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i apologize in advance for this one

by lizard at 05:21 AM on February 22, 2002

well, well, here it is twentysecond february, ought two. can't seem to settle on whether or not i'll use captial letters posting here and truly who cares? apologies to snaggle, who probably hates this. it's how i type though, hard not to.

i am drinking far too much and this keeps me calmer and happier than i should be, really. i am having a hell of a hard time rationalizing life vs. hope, and i am not doing a whole lot of sleeping as a result. numbness: far too much for my own good but not enough to prevent me posting things like this here, utterly self-referential and quite possibly devoid of relevant content.

i want to be single. i want this more than anything, and the reason is so that i can become unsingle again, except in a way i can manage not to hate. i am so tired of making excuses when what i want to say is, it's not me, it's you. it's damage done long ago that cannot be undone. this is the sort of thing that doesn't belong here but has no where else to go, because posting about the depths of my internal conflicts has no place in any site he reads. on his days off i comment out the link to bad sam on my personal blog, which he reads. i have to completely refrain from airing these issues in my own personal space, and yet they must get out.

i want to be single, and following that, i have exactly in mind the individual with which i would like to become unsingle again. he doesn't read this space either, so i am safe (?).

i am in a very difficult time in life, in which the facts become increasingly pleasant while the feelings become more and more desperate, until i crash in the lavatory, crying, on almost a daily basis, or stay up till two-something, listening to jeff buckley and/or rufus wainwright singing hallelujah on the headphones. the resolution to these conflicts is completely impractical, and fantasies to that effect consume my days, until they are boiled dry of reason. i'm not functioning, yet no one can tell, looking at me. is this triumph or travesty? both, probably.

sorry about this, mg said i could post drunk. he did. really.

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