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wake up scared, wake up strange, everything around me stays the same

by mg at 01:38 PM on February 28, 2002

For as long as I could grow hair on my face, Iíve grown hair on my face.

I can never remember why exactly I started growing it, but probably, like most pubescent boys, I was so amazed by the changes going on inside my body, that I hated to ignore them, and I wanted everyone else to notice too.

Iíd started growing pubic hair long before it started growing anywhere else on my body. But, I lived with just my mother; 12 year-old me wasnít about to pull down my pants and say, ďLook ma!Ē Hair under the arms meant Iíd have to start wearing deodorant or risk smelling like an Afghani refuge after a game of dodge ball in P.E. class. Spermie production meant messy cleanups after ďexploring my sexualityĒ with the bra advertisements from the J.C. Penny circular.

But with facial hair, there was a way of showing I was a man without any embarassement, foul odor, or violation of public nudity statutes.

Growing a beard was my way of saying, ďHey world, Iím man now.Ē Iím not sure, though, how anyone looking at my attempts at a beard didnít laugh in my unshaven face. Like most teenage boys, all I could grow were about three strands of hair, which, no matter how exceptionally long they grew, wouldnít suffice for a chin comb-over. No one thought I looked like a man but me and the occasional convenience store clerk, thatíd sell me a pack of cigarettes without a hassle.

Luckily there arenít many pictures that survive from that phase of my gestation. But, if I really want to relieve those painful memories, all I have to do is take a look at my cousins. Iím the oldest of 5 boys, and the youngest just turned 15. Iíve had the opportunity to watch each of them hit their teens and try the pubescent mustache.

Of course, such endeavors have always led to dismal failure. When I was that age, there was no one to advise me just how stupid it looked, so I try to be that person for my cousins. If Iím good at one thing, its telling people they are stupid. Unfortunately, none of them have listened, no matter how much I make fun of them.

But, this isnít about them, itís about me. Eventually, it got to the point that my pubescent facial hair looked just like normal facial hair. I spent most of my high school years, all (7) of my college years, and all the time since with some form of facial fuzz. Whether goatee, love patch, well-groomed beard, or man of the mountain beard, my face has been covered with human fur.

Itís been more than a decade and of course there have been many occasions when Iíd get sick and shave the damn thing, most noticeably right before my high school yearbook picture (not included for reasons of extreme embarrassment).

Most times, Iíd take one look at my bare face and remember why I wore the beard. Not only does it make me look like Iím 12 years old, but Iím thin enough that without the hair to puff up my face, I look like Iím only recently escaped from Dachau. That is why I usually only shave right before a long weekend, knowing that if I hate it, Iíll have at least 3-4 days of growth before I have to face another human being again.

If youíve been reading regularly for the past couple months, youíll certainly notice a pattern about me wanting to change my life. Usually, my face mowing has been inspired by a need to make some sort of change, and barring the ability to make an actual change to my life, Iíve made a physical change.

Well, my hair is really too short to cut any shorter (and really, if I think a shaved face looks bad, I donít want to imagine a shaved head). Iíve promised myself to not dye my hair any more (trying to prevent the impending male pattern baldness as best I can). I already wear the fake spectacles and canít afford colored contact lenses (much less have the guts to stick my finger in my eye on a daily basis).

The only choice left me is to shave. I have nowhere to be for the next, coupleÖ well, ever, so I did the deed last night. I also shaved. When I was done, I, of course, wished Iíd never started.

There was something worthwhile to come out of all this; something Iíd never have noticed otherwise. Naked faced (and even more so today with a little stubble) I look remarkably like Homer Simpson.

comments (21)

I was looking for an image of Homer Simpson from a particular episode (I couldnít find it). How shocked was I to see a picture of a certain someone come up as a result of this search. See, even Google thinks I look like Homer.

by mg at February 28, 2002 1:43 PM

I will not go into the years of merciless hounding over my inability to grow facial hair. However, I do believe that side by side Homerism should be attached to all of your future correspondence as well as becoming your holiday card for at least the next five years. And send it to me, if you please. No right clicky.

by quicksilver at February 28, 2002 2:01 PM

MG: relax, you are a cutey. (such soulful eyes)

just ditch the homer image...

by jenn at February 28, 2002 4:45 PM

No right clicky? WTF? Is mg such the sex now he's worried about people stealing his beautiful intellectual property? Hehe. What about if someone turns off javascript or opens the page in Opera? ;)

Colored contacts aren't all that expensive. Some people could even afford them right out of high school.

by Charles at February 28, 2002 4:53 PM

wait. when did you do the deed? not that deed, *the* deed.

by miss b at February 28, 2002 7:02 PM

oh sure, shave that after I leave. We could have had such a good time, mg.

by space at February 28, 2002 8:06 PM

Eeeeeek!!! An mg without facial scruff... quite a shocking sight to see. Never in all my years have I seen mg so naked. Well, so naked and not in my bed, that is.

BTW, mikey, I'll be in N-Y-C March 17-22.

by snaggle at February 28, 2002 8:32 PM

uh oh. snaggle's coming to new york now? we'll be lucky if the city is still standing when he leaves

by miss b at February 28, 2002 8:51 PM

umm, well, if looking 17 again is something that you find appealing, then you have succeeded. otherwise, i kinda liked the face-fur better.

by kd at February 28, 2002 9:38 PM

No right clicky bites. Are we communists?

by Tom at February 28, 2002 10:16 PM

I feel your pain on the "no facial hair == youth" angle. Me sans facial hair, I got carded at an R movie last winter, fer chrissakes. I didn't know they carded anybody at R movies anymore.

by Antwon at March 1, 2002 12:33 AM

Whoa, you look very different, and for the better i might add, although i have only ever viewed you in your thumbnail pic.

by emma at March 1, 2002 8:07 AM

That post goes ditto for me, except I have dirty blond hair, I need my glasses, my cousins are girls and I did college in four years. I recently down graded my beard to chin hair and now I get carded for everything. Oh well, I think Iím going to shave it all off and cut my hair short and spikey and bleach it out. I need to reinvent myself. For some reason it feels like if I change my looks Iíll change my life. It probably wonít change anything, but at least I have something new to look at in the mirror.

No right clicky scripts don't work on the Mac. *evil grin*

Oh, and I don't look like Homer when I'm shaved. I look like Milo Thatch from Disney's Atlantis.

by MrBlank at March 1, 2002 10:32 AM

do you think if i shaved something and posted a pic i'd get this many comments?

by miss b at March 1, 2002 1:17 PM

yes. miss b, i think you would.

by lavonne at March 1, 2002 1:20 PM

but she hasn't even posted a pic of her gift undies yet. which she did say she would. miss b is teasing us all again, which is nice, i think teasing is fun.

by kd at March 1, 2002 3:20 PM

I'd just like to point out that I offered to help Miss B shave. She hasn't taken me up on my offer yet.

by mg at March 2, 2002 11:21 PM

didn't you also offer to serve as the undie photographer? *tsk*

by kd at March 3, 2002 2:15 AM

hey, what the FUCK do u have against aFghani people. do u know that i can fuck u up any day for sayin sometin like that? I will fucking find u by any means necasry and make sure i personally kill you. this is no joke. i will. i will murder me to murder you. and ill get back at u in the fucking after-life u fuckin homer simpson lokkin run-down white trash redneck beardless dog-looking piece of shit.

Mabye all that facial hair was shoved up your mothers ass by ur sister, while her head was in her pussy and ur brother was sucking ur 2 in pee-pee

.................im NOT through with you...........................you fuckin rasict...

by Akbar-Al Tiquira-hara at June 22, 2005 3:54 PM

I haven't been threatened with death in a while. Want to know something really strange, the comment came from an IP address allocated to the United Nations. Weird.

by mg at June 22, 2005 6:34 PM

Wel, if it is from a rep of the UN... it looks like they've eased up on the aggression a bit.

takeing all necasry mesurs to find peese for all homer-looking dog-looking peoples

by Ex Crimson Guard NCO at June 22, 2005 7:14 PM

comments are closed