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Molestation, Vagrants, K-Mart, and Fish Sticks

by jesus at 02:44 AM on February 27, 2002

I found something of interest tonight during 'Wheel of Fortune', a show I would despise, except it's placed opposite of "Hollywood Squares". And "Wheel of Fortune", unlike the latter, is preferable to death by asphyxiation or being slowly fed to pirahnas. Anyway, I was quietly laying on the couch, eating a bowl of rice--a cheap, easy substitute for actual substinence-- when one of those li'l 15 second ads showed up before cutting to commercial...

"Gorton's Fishsticks: Our mascot looks like a child molestor."

Apparently, in the competitive breaded fish industry, clever advertising is needed to stay ahead of the curve, or something. So, when all else fails, the marketing specialists fall back on that age-old solution of putting a homeless guy in a yellow raincoat, tossing him on an antiquated fishing boat, and having him hock fish sticks to children.

The guy in the commercial didn't say he was a child molestor, but it was clearly implied. The catch line for the whole commercial was this brilliant line-- "Wanna catch the little ones?". Then they cut to a brilliant scene where several small children of various ethnic backgrounds are putting their grubby hands all over a plate of fish sticks, implying either that Gorton's is a culturally sensitive company, or that the childrens' mother is a whore.

When this idea was pitched to whatever retards in control of marketing over at the fish company, I'm sure it sounded like a real winner. "Ooooh, what a clever pun! We're selling fish sticks! And it says, Wanna 'catch' the little ones! Har har har."

And from there, the bad ideas just snowballed. If nothing else, I'm presuming Gorton's is still up and running as of this writing, which is more than I can say for certain companies...like K-Mart. So now we know why K-Mart went under, not because of their shoddy stores or second-rate products, but because they lacked lame catch phrases and scary looking vagrants wearing rain coats.

If this Gorton's thing pays off, I'm sure some company will start handing out raincoats to the homeless. If smelly transients are just going to walk round all day, someone might as well use them as free advertising. Hell, I already associate K-Mart products with the lowest levels of society, why not take it one step further?

comments (2)

Well, you may or may not know this, but the part of the Screen Actor's Guild responsible for filming commercials was on strike for several years. You probably didn't notice because, they are just comercials, who cares? Besides, the likes of Dave Thomas and Tiger Woods, still did commercials. But, unless you owned a fast food chain or could hit a little white ball so far people throw money at you wherever you go, you didn't cross the picket line - which certainly explains all the homeless people in commercials the last couple months. Or not.

by mg at February 27, 2002 9:44 AM

I actually associate Wheel Of Fortune with the lowest level of tv game shows. It's the game show for the dumb ass people who couldn't make it on Jeopardy, anyone can solve puzzles. Also, Vanna White doesn't even turn letters anymore, she hits a button. I remember when Vanna used to work hard for her money.......Now that you mention it, Hollywood Squares might be worse, but I could never bring myself to watch it.

by jasmine at February 28, 2002 12:32 AM

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