell did track me down time and time again, just as Ezy's nightmare did. But I never fell for that crap again. Though I do have her number somewhere...
by Andy at January 30, 2003 6:24 PM
Heh heh, you should give her a ring, Andy!
Osama, you need to spell correctly when being insulting; so much more effective.
by Linz at January 31, 2003 4:26 PM
I don't think anyone has had a date this bad....EVER!
Didn't you start off with the hope of getting laid? Just casual sex or something like that?
I guess you really got scre*ed LOL
by Crayzee at January 31, 2003 6:05 PM
Well here is my thing, this woman is 35, recently divorced, no SANE mane would WANT a relationship with her. She's got 13 years of issues to deal with before she is suitable for anyone else. HELL, you think she'd be READY for a nice casualthing. Even my mother, who is not a saint, but is certainly no whore, went out and got herself a little after her divorce just to make up for lost time.
So yes, I was just looking forsex and I told her that as well. You see, i don't care if women put honesty as no.1 on their list of male traits or not, i like honesty and when I tell a woman "hey you are cool enough to hang out with and maybe have somesex with but I really am not interested in having a girlfriend or any woman attach herself to me and start telling me what I should and should not do. So if you want to hang out, have some fun and do the nasty then yes, let's hang out. If you are not intersted in those things, that is totally fine with me as well, but we won't be haning out under any other pretenses."
So of course I get the run around. We get do it this weekend because my aunt flo is visiting (only she said "Im on my rag") which about made me puke. the first thing she wanted to do was come over to my house and have me hold her all night while she slept because, and I quote, "I was married for 13 years and I am not used to sleeping on my own."
I don't care. Get a dog.
I'm sure I'm not coming off like Prince Charming here but i never aspired to that bullshit any way. To this woman, i was pretty much polite withint the context of trying to get laid. To my way of thinking, its pretty rude to try and force someone to be your teddy bear when all they want to be is a sex machine. Her behavior pretty much precluded any kind of a relationship.
she doesn't have a car, that got repossessed and according to her it was her husbands fault for not paying her for putting up with her for 13 years. so she had to quit her job and rather than get another one closer to home she just sits around all day thinking of new things to obsess over.
ENTER EFF
last week she put an ad in the paper "let me be your personal shopper." I guess she wants to buy groceries for a living and sponge off her ex who pays for the house she lives in.
by eff at January 31, 2003 6:27 PM
long live feminism. let me know if you disagree.
by ms frenchie at February 1, 2003 10:02 AM
I actually agree with you and have great respect for men who are clear and concise with their expectations from a relationship or lack thereof. I would've expected a women fresh out of a 13 year lousy relationship, to be more than ready to sow some wild oats and have some fun without latching on like a leech.
Women have the same sexual needs as men. period. So I honestly don't understand the whole "cuddling" thing. I like getting hugs but not cuddling......So my personal philosophy is - when we're done, get the f*ck off me so I can roll over and go to sleep.
Anyhow, I think this lady is in serious need of therapy and drugs stronger than the prozac she's already taking.
by Crayzee at February 1, 2003 7:23 PM
I get my particular brand of feminism from my mother who is just about the strongest woman I know who is straight. My mother works construction and takes no shit from nobody, men women or other. She hates weakness in women and finds prissy, needy porfessional victims to be much more of a hindrance to the advancement of women than most men who she feels are just doing what comes natural at best and stupid at worst.
So if anyone finds me misogynistic, they can blame my mother who set the bar too high for the majority of women.
I don't want a relationship with some bitter divorcee with three kids, not interest in working who has all the intellectual charm of a tree stump. It's like crappy movies. I can enjoy a good crappy movie. Anybody seen Summer School with Mark Harmon? I love that movie. Is it the Godfather? No.
If I could eat steak every night, I'd still go out for cheeseburgers once in a while and that is how I feel about some women. I can't afford steak more than once or twice a year, but I can do a hamburger over lunch ANYTIME.
Does liking hamburger make me a misogynist? I don't think so. Besides, I never even got the chance to have sex with this woman before she freaked my ass out good with her psycho shit.
by eff at February 1, 2003 11:58 PM
just commenting to rebuild the page. don't mind me.
by mg at February 5, 2003 10:06 PM
hee hee. Man, dating sucks the whole world over. They should write the next Star Trek series about a "space Cheers" or something just to show how shitty dating is and what a clusterfucj Catch 22 it all is.
by cal5000 at April 4, 2003 8:05 PM