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i decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
by mg at 05:46 PM on November 27, 2002
One of my greatest fears in life regards my children.
Now, I’m pretty sure I don’t actually have a kid yet, nor do I have plans on acquiring one any time soon. It isn’t so much an impending fear about my children, so much as this general sort of dread pointing back at me from the future.
And, it isn’t even that I’m afraid something bad will happen to my kids. I was pretty much left unsupervised during the entirety of my rearing, and not only did I manage not to burn anything down, break any limbs, or shoot an eye out, but I think I turned out pretty good.
I’m not worried that something might happen to them, I’m worried they’ll come out of the chute bad. Like, that they will be unattractive, or not very smart, or with the charisma of Dick Cheney. I’m not sure where I stand on the whole nature versus nurture thing, but I know that no matter how good a parent I will be (and I will be a damn good parent, ladies), that some things can’t be overcome.
What if they are born with a big hairy mole on their face, or an annoying laugh, or the inability to ever alphabetizing things without sing the “Now I know my ABCs” song – out loud? A kid like that might as well just be left out in the woods to die, because they’ll never make anything of themselves. And I am going to need my kids to take care of me, and well, when I get old, fat, and Marlon Brandon crazy.
But most of all, I fear that I’m not going to like my kids. I suppose that comes from not actually having progeny, because if I were to hold one of my very own (rather than one of the ones I occasionally rent from that Russian mail order company), I’d probably be overwhelmed by so much love I’d start bawling like Halle Berry after winning an Oscar.
It’s just something I was thinking about because yesterday I was on the train heading up to New Hampshire for Thanksgiving, and among the many seating mistakes I made (sitting on the side with sun in my eyes all day, facing backwards and getting motion sick after only a couple minutes), I sat in seats directly in front of a young child.
The kid was cute enough, and I liked her at first. I was really glad she wasn’t a boy, or I’d probably have had to deal with the little brat kicking the back of my chair for seven straight hours. No, the torture I suffered at the hands of this kid was purely psychological.
The kid kept yelling at and generally treating her mom like crap. Anytime the mom stopped showering the little tot with enough love to make Bukake look like a light drizzle, the kid would start screaming at the top of her lungs. “Mom! Mom!! MOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Second, she insisted on repeatedly asking how much longer it’d take before they got to their destination. It wasn’t even the potential hilarity of an endless repetition of “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” No, the kid would ask, mom would say, “Oh, three more hours dear.” And then the kid would start crying and say that was too long. Fifteen minutes later, again. Again. Again.
It’d have been one thing if they were making her propel the train herself, Flintstones style, but she was just sitting there playing games and eating candy. How is that different than any other day for a spoiled little brat? No vestal virgins fanning her with peacock tails and feeding her grapes? Come on.
The worst of all was her singing. It’s cute when kids sing, I’ll admit. But, little kids don’t really sing so much as yell. At that kind of volume the high-pitched wail of a pre-pubescent girl is enough is enough to shatter glass.
Certainly it’s enough to really get on your nerves. And after the fifth straight rendition of Puff the Magic Dragon I wanted to Susan Smith her myself.
comments (12)
Hey, I know the feeling having lived through it. My last kid suffers from a vey mild disabliity that nonetheless renders him unable to stop pontificating about whatever occupies his mind at a given moment. I love him with all my heart, but a muzzle looks more and more attractive as the years go by.
by anna at November 27, 2002 6:06 PM
holy smokes! you wanted to susan smith her? damn, dont you think that's a bit excessive? i would have gone as far as to madelyne toogood the little brat, but nothing more. btw- if you ever have kids, it would be hilarious if they erik and lyle menendez you. haha. that would crack me up.
by Eviltom at November 27, 2002 10:28 PM
I love your writing style. About kids, they're not for everyone. You sound like you'd make a great dad.
by Marie at November 28, 2002 1:37 AM
Having "raised yourself", you must be very smart. You must know alot about so many things. I'm sure that bus trips make you very knowledgable about families and children. Well let me tell you something you may not know about, you lousy piece of nothing. You are right, children are not for everyone. Obviously and certainly not you. I think you'd make a horrible dad. May God strike you with impotence, and if he isn't so just, please go sterilize yoursef. C'mon, for the good of the world, you would be doing the future a favor to not ever procreate. Your reference to Susan Smith is just sick. I challenge you to attend a child's funeral and find any humor in it. Imagine looking at your own child after he or she has been submerged too long, for whatever reason. Maybe he just slipped in the bathtub while you were too busy making a cocktail or posting some bullshit on the internet. I'm sure he'd he be swollen, blue and unresponsive. Does that sound funny? You are an insensitive, inhumane disgusting pig. You don't even deserve to have a dog. No... a cat. Children are on this earth to treasure, educate and love. So the answer to "are we there yet"?..... You are certainly not.
by trixie at November 28, 2002 3:16 AM
Trixie, may I suggest you get a grip?
First off, MG didn't say he "raised himself", he merely implied that his parents didn't cater to his every whim or overprotect him as a child.
Secondly, I just read and re-read his post and have yet to find the part where he claims to be an "expert on families and children" All throughout the post he speaks only of his personal thoughts and concerns about child rearing. As to whether or not he'd make a good dad, your guess is as good as the next persons (although, I dunno, maybe if you actually had a conversation w/the guy as opposed to reading a single post you might get a better picture)
Furthermore, I don't think he meant for the Susan Smith reference to be taken seriously. Yes, it is horrible when a child dies for any reason. Yes, it is even more devastating when it happens due to parental neglect and it is simply incomprehensible when the parent actually causes the death. I just think people might be over-reacting to a simple comment.
BTW, and before you ask me, yes, I have attended a child's funeral. My little cousin drowned when he was 3 yrs old. It was the most un-funny thing to happen in my family. You are right in that respect.
by Lucy at November 28, 2002 4:45 AM
MG, you make me smile.
1. I suggest that you print out this post and put it in your wallet. pull it out and read it again when your first child is about six months old. You'll be horrified.
2. I quite agree that parents should not be inflicting their children - good, bad, or ugly - upon the general public. It is a combination of the me generation's strong desire to deny themselves nothing and the general decline in common courtesy.
I do not care to listen to small children read, sing, display amazing feats of memorization, identify presidents, cry, squirm or be reprimanded in a public place. Stay the hell home and think about how to arrange the elements (comfort, rest, diversion) so that the child's needs come first instead of trying to feed them from a too-sophisticated restaurant menu, dragging them shopping at 8pm, imobilizing them in a seat next to business travelers, all for the sake of putting your own desires first. Inconsiderate of the child and rude to the public.
Also, those suburban Gymboree mothers need to stay off the roads in the morning until the real people get to work.
by bobthecorgi at November 29, 2002 8:12 AM
Man, ol' MG really touched a nerve this time. Still, I can't help but note that Trixie's indignant tirade was posted @ 3:16 AM. Maybe she was sleep-deprived. As for all this fuss about parenting, I am one and yet still it irks me when rude stroller-pushing moms run me over. Where is Andrea Yates when you need her?
by anna at November 29, 2002 8:54 AM
My two cents:
I certainly would not know how to help you start to look, but in my case I have been on this look for the perfect sperm. :) It has taken me said thirtysomething years and I think I found the genes I want. :)
All kidding aside, you would make a great Father no doubt but don't worry so much about all that garb, just make sure you do chrom testing on the possible Mother suspect, do family linage checkage, spend time with possible future Mother's family to see how the "shit will fall" so to speak and make sure you do some sort of IQ testing on the possible Mother-to-be. If you do that, oh and make sure she eats right, works out right, and takes vits and reg. doctor visits while in preg'o days you should have a wonderful little blessing.
:)
DONT FREAKING WORRY so much MG, you (this I never thought I would say or find) worry more than I do!!! You are freaking me out man...
:)
by Pristine at December 1, 2002 12:23 PM
Why do I find myself wanting to puff up like a yappy little shih tzu and bite Trixie?
mg, not that you're losing any sleep, and it surely helps your bad samaritan image, but anyone who stops by here enough knows just how malicious you are certainly NOT.
Grrrr... yip! yip! rrrrrr....
by Linz at December 2, 2002 10:58 AM
Not to belabor the point, but maybe LINZ feels that way because it's one thing to add a comment critical of what someone's taken the time to post while it's another to simply go off on him or her personally. I dunno.
by annna at December 2, 2002 10:03 PM
Besides for Trixie, who thinks I'm evil, and Eviltom, who doesn't have a uterus, all the ladies think I'd make a great dad. I guess that make me feel better about fatherhood. All I need now is someone to let me impregnate them. Any takers?
by mg at December 3, 2002 10:33 PM
*crickets cherp*
by MrBlank at December 4, 2002 11:33 AM