Breathe, Breathe, Breathe you fucker ... BREEEEAAAATHE!!

by effenheimer at 04:41 PM on January 17, 2003

“Firey the Angels rose, & as they rose deep thunder roll’d / Around their shores, indignant burning with the fires of Orc” –William Blake, “America: A Prophecy”

Every age group believes that the new generation of kids is spoiled rotten. That may or may not be the case. But why is it always what the previous generation DIDN’T have that makes kids spoiled today? “When I was a kid, we had to get up and change the channel on our black and white TV using a knob. We didn’t have ‘remote controls’ and ‘color.’ We had to wait five minutes just for the TV to warm up so we could watch it!”

I can just see me in a few years. “When I was a kid, the most popular video game was Pong. It was ping-pong without the ping ... barbaric. We had Pop Rocks for candy and if you drank a Coke while eating them your head would explode.”

I’m sure the first homo sapiens had to listen to his grandparents go on, too. “When I was your age we didn’t stand FULLY erect. We stood three quarters erect and we were happy about it. And we didn’t have fire either. If we wanted to keep warm we had to cut open a bear and the bear didn’t just LET you cut him open, I can tell you that."

In the future, the kids we think of as spoiled will complain as well, I’m sure. “Back in 2003, we didn’t have androids to play with, if we wanted friends, we had to use people. We didn’t have virtual reality game systems, we had to play games on TV or on the Internet and you could tell they weren’t real.”

This is dedicated to Larry King, Andy Rooney and Dave Barry if it’s not too late.

Like him or not, Garth Brooks may be the greatest entertainer in human history.

Butter is better. If you really can’t believe I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is not butter, I weep for you.

Dogs beat cats any day. I’m sorry, but cats are just weird, self-centered beasties. Why you choose to clean up their feces is something you will one day have to answer for.

Cartoons aren’t just for kids, especially cartoons with a lot of sexual situations and swearing.

You say tomatuh and I say tomater. Let’s call the whole thing off. No, seriously, let’s.

Le Grand Salon is French for the Big Salon.

Whatever happens, don’t look down.

Don’t dream it, be it.

I do a mean imitation of an entire “Law & Order” episode.

Extra virgin olive oil is not for cooking. Some people ask how something can be “extra” virgin as though it either is or it isn’t. I think I’ve met a few extra virgins in my life.

Meg Ryan is just a little TOO precious. What is she like 50-something?

All that air in a bag of chips is there to keep the chips from getting crushed. Why people can’t figure that out is beyond me.

Why do I need Uncle Ben to make garlic and butter rice? Rice, butter, garlic, done!

Hindus don’t actually worship cows. That is a vicious stereotype. Hindus are vegetarians. India has a high population and few trees. Dry cow pies burn like firewood. Dead cows don’t poop.

While we’re on the subject, don’t whip the onion soup mix into the sour cream. Fold it. All you’re doing is making a mess.

I am so over “Will & Grace” it isn’t even funny. I also really liked the episode of “Friends” where Ross pines for Rachel ... six years ago!

I don’t think “Saturday Night Live” is any less funny today than it was in the ’70s, people were just more stoned back then. The last half hour of SNL always stunk.

You know who’s not afraid of failing? Failures. It’s a done deal. You can’t fear losing what you’ve already lost. Don’t fail to act for fear of failing. Push it. Weight lifters lift until they fail in order to succeed in becoming stronger. A lot of things are like that.

Any other cell phone users out there ever get an itchy ear thing going on. It’s driving me crazy. I hope it’s not a tumor.

In the future, there will be no countries, just multinational corporations that own everything. No history, no war, no disease, no famine, no strife, no freedom, no complaints.

Deckard was a replicant. It’s pretty obvious when you think about it.

Say what you will, but a guy who can shoot himself in the head and not die has a future in local politics.

Being immortal sounds cool in retrospect. For example, it seems like it would have been cool to have been alive for the last 400 years, but imagine living for the NEXT 400 years not knowing what comes next. Most people I know can’t get it together enough for one lifetime let alone 50 or more.