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effenheimer

Wang dang doodle ... awww, fuck it!

by effenheimer at 09:11 AM on November 07, 2002

I have been called a piece of shit a few times in my life, usually by ignorant assholes with self-esteem issues looking for a dog to kick. Recently my boss called me a piece of shit. THAT I cannot tolerate. I do what few writers in my market do and that is single-handedly sell newspapers. When people call up and renew their subs and ask for more of you, man, you've got it. I don't know what "it" is exactly, but it's something better than nothing that's for damn sure.

And what was my infraction? What was the crime so heinous that I had to be put in my fucking place with such harshness? I interupted the man during a meeting in which I was being warned that a co-worker accused me of "inappropriate workplace conduct" because I supposedly took a piece of candy out of my mouth and offered it to someone else. What horseshit.

By defending myself too vigorously, I pissed the old man off. Suddenly he forgets it's 2002. He thinks it's 1902 and he can say whatever the hell he wants to. Fucking Republicans.

Now the irony of being called a piece of shit in the middle of a meeting where I was being warned about inappropriate conduct is not lost on me. Nor, do I think, was it lost on my boss.

Later on, we laughed and laughed and rolled in the surf, our naked flesh making the squeaky sounds of dry fingers on clean plates.

Oh wait, that was the delusion I had when I went completely fucking dissociative. Tip for the ignorant: Only ever call someone a piece of shit when you know damn good and well they aren't accustomed to that kind of shabby treatment. Me, I've had about 32 years of preparation for this kind of offense. When you respond (and damn you for a coward if you don't), frankly, less is more.

Say nothing for at least 10 seconds, it lets the offender know you are trying your best not to leap across the table, gouge out their eyes with a no. 2 pencil and play the pan pipes with their bloody fucking eye holes. Then, slowly, with great measure, weigh each word like it's a bucket of radioactive isotope. Strontium 90 is good. Avert your eyes for just a moment as though what you are about to say is coming from God, the Devil or maybe your dead Uncle Attila is talking to you from just behind the offender's left shoulder. This gives the impression that someone is standing behind him that he can't see right before you look him dead in the eyes with a flat, fierce, steadfast, unwavering, undeniable authority and say — in falsetto — "ah you da Japanese-a sandman? You rook-a-rike a Japanese-a sandman."

After that, no one will ever fuck with you again.

comments (3)

Speaking in tongues and/or drooling is quite effective. Vomiting is good too, but I save that for corporate layoff meetings.

by Kevin at November 7, 2002 9:45 AM


Shabby treatment from those in charge only makes for more of a reason to spend wisely and save money and plan an "out" route when your evil schemes of revenge come to fruition. Ive just matured enough to where I wouldnt have gone off at the old coot. Id a probably walked out and waited tables out of spite for a couple months while looking for a job.
Of course I have a really shitty job myself, writing propaganda for the US govt in on an Army post, but its Italy so I suck it up.

Ciao

by cal5000 at November 7, 2002 10:57 AM


Is that a butterscotch? Man, that smells good...

by Linz at November 11, 2002 11:12 AM