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Cynical Bastard Parking Only

by michele at 04:42 PM on February 18, 2002

I went to the supermarket this morning. Zoomed around the parking, bypassed the 4 handicap spots and attempted to zoom into the first available empty slot. And then I had to slam on my brakes. There was a sign there, looking much like the handicap sign except it said:

Parking for Expectant Mothers Only.

Fine. I can understand that. I back out and realize that three spots are set aside for expectant mothers. I try for the next spot and I'm greeted by another sign:

Parking for Shoppers with Small Children Only.

Damn. I left mine home. Now I'm forced to drive around and look for a spot that's not three counties away. Half the parking lot has been taken away with specialized parking. And I can only imagine what's coming next.

Parking for Elderly People Only (must have AARP sticker)
Parking for People Who Are Just Running In for One Thing
Reserved for Lincoln Navigators (extra large spot for those vehicles that are larger than most double wide trailers)
This Spot for Asshole Parking Only (extra large spot for those people who think their Corsica deserves two spots.
Crazed Stalker Parking (so you can sit in your car and watch your prey shop)

Someday I will get to the grocery store and see that there is nowhere left for me to park. No parking for the non-pregnant, without children, under senior citizen age shopper. I'll either have to bring my mother or my kids with me when I go food shopping, neither of which is a fun prospect. I want a parking space for myself, damn it.

Some day when I rule the world you will go to the supermarket and there will be parking lots with signs that say "This Spot Reserved for Women With PMS." And all the other spots will have signs that say "Walk the ten extra feet, bitch."

comments (6)

I know you didn't mean it to (or maybe you did, I've always thought you a cunning genius), but that "Parking for People Who Are Just Running In for One Thing" is a billiant idea. They have an express lane in the store, why not one outside? I'd be willing to drive ten, maybe fifteen minutes out of my way to a grocery store that thought that much about saving me, the express shopper, time.

by mg at February 18, 2002 5:08 PM

yes, but the express line has a cashier to give you a dirty look if you try to slip by with more items. you can't trust people to be honest about their shopping intentions, & what about those of us who only think they're running in for one thing, but remember a whole bunch of other stuff...

by kd at February 18, 2002 6:13 PM

Well, people like you get their car impounded. Simple as that.

by mg at February 18, 2002 6:26 PM

so you're saying we have to have the parking lot police to count the items in our bag to make sure we really were only running in for one thing? well, *sniff* if we do that, then, the terrorists have already won.

by kd at February 18, 2002 9:58 PM

Those people who take up two spaces really piss me off. Especially when they take up two spots close to the store. If they want to take up two spots thay can park far away. When I drove around my beat up 85 Ford LTD I would park as close as possible to the driver's side of of those parking jerks so their little plan would fail. I'd laugh as I watched them get in their car on the passenger side and crawl across. Har!

by MrBlank at February 19, 2002 10:39 AM

Unless you have different statutes in NJ, they can't enforce all that parking shite. Those dopey signs made by the stores are not an official parking ordinance indicator in Dallas. They are a "suggestion" or "courtesy." And yes, I park in them.

by Charles at February 19, 2002 10:28 PM

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