So far, pretty much everything Bob ever told me was right. She told me MetaFilter was a bunch of snarky elitist bastards, when I first fell in love with it. She was right. She told me that I'd like the AIM, and I told her I didn't like to think at the speed of chat (I'm in three or four chat windows right now, as I type this.) She told me that being obsessed with manipulating Google to generate huge traffic numbers would get old. It did. There isn't a thing she's told me, that hasn't come stunningly, poignantly true.
She also told me, in regards my hormonal surges of late, that soon enough, they will go away and never bother me again. I hope so. Because right now my libido is driving me quickly insane. “Don't you live with some guy?”, you ask? Yes, yes I do, and it is entirely unfulfilling. Completely, utterly passionless, at least physically. Mentally? I am constantly in an advanced state of madly horny. I can barely stand it. Barely? I can't. I can't stand it at all.
So what do I do? Have a wild steamy affair? In my mind, all the time. Online, as often as possible. Raise your hand if I've ever been totally slutty with you in a chat room. Good thing this is the internet and you can't see the sea of wildly waving hands out there. I would like to preserve some shred of dignity here. No, wait. I wouldn't.
So the drunken cyber-romps are fun. There have been so many. Do I fall out of these crushes? Not really, but eventually reality sets in and I switch obsessions to someone new, someone I haven't yet figured out that it's impossible i'll ever actually have sex with.
Then, recently, someone I know IRL (professionally and totally platonically) started to interact with me online, and whatever passing fantasies I may have had are now beginning to drive me completely insane. So what do you do when an impossibly hot guy says, the beer's on me when this project is finished? You imagine drinking the beers and mentioning, ‘I'm old enough to be your mother’ and one thing leading to another and... eventually realize that it's never going to happen. I haven't quite gotten there yet but I will. Realization always follows fantasies, it's why I keep having more fantasies, to the extent I seem like quite the cyber-slut.
Really, I'm not. In reality, I'll never get laid, and eventually I'll lose all this misplaced desire and settle into the rest of my life.
I will be ok with this eventually. As of this writing, I am not.
You are not alone.
We all want to feel special, and liked, and being special and romantically liked is, well, "special"..
It feels fantastic when someone complements you, and wants to have a "beer" with you after the work is all done. He knows your mind. How many people go beyond the physical? He can make your day.
Your are in a current relationship that is what it is. And you have fantasties.
So what's wrong with that?
I'm still looking for the great love in my life. I thought I found him several years ago..(no its not my husband)..
Just go with the flow..
There are no answers..
Take the complements and grin from within...
If you find the answer to what it is all about.. email me.
by toxiclabrat at February 1, 2002 9:21 AM
thanks, Toxic, i needed that.
by kd at February 1, 2002 11:42 AM
we do all kinds of strange things to fight off the fear of losing our sexual attractiveness. it was one of my biggest fears for many years, and i hate to tell you all the stupid mistakes i made. at least you are aware of what you are doing, and talking about it. remember, you're not alone. and you've still 'got it'. :^)
by lavonne at February 1, 2002 2:16 PM
How dare you question if you "STILL GOT IT!" woman you got it going on and you need to KNOW that! Think of all those gooy eyed followers ya got hanging round your crib!!! (surreally) Smile then KD, you still got it and I doubt you will ever lose it!
by Pistine at February 3, 2002 11:24 PM
i may have "it" but will i ever get "any"? doubtful.
by kd at February 4, 2002 12:44 AM