i have forgiven you for tricking me again, but i have been tricked again, into forgiving you

by mg at 08:50 AM on July 29, 2002

Okay, okay, I’m back.

Now, I’m sure y’all are thinking, “That MG. Up to his old tricks again. He never really intended on leaving us, it was just another pathetic attempt to toy with our emotions. Or, worse yet, just an excuse to get out of having to post anything for another whole week.”

And, I can understand exactly why pessimistic bastards might be thinking that.

I’ve pulled this sort of stunt a number of times. But, while all those really were stunts this, this is real. I fully intended to shut down this stupid little site. Unlike all the other times I’ve made that same threat, this wasn’t a momentary decision, or an attempt to trick folks into commenting and sending emails begging me to stay. I really was going to shut down the site this time.

Seriously.

If you don't believe me, I'd even downloaded the Hulk’s sad, walking away music to embed on the page I was going to put up with the official announcement that I was sadly walking away, hulksters.

I’ll save the “whys” of my decision for another post, but it comes down to this: my Problem, both with this site and in my real life, is that I take things far too seriously. As a kid, I was called mature. As a teen I brooded. And as an adult, I’m almost paralyzed by my excessive overanalyzing of every thought bouncing around my head, every casual flirtation, and every fork in the road.

I strive constantly to make myself a better, healthier person, and I think each day when the sun has set and my head finally hits the pillow, that I am a better person. But this stupid brain of mine, I just want it to shut off sometimes and let the rest of my body enjoy itself.

I fully intended to shut down the site, if only to end my constant second-guessing about what I was trying to do here. But, something happened between the decision to quit, and the posting of the actual, unambiguous (and surely long-winded) announcement. You’ve all got Dan to blame/thank.

I was fully expecting people to ask me to stay, even though Bad Samaritan has seen better days, there is still a nice little following of old friends and new fans not yet put off by my constant whining and trickery. So when the pleas started rolling in (though, not nearly as many as I’d hoped), I wasn’t much swayed from my opinion. But Dan really took the wind out of my sails in a way everyone needs to have the wind taken out of their sails once in a while. He wrote:

Man, if BadSam ever went under, I'd have to read, like, other blogs or something.

Those 15 mostly one-syllable words, well, they hit me hard. Bad Samaritan isn’t The Great fucking Gatsby. It isn’t even The Pelican fucking Brief. It’s fine and good and all, and, when everything is clicking, an admirably written site that exists proudly among the upper echelon of weblogs. But it is just a stupid weblog.

There are dozens more weblogs just like it (and thousands more that wish they were). I can have a day (or week) when everything I write just sucks gerbil balls. I don’t have to feel bad about not being Fitzgerald, because I’m not. This is not A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. It’s a stupid weblog. I’m not getting paid from this (not much, anyway).

While I don’t want Bad Samaritan to be as far as I get as a writer, if this is all I ever do, it’s been hell of a lot more than most people. And if I can accept that this site’s purpose is merely to get me in the habit of writing on a daily basis, figuring out my own writing style, and maybe amusing a couple people in the process, I can start having fun here again. Over the past two years, Bad Samaritan has served it purpose well, and there were many moments of great fun. Even though I desperately need to branch out and try something new, Bad Samaritan still has a purpose. I can still use this outlet.

So, thanks Dan, and all the other people who’ve stuck around. Because of you all, I’ll stick around too. I’ll continue to give this piece of myself to you, and have fun doing it. It’s the least I can do, for you, and myself.