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with an iron fist and a reptitle hiss we shall rule!

by mg at 08:44 AM on February 19, 2002

So many children grew up with G.I. Joe, and especially the long running cartoon (you know, knowing is half the battle). But, I'm guessing very few of you had anything to do with the comic book version, much less were as impassioned about it as I me.

I collected comics until I was well into high school. Sure, it’s a little bit geeky for a high school student to be collecting comic books (which is why I started smoking, you know, just to balance things out), but it’s hardly abnormal. However, cartoons and comic books weren’t the extent of my infatuation; I also collected G.I. Joe action figures well into my teens.

Now, let me make this abundantly clear, when I say “collected” I don't mean it in the way Star Wars fans collect action figures; I actually took them out of the box and played with them, just as God (a.k.a. Hasbro) intended. These figurines weren’t kept, shrine-like in their acid-free cardboard and plastic boxes, enclosed in perpetuity. No, the Dreadnaughts battled with Duke, Snake Eyes and Lady Jaye on an almost daily basis.

Sure, by the time I hit my teens, the battles they were fighting weren’t as simple as merely good versus evil; these were morality tales, on par with anything in Charles Dickens or John Grisham. And I may have not been the first to put GI Joe Porn online (link is broken), but I was probably one of the first to play that way. Don’t worry, the Joes always used protection, they kept a grenade launcher on hand just in case Cobra attacked.

Anyway, the whole point is to say that I was really into GI Joe.

Even if you were really into GI Joe too, you probably didn’t read the end of the original comic book series (which explains why it was the end of the original comic book series). Cobra, the evil organization bent on world domination, were legitimizing their operations. Cobra was becoming a multi-national corporation, still bent on world domination. Only now, they were taking over the world using acceptable business practices (French fries and cheaply made shoes), rather than by creating super-beings by combining the DNA of Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Attila the Hun and Hannibal (the elephant guy, not the A-Team guy).

The legitimate Cobra operations were run out of a corporate headquarters, presumably located somewhere in Midtown Manhattan. Their building looked like every other damn skyscraper in New York City. Even though they were going legitimate, they were still Cobra. They, of course, still had a hair brained scheme or two up their sleeve, like Dr. Mindbender’s mind-controlling machine, hidden on the top floors of Cobra headquarters.

Now, I’m working as a consultant with one of the largest corporations in the country. I used to consult with Ford, one of the biggest companies in the world, but I only occasionally went on site. Now, I’m at corporate headquarters every day.

This is a big, scary building. Security is almost as tight as post September 11th United Airlines flight. I haven’t been patted down yet, or asked to remove my shoes, but I do have to empty my bag every time I go in the building. And this building is big. I take three different elevators to get from my desk to the corporate cafeteria. Cripes, they even have a corporate cafeteria (two, actually).

I’ve been there less than two months, and I get instantly lost if I don’t follow an exact path from desk to bathroom and back. Yesterday, despite it being a national holiday, I was in the office trying to get a bit of work done. Since no one else was in the building, some doors that are normally open were now closed. I had to wander around a bit before finding my way to my desk. As I was wandering around, I think I stumbled onto a mind-controlling machine.

comments (10)

Obviously not a very good one, if it couldn't even control your mind enough to keep you from blabbing about it on your website. Tomax and Xamot are on their way to pick you up.

by space at February 19, 2002 10:58 AM

Now, did the mind-controlling machine make him stop that post and forget the rest, or was that mg's version of a cliffhanger to make us tune in next week?

by snaggle at February 19, 2002 11:09 AM

Yes, but have you found the Soylent Green room yet?

by FA at February 19, 2002 12:35 PM

Hey, your Text ads are paying off! I found one: http://www.missouri.edu/~jcn8d1/badsam/textad.jpg

by MrBlank at February 19, 2002 5:52 PM

I had Zartan and Zandar, but I never did get a Zarana.

by andrew at February 19, 2002 7:56 PM

Welcome to the cube farm - don't forget your badge. Is that the same machine they have in my office building? The one that sucks the life out of your soul as you watch your life pass you by under ugly fluorescent lighting - as your mind slowly ceases to maintain any creative thought or impulse, a migraine setting in as you squint to read the "Dilbert" cartoon tacked up on the cube next to you?

Yeah, it probably is.

Hey - how did GI Joe have sex unless you had dolls? Or was it with other male action figures? That is so gay either way.

by Charles at February 19, 2002 9:26 PM

Charles has a point here. forget the mind control thingy, mg, & tell us about your uh, ‘action figures’. what DID they do?

by kd at February 19, 2002 10:44 PM

If they'd used DNA from the A-Team's Hannibal (instead of the guy who left his city undefended and allowed Rome to salt the Earth where it once stood), they'd have probably won after all.

by Muad'Dib at February 20, 2002 12:05 AM

Sigh....my office building-same way. Welcome to Corp. America? I duno but the least damn thing they could do is get a camera that produces something that resembles the person for their ID badges! Mine sucks! I have been stopped twice and when they scan my badge they keep looking at my badge and looking at me and going, "Are you sure this is you?" Well no you dumb fuck its my evil twin? Security is really high here in Dallas these days. Seems the other day they refused to use the vent system except for outside air and blocked of several elevators so guys in bungy suits could "check" em out. A sad fact I tell ya, a sad fact of life now. You know MG, I think they give us office types an hour for lunch because it takes the at least thirty min. to get somewhere to eat and back again? I say bring a book to work, find your way outside and you are certain to end up meeting a really nice smart woman who thinks its hot to see a guy read a book on his lunch hour...cough, not that I would know a damn thing about this becaue I RARELY EAT anymore!!!! and hey what DID you do with G.I.JOE anyway? or...what did you MAKE him do...no second thought, don't wanna know. My brother and barbie was enough trauma for me! :-)

by Pristine at February 23, 2002 1:36 AM

I realise this lil post on G.I. Joe™ and corporate Cobra™ America is developing wrinkles, being two years old and all. But I've just recently been scouring the net for all things Action Force... The UK equivalent us British suckers had on our shores as kids. Cos I’m reminiscing a lil.

Anyway, this forced me to snort something resembling laughter so I thought I’d comment, and say: “This forced me to snort something resembling laughter.”

As for the original comic series, we didn’t get it over here. We were offered some weekly crud that barely scratched the surface of those: “Real American Heroes!™” Us Brits just weren’t important enough back then, hmm, nothing much has changed. Now Hasbro offers British kids: “ACTION MAN™ – The Greatest Hero of them ALL!” … Apparently. Still, maybe they’re better off without Action Force™, I suppose, “GO FORCE!” Never did sound as good as, “GO JOE!”

While you’re at work avoid that raven-haired chick with the black-rimmed specs… Her bloke’s a crazy bald dude with a silver head… He’s probably a CEO there?

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at December 22, 2004 9:46 PM

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