Of A Bad Play Where The Heroes Are Right

by anna at 09:32 AM on January 28, 2003

Every year the Super Bowl extravaganza is the highest rated program by far. Yet there's always a lot of folks who loudly proclaim that they didn't pay it any mind. I am here to confess that I suffered through the entire orgy of materialism. I even caught a few snippets of the contest itself, which turned out to be a one-sided rout. Two points: 1) Props to the Dixie Chicks for their straightforward rendition of the National Anthem, which was blessedly free of those vocal histrionics one often hears. No props to Celine Dion for her reading of God Bless America, delivered as if someone were tormenting her with a cattle prod. 2) I found it kinda sad to see washed-up 20th century icons Michael Jordan and Arnold Schwarzeneger being wrung for every last drop of their commercial potential.

What kept my eyes riveted to the set were ABC's relentless promos for the show awarded that coveted post-Bowl slot, Alias. This was my first and last exposure to the stylish spy drama. It opened with a fetching Jennifer Garner all dolled up in black lingerie and wielding a riding crop. This wasn't enough for her one-man audience, who bid her to switch into a red getup. Soon enough the pair was writhing in bed. That is, until she produced some sort of garotte and started strangling the poor sap. "What was wrong with the black one," she demanded to know. Lest anyone miss this eye-popping sequence, ABC reran it in its entirety.

Now there's no denying the sultry allure Ms. Garner brings to the table. Aside from her stunning physique she boasts those collagen-swollen lips popularized by Angelina Jolie and that Dark Angel heroine. All three of whom display fierce kung-fu fighting skills, the better to kick feeble men's asses silly.

Garner's acting talent is another story altogether. She doesn't emote so much as purse her pouty kisser. She recites her lines as if heavily sedated. Mannequins are more expressive.

Not that it matters a whit, since innovative screenwriting is what sustains popularity in a TV series. From All in the Family to Ally McBeal, the writing outshone the cast. Few would hold Carroll O'Connor or Rob Reiner up as stellar examples of thespian talent. Just as Calista Flockhart's bony ass didn't make anyone forget Lucille Ball.

Alas, the same can't be said of Alias. My primary quibble with its writers is their choice of villains. Garner and Co. do battle with a shadowy cabal known as The Alliance. It is comprised of old white men of German or Russian lineage. As far as I could tell, its ranks do not include a single Muslim fanatic. Never mind the fact that the real-life CIA's sole fixation is on al Qaeda and its cohorts. Or that this nation has been under continual attack from Islamic extremists going back 30 years. Or that Western casualties in this ongoing conflict number well into the thousands.

My guess is that it's either plain cowardice or a desire to take the path of least resistance that led them to craft the show in this fallacious way. Either that or it's the question of wardrobe. Were Garner to tangle with Muslim zealots, she'd have to blend in with the Arab populace. This would entail donning (and shedding) an unsightly, head-to-toe burqa. Hardly the optimal way to showcase her estimable assets. Far better to stuff her into black leather slacks so snug it's a wonder she can even walk let alone kick-box.

Evidently, I am not alone in my disenchantment with Alias. Talk about a letdown for ABC suits. Serves 'em right if you ask me.