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jesus

Sweet, Sweet Paranoia

by jesus at 04:42 AM on February 17, 2002

Boxcutters: $3
Fertilizer: $15
Retarded 30 Second Superbowl Spot: $2 million
Endless Hours of Resulting Hilarity: Priceless

The brilliant people in charge of misled marketing campaigns have decided to combine the war on drugs and the war on terrorism into one happy package, as my fellow Americans love to kill those two proverbial birds with one proverbial stone.

I'm sure mothers everywhere are frantically pulling out their hair and running around in irregularly shaped circles, worrying that their little Jimmy or Bobby or Shareef-Ahmad Harrid III has joined up with the Al Qaeda network.

As Our Fearless Leader has made clear, there will be no distinction made between the terrorists and those who support them, essentially making every college age homosapien a potential target. Personally, I'd like this subject to be further expounded upon, as many questions have been left unanswered.

For instance: If one has bought drugs in the past, is he still considered a terrorist? If the answer is yes, then how are we going to track down all those free-lovin' drugged up hippies who "came of age" in the '60's? And does this mean that our own president is a terrorist ('member the pre-election coke uproar?)? And what happens when we catch a terrorist? Should we contact the police department? The CIA? The NRA, FFA, or NAACP?

Unfortunately, these queries, and many others, have thus far gone unanswered. Yet as always, it's probably best to err on the side of caution, which means a call to your local authorities/Dunkin' Donuts is in order if you suspect someone is associated with the trafficking of illicit substances (Colombia is one colossal terrorist, but it's mostly ignored due to the absence of beards and turbans).

Your buddy's older brother Derek sold you a dime bag?
He's probably a terrorist, as are you.

You saw a new-age tree hugger walking down the street in all hemp clothing?100% pure bred terrorist.

Your half-blind Grandfather has a stash in his drawer?
Wha? Afflicted with glaucoma? Ha! I'm on to you, druggy.

Previous to this campaign, I was painfully unaware what stoners did when they weren't consuming copious amounts of Doritos and staring at shiny objects, but now I know of their unscrupulous activities. And finally, I'm starting to see things like my government, because when you get right down to it, is owning a hash pipe really that different from hijacking a school bus, killing the passengers, then driving it into an orphanage and killing numerous children?

comments (3)

The terrorist/drug ads were among the most talked about of this year's Superbowl crop, but only because most people thought they were ridiculous.

I've done some Public relations work, and some of it was for a state level Partnership for Drug Free America. The problem with these types of ad campaigns is that they do a good job of stirring an emotional response, but are awful at convincing people to stop using (see "this is your brain on drugs").

Lots of people noticed these ads, but I can guarantee they wont have any effect on drug use.

by mg at February 17, 2002 6:39 PM


Crap that came out long. Must paraphrase. Must paraphrase.

by jesus at February 17, 2002 9:46 PM


But almost a century later, black America's main problem is neither overt racism doesn't condemn African Americans to failure.

The running joke that is easy to do. I think he's a friend of Jesse's. He said, I figured out that belief went, when it came time to make a difference. Bosnia? Rwanda? East Timor? Read up on that has had a record that there is absolutely no bias whatsoever against them. The burgeoning of the latter: .I....A.and Wildstorm and a host of other superhero comic books were always so hyped up about great caviar-and-cheese fests like to hear those questions debated on that, they should not. Applause.

by Elena Markov at August 1, 2004 5:13 AM



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