Should I be telling you this? Probably not.
I should at least try to be witty, but I am so discouraged today, I don't know how. The editor of a good, regular writing job to whom I was recommended, and who expressed an interest in hearing from me, hasn't replied to my emails or phone messages. I don't know if I should keep pestering her or not.
I applied for welfare Tuesday, but they didn't tell me until today that it may take up to 45 days to be approved. They don't care about my rent on March 1st [and possibly April 1st], though they did give me emergency food stamps. When we're sleeping IN the carwash instead of next door to it, we'll have plenty of food to share with the possums and skunks.
[Now I must state that I don't feel guilty about the welfare thing. I have paid way more into the system than I will ever take out.]
Meanwhile, my grownup son called late last night and berated me for NOT SOUNDING WORRIED ENOUGH, and for not sending his 14-year-old brother out looking for work. I don't want to make him out to be a villain - he's helping as much as he can financially. I know that he's genuinely worried about us [and about getting stuck with supporting us completely] and this is his way of dealing with it. But I'm doing my best to stay up and positive so I can get some money coming in. Yelling at me is not helpful.
Too late - the fear was contagious over the phone. I woke up in a panic this morning, and then found out that I may have to wait 45 days for the first welfare check - this, after assuring son #1 last night that there would be no problem. Now I don't know whether to tell him about it or wait and see if the approval goes through in time, which is possible. Once I tell him, he's going to blow his top. I wish I wasn't so afraid of other people's anger.
Son #2 did apply for two jobs today, one at the nearby comic book store and at Blockbuster, but there were no openings. I checked on my applications to Arby's and Wings 'n Things, but the managers weren't in. We're trying to keep it in the neighborhood to save on bus fare, but we'll spread out soon.
I just seem to be running into roadblocks wherever I go. Maybe they're mental roadblocks but they're real. I know I have to start cold-calling editors of local publications, but I'm frozen with fear. I'm afraid I'll stammer the way I do when my older son is grilling me, and forget everything I want to say.
I can't seem to do anything in this panicked state of mind. My whole body feels like fear, the ache radiating out from my stomach to my arms and legs. Nothing seems to help, not deep breathing, not meditation. Okay, I didn't try yoga. I'm sure that would have worked, but I felt as though I shouldn't be wasting precious worry time.
sorry to keep going on about this. i feel better today because i think i've figured out a solution: borrow!!!
what a concept!
by lavonne at February 23, 2002 11:18 AM
hey, hang in there. i know how it is, i have so been there. two years ago i was living at the salvation army. it was a lifesaver.
by kd at February 23, 2002 3:38 PM
half an hour ago, i worked up the nerve and asked a friend for a loan. she said she'd rather hire me to do a web site for her!
and then, i went out to check the mail and a packet was there for the writing gig i was despairing about - i got it!!!!
i can't believe everything could change so drastically in a few minutes. wow.
by lavonne at February 23, 2002 4:27 PM
oh, and i need to add a public thank you to kd, who has been a wonderful, loving supporter through this crisis. and to mg, who hasn't complained at all about my downer posts on his normally witty web site.
i'm so happy!
by lavonne at February 23, 2002 4:30 PM
I wish I had something wittier to say than "hooray!" But I don't. Thus: "Hooray!" Here's to hoping that the positive upswing keeps on comin'!
by Antwon at February 23, 2002 7:34 PM
thanks antwon... i love you all! muwwaaa!!!
by lavonne at February 23, 2002 8:52 PM
i love it when stuff like this happens.
by kd at February 23, 2002 10:20 PM
by Jean at February 24, 2002 5:07 AM
i'm adding another 'hooray' to your bouquet....onward thru the fog!
by undertoad at February 24, 2002 9:55 AM
I got a huggles for ya! (and a hooray too!) I hope this works for you! I know when I was laid off I was well in a tizzy only b/c there just was no work where I lived. I ended up moving to Dallas where work was more plenty and of course landed a job within the first week I started looking there. I am still playing major catch up but at least things are looking up rather than down! Hang in there girl you got what it takes to be great! :-)
by Pristine at February 24, 2002 3:46 PM
So how are you going to keep blogging? I could probably scrounge up an extra 802.11 card and then you can probably hook into the local wireless network . . .just joking, though how geeky is it that it actually occured to me to help you with that? Best of luck - I admire your courage and your strength and fortitude to apply for so many jobs other people wouldn't consider. I'm sending lots of good karma your way (and an 802.11 card if you want it LOL.)
by Charles at February 25, 2002 1:21 AM
heh, thanks for the thought. don't worry, i've got my priorities straight. the internet connection would be the last to go, and then i'd be hanging out at the library to do my blogging. when my grown son actually suggested that we sell the younger son's computer, all i could do was gasp.
the horror, the horror.
by lavonne at February 25, 2002 2:39 AM