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1 lb. flesh
by doyce at 01:31 AM on January 13, 2003
Perjure \Per"jure\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. Perjured; p. pr. & vb. n. Perjuring.] 1. To cause to violate an oath or a vow; to cause to make oath knowingly to what is untrue; to make guilty of perjury; to forswear; to corrupt; -- often used reflexively; as, he perjured himself.
I wasn't in court today. I wasn't under oath. I perjured myself nonetheless.
I took a thing designed for truth-telling and used it to fabricate a falsehood. I think the worst part is that what I (mis)used in this fashion was something very close to me -- in doing this I sacrificed a portion of my integrity (and there's an outmoded word). I did this solely to create and perpetuate a falsehood that will make certain people happier than they are now. I don't care what these people think of me. I do care what they can do to me -- how they can affect my life and my family -- in the interests of protecting my status quo, I gave up something of myself.
It's a slippery road, I suppose -- snipping off little bits of yourself to keep things moving along -- I'm trying to ease the stress of it by telling myself that I'm just buying time while I work on a permanent change to the situation. Doesn't help much.
I'll tell you a secret: I despise personal drama, in myself or others. In my opinion there's nothing so uniquely horrible in a person's life that it hasn't happened to hundreds if not thousands of people before. That simple fact is enough to make me annoyed with this post even as I'm typing it. It's my nature.
But it needs typing. I want to acknowledge what I did and it seemed like something a bunch of bad samaritans could appreciate -- like reading about one more thing that causes cancer if you do it too much or hearing one more nail going into the coffin, this post is just a little more white noise confirming that we're all just about equally fucked up. I suppose there's some comfort in that.
comments (7)
You mentioned the endless cacophony about what activities or agents cause cancer. I've long ago given up listening to that crap. First off, you can't live in a bubble. Second, it seems like they change their minds every other day. So screw it.
by Anna at January 13, 2003 7:34 AM
I find myself very curious to know more than the vague details of your misconduct that are provided herein. If no one can possibly be harmed by the lie, sometimes it's okay. (See, but sometimes it's not, like cheating on someone... my rulebook makes as much sense as the English language.)
by Linz at January 13, 2003 11:35 AM
Linear time will heal the wound. You'll never forget the 'lie' you told, (you might if you're lucky), but there will be more 'lies' to come, there always are... and if it was 'truly' in the interest of your 'family' and not just yourself, more power to you... how many time we lie just for ourselves... hand caught in the cookie jar feeling, but it ain't cookies, it's souls your stealing... I don't know what you 'did', but I do know exactly how you feel.
by LOCKHEED at January 13, 2003 5:21 PM
No no...some are more fucked than others; your expressions of regret separate you from the animals.
by douchenation at January 13, 2003 7:49 PM
P.S. Doyce, you have not really acknowledged what you did(specifically). Cleanse the soul. Tell us...
by LOCKHEED at January 13, 2003 8:56 PM
That's not so much guilt as paranoia.
- People at my job know about my personal blog.
- Some of them sneak in there (I say it that way to denote that they read it and never mention it to me, as though they are reading a private diary or something).
- Sometimes I bitch about a long drive or something that I had to do that day because of work, and they make a black mark next to my name in their mind. Negative comments quickly outstrip positive comments because really, how often to you get home from work singing "the hills are alive"?
- After talking with a co-worker, I've started seeding my blog with 'work is wonderful/challenging/stimulating' posts, which makes me sick to my stomach and makes my (real) friends email me to ask what's going on and makes the people at work all happy and self-back-pattish.
So, I was unspecific mostly out of paranoia -- which is part of that whole 'I'm censoring myself because of real life' drama that is SO played-out I couldn't even bring myself to post about it.
Maybe I'm just sick with myself for playing the Game. Fucking hate office politics, but when you needs that paycheck to keep things rolling at home, you swallow alot of crap, I guess.
by Doyce at January 13, 2003 11:42 PM
Start a new personal blog, tell your friends about it, & don't let them find it!!
by Linz at January 14, 2003 1:30 PM