send me a kiss by wire; baby my heart's on fire!

by mg at 04:09 PM on November 06, 2002

I’m not sure if this will reach you all. The Empire forces have bordered our vessel. I have placed information vital to the survival of Rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit… This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

I mean, the internet has been down in the office all morning, and I’m not sure it’ll make it up at all today (Obviously, it has).

As I’m writing this, I’ve just returned from my lunch time constitutional (a walk, not the other thing) While I was out, I saw one of the most bizarre things I’ve seen in the 20 odd years I’ve lived in New York. I stopped in the Post Office on my little sojourn, as much to kill time as to find some 34 cent stamps. Yes, I know mail now costs 37 cents, but I accidentally bought 50 3 cent stamps and I don’t know what to do with them.

I was thinking I’d use 13 of them on one letter, but a) I don’t want to give the damned Postal Service 2 extra cents, and b) I’m afraid if I upset the Postal Service they’ll black list me. I’ll be forced to use <disgust>electronic mail</disgust> for all my correspondence.

Anyway, I walked into the Post Office on 23 and Lexington. As I’m coming up the stairs I hear what could only be Michigan J. Frog. I thought maybe the Post Office actually cared about customer satisfaction and was giving us a bit of entertainment to help endure the wait on the inexplicably long lunch-time line.

But no.

I stood there contemplating whether or not I wanted to wait on said line, wasting my entire lunch hour in order to save 2 cents, or just recognize that you can’t fight city hall and give the bastards in Washington my 2 cents (literally). This is a really tough decision. I bet if I’d voted yesterday, I wouldn’t be having these problems.

Anyway, two or three minutes pass as I stand there contemplating. Did I mention I’m on a lot of drugs right now? That really made the decision much tougher. I’ve got some (stress related) pinched nerve thing and I can’t really move my head or left arm without this searing sort pain. I took a muscle relaxant and a pain reliever (the leftovers from the stash my dealer (mom) gave me when I hurt my back last summer) this morning and am now processing information slower than a game of Trivial Pursuit between Anna Nicole Smith, Steve-O, and Chris Burke. Also, I’m still in tons of pain.

So, while I’m standing there contemplating two or three minutes pass, as I’ve already said, and the Warner Brothers frog voice finished a song, and a number of people in the Post Office start clapping. It occurred to me, slowly, that if people were clapping, this was probably a live performance.

I scan the Post Office lobby, slowly, and my eyes fall upon the body from whence the voice was emanating; it was indeed a giant singing frog. But I am on a lot of drugs.