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uberchick

Honey, gimme a better story!

by uberchick at 09:23 AM on November 20, 2002

Shhh!!! Don't tell anyone I'm here, I don't want to alert the other Bad Samis. No intro from me, I'm getting right down to it.

So the other night, my friends and I were going over to their place for drinks after watching "Harry Potter." On the way, we were approached by a scratchless, oh-so-pretty gay boy with a sob story, pleading for our financial assistance.

"Sorry to, like, bug you guys, but I've just had the worst night of my life. I'm visiting my boyfriend from out of town, and he got really drunk and started beating me up, and then I threw a plate at him and called the cops, who wouldn't do anything about it, and now I need a place to stay, but I don't have the money for a hotel room or a hostel bed, so could you please spare even some change to help me out???"

I laughed while one of my friends responded with, "Do you seriously expect me to keep a straight face during this?"

My other two friends, at least trying to be halfway helpful, offered the names of a few shelter locations. Pretty boy's trying to defend himself. I was still laughing. I'm tempted to ask him where his luggage is if he's really from out of town and whether the plate crashed over the boyfriend's head, but I couldn't stop myself from laughing long enough.

Now it would have been really unfortunate if the story really had been true. If I had seen blood from the beating, we would have helped immediately. If there were some bruises, a scratch, or even a zit, we may have entertained the possibility of its verity. If he didn't speak in run-on sentences, at the very least he would've sounded intelligent. If he had an outrageously entertaining bad and absolutely untrue story, I would've given him 10 bucks.

Welcome to New York Fucking City.

comments (11)

My favorite homeless fellow was the "Friendly Alien." He was an older black gentleman with Bill Cosby sweater, a pair of those springy alien antena and a saxophone.He'd step on a subway car and announce, "I am a friendly space alien," and then start playing the sax, very badly. When he was done with his song, he'd say "I need money to fix my space ship." If it didn't look like people were reaching into their wallet, he'd threaten, "Give me money or I'll play another song." People would be reaching for their wallets post-haste. When I was a kid, I'd see him all the time, but he seemed to disapear for a while. Maybe he went back on his meds? I saw him again about a year ago, and though I never dole out money to panhandlers, I gave him a buck, just for nostalgias sake.

by mg at November 20, 2002 11:44 AM


So are we more likely to show sympathy if we think it's a fellow middle-classer in a bit of a jam than if it's a homeless person that probably has some sort of addiction? I'm not sayin' that I often give change to people begging either but it just seems weird to feel sorrier for the first guy.

by Linz at November 20, 2002 12:07 PM


it's because he was obviously a drunk middle-classer that we didn't show sympathy.

by überchick at November 20, 2002 3:08 PM


Oh... I thought he was a derelict telling a big lie!

by Linz at November 20, 2002 3:31 PM


When I was in Berlin last year, I having a conversation with friends (who were non-American) about panhandlers... I said that I'm more likely to give money to a musician (like that really good accordian-player at the Friedrichstrasse station) or someone who's doing something entertaining than to someone sitting on a blanket holding a cup at the bottom of the subway steps (doing nothing).

One of my friends (from Ireland) said, "Oh, that is so American." After getting offended for being accused of being "so American", I asked him to elaborate... he said something to the effect that we expect everyone to work for their money.. no charity cases for us. If someone is having a tough time getting by, they'd better have some sort of talent or else they're screwed. Is that how it works for us? I still don't know.

by leaffin at November 21, 2002 2:00 AM


Is there free money in Berlin? I gotta move there. Are the chicks free too?

by MrBlank at November 21, 2002 9:51 AM


Oh wait, it was free money in Ireland, not Berlin. I gotta move to Ireland.

by MrBlank at November 21, 2002 9:54 AM


Free money-- well, all you need to do is hop from subway car to subway car with a peg leg, a hunchback, and a baby who's holding a cup, and you'll probably be rich. And as for free chicks, I don't think so, but if you head to Oranienburgerstr., one of the pretty ladies there should be able to help you out with a blow job in the park for only 50 Euros. definitely worth the plane ticket, right?

by leaffin at November 21, 2002 9:57 AM


it's not that we expect the needy to have any talent or work for their money. but what i don't have patience for is a pretty boy wearing a nice leather jacket, a dkny turtleneck, retro black pants, and dkny shoes giving me a sob story and asking for money. it has nothing to do with not having compassion for the homeless or needy...

by überchick at November 21, 2002 3:16 PM


No, I expect panhandlers to work for their money. Sing me a song, shine my shoes, or offer to "service" me in Washington Square Park men's room. Something.

by mg at November 21, 2002 3:31 PM


there's a guy in times square that lets you yell at him and get your frustrations out for money. i think that's the best marketing panhandling strategy.

by überchick at November 21, 2002 5:36 PM