Newsflash: Grocery Outlets Ransacked

by jesus at 01:16 AM on April 05, 2002

April 5th, 2002 was just like any other day in the small coastal city of Santa Maria, a city located somewhere between hustle of Los Angeles and the bustle of San Francisco. April 5th, 2002 was just like any other day in the tree hugging, free loving, environmentally safe city of Eugene, Oregon. April 5th, 2002 was just like any other day in the beautiful, crime free, clean city of Detroit, Michigan. In fact, April 5th 2002 was just like any other day in most every place in the world. But little did the ignorant populace of the planet Earth know how things would change when they awoke the next morning, and saw this headline in their daily paper:

"GIANT ASTEROID HEADED FOR EARTH; HUMAN RACE TO DIE"

In addition to the cryptic headline, the date of our destruction is given: March 16, 2880. Now pause a moment and take that in............got it? We're all going to die! Every one of us! Run! Run! For the love of God, RRRRRUUUUUUNNNN!.

It's official; I'm going to spend the rest of my life counting down the days 'til my death. Thank you very much NASA! And it doesn't matter whether I live to be 35, 45, or 895-- I'm going to be walking around carrying the burden of knowing I'm going to die a horrible, fiery death within the next millenium. When I'm a spry 895 years old in the year 2880, and I wake up on March 16th (St. Patrick's Day) expecting to get loaded as all good Irish descendants do, just imagine my disappointment as I realize the human race is about to go the way of the Dodo. I can see my reaction now:

"Hmmm, I think today is going to be a bit unpleasant."

Oh how I fear my Day of Reckoning.