Helpful soul-shopping hints

by northstar at 09:36 AM on August 10, 2002

Just in time for the holiday season, y'all....

So, I'm driving home from work the other day, listening to Andrei Codrescu on National Public Radio. He was realting a story about how someone had put their soul up for auction on Ebay. Apparently, the bidding had risen to $400 before Ebay officials put the kibosh on the auction. Why not, I thought? Someone tried to auction off their virginity a couple years ago. Last year, a female German radio personality ran an online contest, which required contestants to describe in detail the sexual acts they would perform on her. The winner got to spend the night with her AND also won two tickets to a Madonna concert in Stuttgart. Apparently, the winner was quite talented, in both the literary and the sexual context. But, I digress....

I was really quite intrigued by the idea of putting one's soul up for auction. It struck me that there are so many variables involved in the marketing of one's soul. For instance, does a soul depreciate? Or is the soul a timeless vessel containing the essence of a person? It would seem to me that a soul that does not depreciate would be much more valuable than the alternative.

Of course, there is the question of how one would transfer ownership of his or her soul. It's not like an automobile, where you simply sign over the title. How does one take possession of an invisible metaphysical concept? A related question would be: How does one prove ownership of a soul? There are no legal documents, no title that defines ownership.

Then there is the matter of packaging and shipping. A soul has no weight or volume, so you can't very well ship it via UPS overnight. Is a soul digital or analog? Could it be downloaded (or uploaded) via the Internet?

Since it has no weight or volume, and is also invisible, how would you know when you have actually taken delivery of a soul? And even if you could determine that you had received a soul, how would you know that it was the RIGHT one? Souls don't come with labels or identifying marks- they're invisible, after all.

Of course, you'd definitely want to make sure that you purchased your soul from a reputable source. You probably wouldn't want to buy a soul from Enron, WorldCom, or Adelphia, would you??

You'd also want to make sure that you purchased a high-quality soul. Would a soul from Hammacher Schlemmer be of better quality than a soul from Toys R Us or WalMart? Is there a third-party watchdog group that monitors and certifies the quality of souls?

It might also be wise to check to see if you could get a better deal on a soul by waiting until the end of the model year. That's when dealers will normally discount current inventory to clear their shelves for the next model year. You might get a better deal if you can wait until the last minute to purchase your soul.

I'm not so sure that I'd want to purchase a soul on Ebay, though. Too many unanswered questions, really. Is the soul new? Used? What condition is it in? How many miles? Is it still under warranty? IS there a warranty? Will the color go with the decor of my living room? What if the soul is defective, or merely tainted with evil? Is their any sort of return or exchange policy?

As you can see, there is a lot more to buying a soul than one might think. In an effort to help, the US Government Publishing House in Pueblo, CO, has published a pamphlet: "What To Look For When Shopping For A Soul". It's the companion to "Federal Regulations Governing The Interstate Sale And Transportation Of A Soul".

When buying a soul, be careful. Shop around, and ALWAYS remember: Caveat emptor!!