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northstar

If you can't live without me, shouldn't you be dead by now??

by northstar at 11:39 AM on February 24, 2002

For reasons that I cannot even begin to explain, I found myself thinking last week of the first woman I ever loved. Well, OK, the first girl. I was in fourth grade, and I was head over heels in love with Leanne Wilkes. Im not sure that she ever had a clue that I would have committed ritual suicide, shaved my head, and sold my baseball card collection to make her love me. All I knew was that she was beautiful, and the sun rose and set majestically over her smile.

I adored Leanne with a passion that, well, I suppose only a fourth-grader could muster. That is to say I was totally, completely, utterly clueless about how to express my feelings. We had a number of mutual friends, so we used to spend a lot of our free time, if not together, than at least in close proximity. When ever we played tackle football, I used to pray that shed be on the opposing team. That meant Id get to tackle her. It was the only physical contact I could ever hope to have with her. There was a strange and vicariously sexual thrill to being able to roll in the grass with her, breathing heavily after chasing her down. Of course, being 11 years old, I was very aware of the concept of sex. Unfortunately, I had no idea what I could do to make it happen. My parents had never exactly helped me fill in the blanks on that one. Thankfully, I've been able to figure things out as the years have passed.

I wonder sometimes where Leanne ended up, and what she is doing with her life. More than anything, though, I wonder if she ever had any idea how often I used to lay awake at night thinking about her. Ah well, fourth grade, thankfully, was a long time ago. I certainly cant complain about the present, but every now and then, I wonder- what if I had shaved my head?? Fortunately, committing ritual suicide never became necessary.

comments (6)

It's best to think of all past loves in a negative light--they're probably strung out on crack, living somewhere in Beirut and pregnant with their sixth fatherless child. It really takes the edge off.

by jesus at February 24, 2002 1:40 PM


OUCH! I thought this was so adorable! Reminded me of this really (sorry he was ugly to me) kid who had the worlds largest crush on me in Kindergarden! He had flaming red hair that stuck out everywhere and freckles like there is grass on the ground! One day, when I was being FORCED by the teacher to play house and I could NOT be anything but the damn MOTHER, he got to be the Father and I will be damned if that shit did not actually kiss me! UGGG...I almost through up but not before I socked him really good in the chops with a very good right hook I might add! (my Father was proud!) Anyway the point, which I do have one, is that he turned out to be one fine looking guy who is very successful. We are friends now and write to each other about those fun grade school days! Though there are no flames between us because I think he is the reason why I have always stayed away from blonde or red haired dudes...but we are friends at least. :-)

by Pristine at February 24, 2002 3:41 PM


I remember chasing this girl round the playground in like second grade. I used to give chase around the trees and the lil bench set out on the "big kids" playground. They tore all that down. It's portable class rooms and Starbucks now. The girl is tatooed up and a whore.

Sweet memories.

by jesus at February 25, 2002 2:10 AM


Playing house in school seems so sinister. Of course the girls are going to be moms and cook in the kitchen and clean house, and the boys are going to be dads and go to work and mow the lawn. That stuff doesn't teach kids anything new or expand their minds.

by jean at February 25, 2002 3:49 AM


Playing house. Teaching the young girls their place is in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning for the man, preparing them for a life of servitude. Dontcha love the school system?

by jesus at February 25, 2002 1:48 PM


Yeah I HATED that! I was almost a kinder-flunky because I would refuse! Funny when you think about it, school teaches us we have to wait in single file lines, wake up on time and have a place to go each day. Listen to buzzers that tell us when to go to a different spot and when lunch is and school is out. So much like work. So entrenched in our little minds we just accept it all as adults! Oh the glory of it all....

by Pristine at February 25, 2002 11:24 PM



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