Horrorscopes: Astrology for the criminally Insane

by mg at 11:11 AM on October 14, 2002

You’ve begged and you’ve pleaded, so I’m finally giving it to you like the naughty bitch you are; the latest installment of Horrorscopes: Astrology for the criminally Insane.

Libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The cops are closing in on you. Maybe that is them at the door now? Get out of the house. Run. RUN! Oh, wait; it's just the pizza guy.

Scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You may have loved her since E.T., but the stars regret to inform you that when they make a horror movie of your life Drew Barrymore will only show up for the first 97 seconds.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Sagittarius, though you don't have any recollection of it at all, you were the caretaker here. The stars recognize ya. They saw your picture in the newspapers. You, uh, chopped your wife and daughters up into little bits. And then you blew your brains out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
No beer and no TV make Capricorn go crazy. But if you can only afford one, make sure to pay your cable bill since only a complete nut job would give up the Sopranos.

Aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
After more than two decades in jail DNA evidence will finally prove you didn't kill those two prostitutes back in '79. Unfortunately, it will prove you killed those three nuns back in '78

Pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Though there is nothing illegal about it, sending people Powder in the mail is just sick. That movie sucked.

Aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Being a copy cat killer doesn't actually require you to poop in a box.

Taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars understand that your Aunt Lana bequeathed you a huge inheritance in your will, but explain to us again why you bombed the '96 Summer Olympics?

Gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You will make a video of yourself ranting and raving about the "Great Devil" hoping to get put on the FBI's most wanted list and become a hero to your people. Instead, your video will become the basis for a parody website and get passed around the world through interoffice emails.

Cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The stars still no what you did last summer.

Leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The stars can understand getting a little stressed out about finally losing your NES after spending 11 hours a day, every day, for the last 17 years playing Duck Hunt in your parent's basement. But the stars would like to point out, Leo, that those targets in Maryland and Virginia were not ducks.

Virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Alex Trabek isn't personally asking you question. Alex Trabek is personally giving you answers, you have to supply your own questions.

Check out the previous installments (one and Two) of this painfully difficult to come up with, but hopefully fun to read series.