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i can't believe i went out with a kleptomaniac! we're breaking up!
by mg at 05:55 PM on September 03, 2002
Hello, my name is Michael, and I am an office supply kleptomaniac.
[Pause for audience to reply, “Hi Michael.”]
I now realize, after years of denying the truth, that I have a problem.
What made me realize? I cleaned my apartment this weekend. Well, I wasn’t so much cleaning as combining all the various piles of stuff into somewhat more organized piles of stuff. I found six different types of paper clips, which, altogether, coalesced to form two handfuls worth of paper clips. I’ve never, in my entire life, bought paper clips, nor do I have any reason to clip any two pieces of paper together at home.
That is what any of my five staplers (two desktop size, two portal, and one industrial) are for.
I also found I have three tape dispensers at home. Not three rolls of tape, but three dispensers. Those heavy, filled with sand, dispensers with the sharp little teeth on the front and the spiny wheel in the middle that you remove to add a new roll of tape, like replacing a roll of toilet paper. I have three tape dispensers but no tape.
I also found two bottles of white out. I haven’t needed to use white out in nearly two decades, since we traded in the typewriter for a commodore 128 back in 1985. Yet, somehow, I’ve got two bottles of barely used white out stashed around my apartment, with no apparent explanation.
Sometimes I’ll reach into my pocket, and pull out a handful of thumbtacks. It is in those moments that a cold wave of dread sweeps over me, not because of the barely avoided scrotum puncturing, but because I have no idea how those thumbtacks got in my pocket in the first place. I don’t even have thumbtacks or a corkboard anywhere near my desk.
And pens, lets forget about pens. I’ve got more pens lying around my apartment than you can shake a, well, pen at. I’ve got at least one pen on every flat surface of my apartment, not to mention a full complement of colors and styles in each of the backpacks I may decide to carry with me in the morning. There is a shoe box full, literally full, on the upper shelve of my closet, just because I can’t possibly use them all in a lifetime.
Where did these pens come from? I don’t know. I haven’t bought a pen since I was getting ready for my first day of high school, way back in the fall of 1990. Yet, whenever someone looks at me and ask, “Got a pen?” while patting various parts of their body in search of a writing implement of their own, I’ve got more than one to spare. The strange thing is, even if I tell them, when they reach to return pen, “No, you go ahead and keep it,” I find that very same ill-begotten quill back in my possession, hiding in a pocket or behind an ear, less than five minutes after walking away from them.
I am here today, admitting I have a problem; looking for help. Also, for anyone interested in some slightly used office supplies, cheap.
comments (15)
Hmmm... I love those adorable mini post-it notes... do you have any of those in pale hospital green?
by Linz at September 4, 2002 1:11 PM
Sure. Do you need just the small ones, or the super-mini ones?
by mg at September 4, 2002 3:19 PM
Super-mini, like the skirts I wear to work.
by Linz at September 4, 2002 4:09 PM
Linz, baby, have I told you lately that I love you?
by mg at September 4, 2002 5:40 PM
I have super-minis in neon green - will those do?
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who has this problem. Binder clips and staplers, paper clips and tape dispensers - I've got 'em all, too. I also apparently lifted ping pong balls and a world-weary copy of Snow Crash while I was at it.
by Antwon at September 4, 2002 6:59 PM
hot damn! i'm an office supply bandit too! especially the damn ink pens. i have a kitchen drawer full of ink pens... mike! sniff... you're not alone! *warm hug*
by kara at September 4, 2002 10:25 PM
by the way... love your blog!
by kara at September 4, 2002 10:26 PM
liquid paper still has much usefulness as a sniffable substance. no wait don't do that! it's bad for you.
by kd at September 5, 2002 2:44 AM
mg, you can never tell me too often.
Super-mini in neon green is a little loud, but hell, I'm feeling bold. Bring it on!
by Linz at September 5, 2002 8:56 AM
I've been told by someone who would know such a thing that Egyptians love pens. LOVE them. No one knows why. They love them so much, in fact, that customs will routinely search through incoming mail and steal every single pen, and nothing else. I suggest that you send your pens to Egypt to alleviate what is surely the most dire pen shortage in history.
by Adam at September 6, 2002 4:32 AM
Happy Huggerz - The World's Happiest Paper Clips!
<ed note>link removed because I hate comment spam</ed note>
by Sarah at December 3, 2003 12:12 PM
Oh Sarah, enough about paper clips. What I really want to know is if you saw the lights? The pale English face? The strange machines repeating beats and thumping bass?
by mg at December 3, 2003 12:25 PM
Sarah, Sarah...
No time is a good time for goodbye.
by Linz at December 4, 2003 4:48 PM
I'm glad I'm not the only one terribly amused by the idea of serenading comment spammers with song lyrics.
by mg at December 4, 2003 5:01 PM
Wow - do you guys actually do anything with yourselves, or do you just sit around all day and think "deep thoughts"?
What a bunch of INCREDIBLY BORING human beings.
I can't believe I used to think this shit was interesting. Get off your lazy ass and grow up.
by Pugsley at April 6, 2004 6:33 PM