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Speedy Delivery

by eric at 07:30 PM on February 23, 2002

I might just have the fastest colon in the hemisphere. Either that, or I have a lot of food allergies I'm not aware of. Either way, my body has set itself up so that if any food is seen as a threat to the collective, the intestines don't waste time with a lot of namby-pamby digestion. I shoot that (for lack of a better word) crap straight to the exit airlock, located squarely at the back of the space station, if you know what I mean.

At least that's my theory.

I'm aware that normal people apparently take up to 36 hours for foodstuffs to digest and pass through their systems, but I'm convinced this is not the case for me. Yet how do I prove it? I'd like to find that I could just swallow some, say, purple food coloring next time I'm scarfing a mozzarella laden pizza and I'd be able to identify just how fast passage is taking. But I doubt that would work.

What I need is an off the shelf barium swallow kit with a hand-held X-ray system. I picture myself in the bathroom, sitting on the throne with a laptop balanced on the sink, while I try to shoot pictures of my gut with a handheld radar gun type unit attached via the USB port. It lets me watch as dinner makes it's way toward its final resting place. I'd call it "Intestine Tracker."

I can't be the only market for this. Can I?

comments (2)

why not just eat a bunch of corn? you know exactly when that gets through you.

by kd at February 24, 2002 1:16 AM

True, and I'm sure corn would fly right through, but I need to have this information for a variety of food stuffs now that I think about it... a color for pizza, another color for too many caffinated drinks, etc. Brown just doesn't cut it anymore.

by Eric at February 25, 2002 7:45 PM

comments are closed