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First I look at the purse
by space at 12:58 AM on June 14, 2002
The other day I was perusing Jessica's e-bay items. It was all women's clothing and accessories and I tried to think of some joke I could make about that being the perfect purse for me. Then, without warning, I started imagining myself dressed as I was, carrying a purse down the street, confident, secure...
And above all, convenienced. Listen: I have to carry a lot of shit around, and in summer, when I don't wear a coat, it's awkward. I've got the cell phone, the wallet, the keys, a notebook, a pen or two, quarters for tolls, the faceplate for the car stereo, sunglasses, a flask, and assorted other junk. All that shit ain't fitting in three pants pockets, folks. Yes three. You can't put anything in your left rear pants pocket. Just isn't done. Unless you're left handed, and then you've got your own problems to deal with. And the front pockets aren't so great either, especially if you plan on sitting down ever. Those are some pokey things shifting around down there in a place you don't want to get poked.
So, enter the purse. While Jessica's purse may not be the right one for me (maybe I need something more like this, or this), it seems like a pretty nice thing to have around. Think of all the stuff I could carry! Think of the fashion statements I could make!
Sure, I'd get some looks, especially here in the Midwest, and probably some homophobic comments, but I could deal with that. That isn't the reason that my dream will go unsatisfied. That's not the reason that I'm not carrying the purse.
It all boils down to this: I live in fear of being That Guy. The Guy that everyone identifies by one characteristic. The Guy who keeps bragging about his golf score. The Guy who flirts with your girlfriend/wife. The Guy who ogles 13 year olds. The Guy who ends up at the end of every party buck naked and wearing a six-can beer holster around his waist. Forget, for a moment, that I do all of those things. I want to be complicated, difficult to describe; I'm an individual, not a caricature! And while I'd have to respect any girl brave enough to date a guy who carries a purse, her reward shouldn't be frequently having to endure this conversation:
Friend: So, who are you seeing again?
Girlfriend: Gordon. You've met him.
Friend: Hm....
Girlfriend: Tall, slender guy? Dark hair, dark brown eyes? Well-dressed? Incredibly good looking? Totally brilliant? Funny as all hell? Gentle and sensitive, yet devilish? Confident, secure, sexy, but not conceited? Makes women swoon just by walking past them?
Friend: No, doesn't ring a bell...
Girlfriend: *sigh* Carries a purse?
Friend: Oh, THAT GUY.
So there it is, folks. While I'd love the convenience, and I'd love to be the kind of person who subverts dominant gender roles even in such small way, it just ain't gonna happen. Lladies, if you see me craning my neck when you sashay past, your cute little handbags swinging from your shoulder, and you're wondering is he checking me out?, remember, it's just my purse envy getting the better of me. I'll sigh, shake my head, and go on my way, my pants pockets bulging like I've shoplifted two 15 lb. turkeys.
Usually it just looks like I've shoplifted a 13"... nevermind.
You know, if I became a purse snatcher, it would suddenly be perfectly normally for me to carry one, albeit for only a few hundred yards, and at a full sprint. Still...
comments (11)
She forgot to mention "Very Modest" THAT would probably do the trick.
by Girlw/KaleidoscopeEyes at June 14, 2002 1:58 AM
Gordon, all you need to do is be gay. Then you can get away with murder. Or at least carrying a purse.
by snaggle at June 14, 2002 3:57 AM
I almost suggested one of those cool fanny-packs in a fun, carefree color like lime, but then I guess you are back to the "That Guy" problem. See, fanny packs are what I secretly envy; no hands, and unlike the backpack/purse hybrids, you don't have to take it off or swing it around your body like a misaligned hula-hoop to access its contents. But the reason I don't wear fanny packs (except sometimes when hiking) is that they are ass-ugly (except on anyone reading this that actually wears one regularly... it looks cool on You, I swear).
by Linz at June 14, 2002 8:35 AM
You need one of those bicycle messenger bags. That way, you could put a bunch of pins and buttons on it to prove how indie/punk rock you are.
by Shar at June 15, 2002 11:42 AM
I am thinking you are a perfect candidate for a suprsingly catchy re-invention... the satchel. I too was faced with your dilemma. Inundated with all of these pens, papers, keys, cell phone et cetera... I was in need of something that could support my greedy desire to carry everything at once. One gloomy spring day I marched myself to the nearest AMES and picked up the latest style, $10.99 purse. I thought all of my problems had been solved. Yes, living in Maine I knew there would be some problems with the sociological artifcats I share my state with... AKA cave trolls. But that was not the problem. I found, that like you, I had been labeled. I had become THE effeminate purse carrier of my Junior class. People would look for it in a room. Sure it was a good way to break the ice, or to pick up some horrendously odd young madame. But no, I needed something with the convinience and practicality of my purse, but without the flash. Through an act of pure serendipity, I was at the Mall one day, with a group of friends, and was somehow dragged into Aeropostale. At first glance I assumed I would find nothing of interest there. Untill, my gift from heaven, presented itself in the form of a grey, pseudo-army school messenger bah. I have yet to find a better blend of utilitarianism and aesthetics.
by Chaz Sylvester at June 16, 2002 4:44 PM
Oh yeah, the satchel... or buy a leather 5x9 'daytimer' knock-off - the ones that zipper all the way around? You can stash a lot of stuff in there...
by jenn at June 18, 2002 10:36 PM
You need to get a hip, stylish burro. That's the ticket!
by Mill Burray at June 19, 2002 9:01 AM
Satchels rock. I'm on a constant search for the Perfect Satchel my own self, since mine died. Haven't found it, but I collected an immense pile of purses in the process.
And those fuckers don't sell on eBay. Unless they're Hermes. Someone spent, yesterday, more money than I made last year on an Hermes bag. OK fine, so I was a poor independent filmmaker last year, but still. Think of the sales tax they saved; it could have filled the coffers of a small town.
by Jessica at June 19, 2002 10:57 AM
Oh how I miss you groden! you and your purple zebra print panties!
by melly at July 6, 2002 12:44 AM
Well I dont know u.. but u sound funny... if u wanna carry a purse.. then dude... i say go 4 it!! or atleast get a messenger bag.. they work just as well as a purse but they dont come w/ the weird looks...
by Alison at July 29, 2003 12:28 PM
Hey everybody! I'm looking for people interested in talking about all the junk that they carry! I'm doing a project for school, online, and all you have to do is list all the crap that you carry day to day, in your purse, or if you prefer "man bag", haha, I'm looking for guys and girls, any age! This could be fun, try it and pass it on!!! Thanks!
http://www.quicktopic.com/22/H/eW7SjDXPD7ZY
by Kellianne at September 8, 2003 4:43 PM