she sings to me, the words I cannot hear

by mg at 03:48 AM on June 30, 2002

Another drunkenish post. Tonight, the whole day in fact, was a depressing affair in an otherwise happy period of my life. I’ve a new job and a new attitude, both of which I’ve really been meaning to discuss. Like most writer types, I find it much harder to put pen to paper when I’m in a good mood and/or not suffering the effects of alcohol. I’ll get around to that eventually, it’s a good and heart-worming sort of a story.

But, why was today depressing?

Well, it sort of begins last night. I’d ended my second week of work, and went out with the crew for some happy hour drinks at the VIP room, which is in fact nothing more than a dingy back room of a dingy Irish bar in Gramercy. There is, inexplicably, a miniature (but person sized) Statue of Liberty with painted-on green stripes, a bucket and some mops, a Tee-Time Golf Video Game, one of those porn slash gambling video games you find in only the finest drinking establishments, and some random musical equipment for the rare occasions the place sponsors a live act.

Still, all in all, I was having a good time. The people I work with are great and funny, and an interesting mix of personalities. But, I decided to leave after only a little bit, in an attempt to rest up and save up after a couple weeks where of spending my entire salary on booze and women. Unfortunately, I haven’t been paid yet, so money is still tight and I really was plenty tired.

Besides, I was going out tonight, to Baz and Choire’s Big Gay Party, and I wanted to be well rested and well funded for a night of debauchery.

The day started off early; I’d forgotten to turn my alarm off, so woke up at 7:30. And, unlike weekdays, when I’d have hit the snooze for another hour, having to rush breakfast and grooming rituals to make it to work on time, I actually woke up. Strange, but true.

I watched the director’s commentary track on Three Kings, and then the Mets game (go Mets!). And then, Amanda came over. Now, I never really talked about the break up this time. As far you blog types knew, we were going out and then I was talking about going dates with other people.

Now, I don’t want to get into all that. I mean, I was crushed. Seriously crushed, even in ways that last time didn’t crush me, and last time crushed me bad. But, I got over it. I moved on, started seeing other people. Amanda and I developed a friendly relationship, and I know how wrong and bad and so very wrong and so very bad it’d be if were back together. But, she came over to hang out today and I damn if didn’t want her. Really want her. Really fucking want her.

What was even worse about it is I had invited her to go out to a show with me tonight, and she already had plans. It’d be one thing if she’d had plans with a fella. I could almost accept that, sort of have it be a punctuation mark at the end of our relationship. But no, she had to be going out tonight with the girl, a mutual friend, who I’d made a couple vague allusions to the past week or so about being my next future ex-girlfriend.

My ex-girlfriend, now my friend, but who I suddenly desired to be my girlfriend again, is going out with my friend, who I’d suddenly desired to be my girlfriend.

God, why do you hate me so?

If you’ve read this far, expecting notes from the big gay party (or a shout out to all the new bloggers I met), I’m about to disappoint. It is late, very late, and I’m tired, and depressed, and the alcohol is wearing off. It is time to go pass out now, and maybe get around to finishing the story tomorrow.