the market will bear my extended middle finger

by antwon at 03:45 AM on July 13, 2002

Hmm. I dunno— maybe I should think about getting one of those "job" things that seem to be all the rage with the kids nowadays. Don't get me wrong, now: I truly have enjoyed the last few months I've spent basking in the warm and nurturing rays of unemployment. It's been kind of liberating, really— staying up 'til right around dawn each and every evening, attempting to read every halfway-worthwhile 'blog in all of digital creation, building up a a robust immunity to most daytime television programming. (Did you know that some people still use the expression "you gots to drop that zero and gets you a hero, girlfriend" in a purely non-ironic context? It's true!)

But still, a man has to know his limits... and I think I've reached the tasteful lower bound on my personal productivity. I mean, it's Friday already, and the most noteworthy accomplishment of my entire week has been pirating MP3s from bands I hate for the sole purpose of spiting both those artists and the RIAA. Sure, it provides me with a vague sense of personal satisfaction, I guess, but hardly classifies as "productivity" in the classical sense of the word.

So what the hell— I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it! I'm ready now, world! I've made peace with myself, and am willing to become a soulless worker drone once again! To step across that Field of Dreams-style line at the archway of your corporate headquarters, trading in my "All Your Base" T-shirt for a tastefully-patterned polo shirt and swapping out my blue jeans for... uh, blue jeans with fewer garlic butter stains, joining the ranks of the commuting masses once again! All righty, then: let's fire up those job listings and see what damage we can do!

Company: GloboTransTechnoCore Industries
Position: Senior Software Engineer
Qualifications: MSCS from top-notch university required, PhD preferred. Minimum 5-7yrs experience with C, C++, C#, Java, Perl, PHP, Python, FORTRAN, assembly language, applying voltage pulses directly to CPUs. Ideal candidate can also manually communicate with modems (28kbps+), smelt tin, manufacture motherboards from junkyard scrap. Ability to make coffee and ass that just won't quit a big plus.

Company: Chipwich MetaSystems, Inc.
Position: Chief Systems Architect
Qualifications: Our ideal candidate MUST be well-versed in RDS, PJP, QVM, TYZ(3), RRK, with preference given to those who have real-world experience with writing HKI and EWCD low-level protocol application handler interfaces for TCM4 packet layer switches. First-round pre-screening by phone, may contain pop quiz on real vs fake acronyms à la "You Don't Know Jack". Ability to quickly pick up mind-numbingly esoteric information that no one in their right mind would find engaging a big plus.

Company: PrimCoSoft Networks
Position: Compiler Designer
Qualifications: We need a compiler design guru! Must have attended university with Compiler Design major, acquired BS or MS in Compiler Design. Full certification required from Compiler Fundamentals Institute and American Association of Compiler Designers (A1-Gold minimum). Recommendation regarding compiler design skills required from omnipotent deity (burning bushes preferred, will accept stone tablets with proper documentation.) Ideal candidate will mumble about compilers in his sleep, be able to name designers of famous compilers, have plans to create coffee table book of compiler designers in seductive poses.

Company: Meepzorp Computing
Position: Software Engineer
Qualifications: BS in Computer Science or equivalent field, plus 2+ years of hands-on industry experience. Solid competency in nice, non-threatening languages like C++ and Java; Perl and a working knowledge of SQL a strong plus. Strong written and verbal communication skills required. People named "Antwon" and/or with weaknesses for nubile vixens preferred. Sound interested? Please contact our main offices located in the beautiful Crab Nebula regarding an interview!

Uh... huh. Hrmm. Yeah. That's... uh, not nearly as encouraging as I was hoping for.

OK, time for Plan B: live off of more-than-ample reserves of credit cards until the age of 30, committing myself to a Logan's Run-themed sort of self-imposed termination right around then. Not only will I not have to worry about job-hunting anymore, but just like that, "unemployment" will magically transform into "retirement"— bitchin'! I feel much better now. Now, we resume our record-industry-spiting antics, already in progress....